Pop Tarts - Frosted Vanilla Cupcake

Look at that lil Pikachop. My entire pokemon knowledge comes from cultural osmosis, linguistics papers, and Sonic video game crossovers, so that is to say, I'm not really the target audience for this branding. But I had a Target gift card to use up (I think the Target boycott is basically indefinite at this point) and thus I bought all the Target exclusive snacks I could find with it, which turned out to be mostly Pokemon branded for some reason. Much to my brand-curious disappointment, this is actually just a regular pop tart flavor (though I hadn't tried it before), only they changed the name from "confetti cupcake" to "vanilla cupcake" and put some pokemen on the box. (I think there was this Pikachop, a Charmando, an Ivysaur, a Squirtle implement, and one other little monster). Is Pikachu vanilla-coded? I guess he (they? she?) kinda is. 

ANYWAY, this is actually a pretty good pop tart flavor, which I don't say often. It tastes like very sweet store brand cake. Is that a good tasting food? Well, depends if you're comparing to other pop tarts (yes) or other foods (no). The sprinkles are extremely unevenly distributed, but they are fun too. The main con (apart from the dietary content) is that there is a still a weird kinda metallic/chemical aftertaste. Not crazy strong, and it might be the sprinkles, but it prevents me from fully thinking "yes, I like this." Still it stands out among PopTart because the inside and outside blend together very well, almost like the Toaster Donut I tried yesterday. Kati, what is your diet right now?? (For those dieticians in the audience, there are a lot more new flavors of packaged junk than there are new brands of veg and egg to review, OK?? Doesn't mean I'm not eating veg and egg! Mind your business!)

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10? 

Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts Peeps

Sure, why not make some [[Pop Tarts] Peeps]!? They're nut free, in any case. And they're little cuties. Unfortunately the ones I got from some guy on the internet are apparently from 1902, or else they all just are weirdly firm and not at all the normal peep texture. Rubbery. The taste is also artificial, strawberry, plastic, soap, all in one. At the same time, I went through the 5-pack in a matter of minutes, so it's hard to say how I really feel. I wouldn't buy them again, though, that's for sure. But they are little cuties, I stand by that. Kind of wug-ish even. 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [I don't remember, but it was too much]
Taste: 6/10? 

Pop Tarts Star-Spangled Blueberry

A punishment for us all is to gaze upon these pop-tarts. The box picture doesn't even do them justice: they look absolutely radioactive in real life. Like play-doh but somehow less appetizing than that. I'm pretty sure these are just the same as the regular blueberry flavor (which I've already reviewed), but the USA-ified appearance really takes the customer to a new level of horror. The filling is blueberry, grape, and apple, which is not bad as poptartfilling goes. The color is Red 40 and Blues 1-100 (approximately), which is extremely bad as everything goes. I can imagine some self-described radicals at the Pop-Tart factory thinking "maybe if we make these it'll be the tipping point that leads to a revolution!!", but instead it is only leading to a minor reduction in self-respect and/or lifespan. Olé, olé, olé.

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2.79$]
Taste: 6/10 
Unnaturality: 10/10

Pop Tarts - Frosted Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

She's back, and more disgusting than ever~! No, not me, these pop tarts. One of my greatest struggles is pounding ~1000 calos in the 12-16 frantic hours I spend out of the house away from Any Buyable Safe Food on school days, and pumpkin seeds and pretzels haven't been cutting it lately. Pop Tarts are a great portable calorie bomb, but they are far from great. Especially this flavor, back for the war. It's particularly sweet, even among pop tarts, which is really saying something. There's also a strange little artificial flavor - although not as egregious as some (the cinnamon ones and girl scout ones, mainly), more like "foot" than "chemical spill". I feel it is worse than the first time this flavor existed. Less cookie dough, more "odd sweet wheat mush (sweaty)". Ew. But in the moment it did serve its purpose of filling the void in my awkward 2 minutes of eating while people watch me eating. Thanks for that, pop tart. And no allergens! Woo! Although this box is a lil bit Reese's coded...

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10 

Pop Tarts - Cherry

Most pop tarts are like happy families (all the same). Not very interesting, a little bit disgusting, but good in a pinch. I think these are a bit below the other fruit flavors (blueberry, strawberry, etc). But you know what you're signing up for here. Sometimes there is no other safe way to easily consume 370 carbocalos, and that's OK. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10 

pop tarts pastry bites - frosted cinnamon roll

Can Pop Tarts (Mini edition) fix all of my many problems? Only one way to find out! These are both cute and portable, two valued traits. They have a very weird texture (SOFT), which I guess is why they are "pastry bites" and not just regular bites. Unfortunately, the taste evokes the Apple Jacks pop tarts, even though that badness isn't actually present. Simply the memory of a similar, bad, trait evokes badness. Pretty interesting. Can I logic my way through sense memory? It might take a while, but I bet I can. In that case, these are surprisingly good. Like a pop tart shaped cinnamon roll, truly. You do get the dough, cream cheese, and of course cinnamon. If they were shaped like little cinnamon rolls, they'd be even better (my brain can only do so much). 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10 

pop tarts - frosted pumpkin pie

Speaking of pumpkin spice! Weirdly, these are less pumpkin spicy than those chai milanos. I'm all in on fall mode now since there's a real chance today will be the last 90+degree day of 2025 (and therefore last 100+degree day in my house) 🙏🙏🙏

Appearance-wise, these are not very appealing, and not very typical pop tart. The frosting only covers a small part of the top (not like the picture) and the sprinkles are mostly shades of black, brown, and a few orange/red/white?. The black ones look like little bugs (or charitably, burnt spots). The texture is good though; it didn't break apart. And the taste? This is gonna shock you, but these are the first pop tarts that didn't taste TOO SWEET. They're still sweet, don't get me wrong, but not in a way where my main flavor note is "too much sugar". Good work, pop tart team. These actually have pumpkin in, which is rare for pumpkin flavored things, and probably helps lower the sweetness. There's also cinnamon and clove (and nutmeg), so it's a traditional pumpkin pie vibe, but it's pretty subtle. No potpourri smell. Happily, it doesn't taste artificial like their red cinnamon stuff does. But what we're left with is like, some kinda sweet, kinda pumpkiny unrisen crusty dough. Not very delicious, but it is a filling, convenient, seasonal snack. Maybe it needs more butter. (Ha. I'm in baking mode I guess.)

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10 

Pop-Tarts Crunchy Poppers Frosted Strawberry

Good god. Well, as poppers go, these are probably your safest option! No wonder they're so bad. The taste is somehow worse than regular pop tart, kind of like a weird green tea flavored off-brand pocky. The texture is oddly firm (thus the name, I guess), but not really crunchy, since the inside is kind of chewy and there's not a lot of distance between outside and inside. I will say, they're cute, as all stupid little miniature versions of foods are. But there are better cute foods out there. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10 

 

PS - Jane here's also going through it vis-à-vis a lack of poppers:

Pop Tarts - Girl Scouts Frosted Coconut Caramel

Nope. Not good. Nope nope nope. Dunkin' often has a winter line of Girl Scouts coffee flavor swirls, and their coconut caramel one is also (if I recall correctly) quite artificial and gross, but that's par for the course with Dunkin' flavor swirls. Alas, soon that'll be the pop tart reputation too if things keep up (I mean, they're already usually gross, but the artificiality is more recent; they used to just be pure sugar with a bit of natural flavor). These have an overpowering coconut smell, but the flavor is mostly plastic, sunscreen, and expired cinnamon bread. Like a lot of other bad pop tarts, the badness is really concentrated in the filling; the icing is just generic chocolate (fine) and the bready bit is just generic bready pop tart shell. On the upside, they're very convenient, and filling if you can choke 'em down. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10

Pop Tarts - Girl Scouts Thin Mints

I told my doc approx 1 year ago that the only things that seemed to have a positive impact on my (physical) misery were eating sugar and walking around. That still seems to be true, so I sure hope all the walking around counteracts whatever all these cookies and pop tarts are doing to me.

Anyway, I like a thin mint, so this is a good pop tart. Definitely not a great pop tart. But there's no weird cinnamon vibe or any other weird flavor notes, just vaguely bready chocolate with a very subtle/light mint flavor. The unfilled edge crust is probably the best part. I can't eat actual Thin Mint but as I recall, they taste nothing like these. Nevertheless.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10 (on a pop-tart scale, not an overall scale)

Frosted Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts

OK, I think we might need to call it on the pop tarts after this. Not that these are particularly awful -- it's just, you know, pop tarts. For flavor authenticity, these aren't bad -- I definitely get the cinnamon roll vibe, since they taste like bread, thin frosting, and warm cinnamony goop. Unfortunately, there's a touch of that horrible apple jack poptart potpourri flavor in the cinnamon goop which is really unpleasant. It's nowhere near as bad as it was in the apple jack poptarts, and if I never had had those I might not even notice or hate it, but alas. I did and I do. So.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Pop Tarts - Lemon Blueberry Crumble

Loyal readers may remember that in my darkest hour, I had a bit of a Toaster Strudel phrase. So it is only natural that in this, my second darkest hour (so far), I consider a second-tier Toaster Strudel (=Pop Tart). Honestly, I might be looking at the Strudel through rose colored glasses, but they truly seem to be leagues above the garbage that is Pop Tart. The only upsides to Pop Tarts is that they're portable and way less messy/sticky. I ate them a lot in college because I didn't always have a kitchen and there were no legit grocery stores in walking distance. (If I'm ever struggling to max out my gratitude practice, I just have to think about how many more options I have to eat food now than I did then, even with all my dietary baggage, and the fact that eating pop tarts is now a choice and not an obligation! Thanks for that moment of perspective, Pop Tart. xoxo)

This flavor looks very pretty. It tastes OK, I guess. The filling is deffo blueberry, and there's a hint of sour lemon to it. The breaded part is actually weird and different, though (unless pop tarts have changed a lot lately, which I doubt). It's....oaty? I guess to evoke the crumble. Impressive flavor matching, but the whole thing is not very Good, even though it is very Sweet (too sweet; made my face tingly).  It is not as good as the top tier pop tarts (cherry, brown sugar cinnamon) and even those are a rare desperation-eat. I am ready for my next pop tart. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Chocolatey Chip Pancake Pop Tarts

Well, my long medical nightmare continues -- in fact, it's so dire I'm at my parents' place so that I don't die alone (lol). But all I bought with me food-wise was this unopened box of a new pop tart flavor! Big gamble! What they don't explicitly tell you is that these are SYRUP COVERED pancakes in flavor world, so the main note is actually maple syrup, which is not my favorite note. The flavor is OK -- it really does taste like maple and chocolate chip pancakes (or chocolatey, 'cause it's not Real Chocolate), but I'd much rather just eat pancakes proper than a pop tart. Still filling and unique and decent (and crucially, portable), but I also really don't love maple flavor and don't think I'd ever rebuy these. At least they're much better than the cursed Apple Jacks flavor. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Pop-Tarts Frosted Banana Bread

For a Pop-Tart, these were surprisingly good -- it actually tastes like banana bread! Really, that Bread flavor comes across: moist, dense, lightly-banana flavored bread. I wish there were more banana, but it's honestly impressive. The pop-tartiness is hardly present. Nice!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

katz toaster pastries - strawberry

OK, the bottom of the box says "Version 1", and so apparently they're just beta tasting these, which makes me lol. Like many gluten free products, these are odd ducks. First of all, there's 4 in a box, and I mean 4, not 4 packs of two. A package has just a single solitary pastry. Pastry is a good name for these, since they are quite soft and flaky and floury. I kind of like that, but the filling is too sweet by half, so I don't love the vibe. It's not at all a good Pop Tart dupe (sorry gluten free kiddos), but Pop Tarts aren't very good anyway, and these are kind of a fun floury snack in their own right. Maybe. I'm curious about Version 2!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Apple Jacks Pop-Tarts

Bad news, besties. The filling in these tastes like a christmas candle. Or potpourri, maybe. I guess it's very cinnamon heavy, but not in a good way. Also, they are too fragile to toast properly (but that's a general pop tart complaint these days). Not my favorite pop tart or apple jacks related thing, that's for sure.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Frosted Gingerbread Pop Tarts

The conceit of these is kind of a joke, since they are way too flimsy to ever build a house out of. However, the little printed designs are kind of adorable. I got a little cat and a little plate of poptarts with coffee, as well as a mailbox with poptarts in. I can't wait to collect them all (in my stomach)! The taste is quite similar to the snickerdoodle ones, actually; but they're decent, cookie-sweet cinnamon outsides with a nice white icing inside. Cute.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts

I didn't have very high expectations for these, but they exceeded them anyway. The biggest downside is not the fact that they aren't frosted, surprisingly, but is how floppy and crumbly they are. After toasting it was near impossible to get them out of the toaster safely. Other than that, though, I like the little sugar on top. They taste a little buttery, like a nice cinnamon cookie. The filling is wetter than normal, which I like. It's a sweet treat for sure. Decent Poppy T.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10

Frosted Raspberry Pop-Tarts

Ahh, pop tarts. So many flavors you have. This was fine, but not my favorite flavor of P'Tart. Maybe I'm just finally petering out of my poptart phase? In any case, these are very sweet, as they all are, and not especially complex flavor-note-wise. Very pretty colors though.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10

Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts

As an adult, I stand by teenie-me's opinion that chocolate flavored things are not that good. Therefore, these are not my favorite pop-tarts. They are indeed fudgey, and maybe less sweet than some of the others (and more fatty), which is nice, and there's a nice sticky chocolate filling inside, but the outside is your typical chocolate packaged-dessert flavor, which gets a resounding "meh" from me.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10