Town House FlipSides Original Pretzel Crackers

This is a very salty pretzel. But on the flipside, it's a cracker. Hehe. I love a gimmick. It's like those 2-color Oreos but for savory snackers. They're definitely more cracker than pretzel (which is the tastier option). Something disappointing about these, though, is that the picture on the box made me think they'd be big, like a Pepperidge Farm cracker, but they are actually very small, probably half the size of the box pic. They're also pretty thin, so I really doubt they'd hold up to dipping. But they taste good all on their own: very salty pretzel side, very buttery cracker side. A serving is 5, which is like... hm... but I guess that's for the dippers. Would be good for school snackin'. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Cheez-It Smoked Gouda

Unlike families, each unhappy Smoked Cheez-It flavor is pretty darn alike. I don't think I could pick this out of a smoked lineup, even though the reviews for it are weirdly positive. Sure, gouda seems much classier than cheddar, and it looks like it might taste different, but the overwhelming note is still Smoke Flavor, which I hate. (I got these at the same time as the other ones, if you are wondering "why then do you have these.) I guess they are marginally less intense, which is a slight point in their favor, but it is marginal. If it weren't for the smoke flavor, I think they'd be tasty, since I do perceive a pleasant cheese cracker in there somewhere. If you eat a bunch at once, the smoke flavor is kinda backgrounded, and so they do get better. But each new session is an agony. Alas. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10

Cheez-It Smoked Cheddar

I dunno why I got these, since I never liked Cheez-Its much to begin with, and I absolutely hate "smoked" flavor on anything (especially Chee(z)e). It's like I see a "new flavor" label on something I'm not allergic to and I fully dissociate until I'm home eating them. Very cool behavior. Anyway, these taste about like you'd expect. Baseline Cheez-it with smokey fake flavoring on top. Somewhat addictive once you get going. They do have MSG, which is either a migraine trigger or simply racism (or both). I didn't finish the last gross smoked Cheez-It box I bought, but it's about to be summer, so maybe I'll be so bored I'll finish these. It won't be a pleasure, though!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

triscuit thin crisps - applewood barbecue

Blech. This should really be a 5, but since it didn't actively kill me I'm bumping it to a 6. I also like the box font. It's like a feminine hygiene product. What a stupid euphemism, by the way. 

I've always hated triscuits because they taste like a basket. But they are linguistically interesting (Blogger wants to autocorrect it to "biscuit"!) and they remind me of all the good times I had telling posh Euro-dudes that the only US-based cracker they like (triscuit) is bad and tastes like a basket. Ah, memories. Anyway, I'm doing real bad still, so we cherish the memories while we still have them. And also, I guess, the triscuits. These are thinner than normal so they're actually way more manageable than the OG. But the BBQ seasoning is to their detriment. It's just regular BBQ chip type seasoning, and there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it doesn't go with basket. Smells bad. Maybe just my brain talking. (Ha ha... isn't it always.... so true). 

On the plus side, I have several students in one of my classes this semester who have disclosed some neurological issue(s) to me (unprompted!!!!). Concussions, strokes, migraines, unspecified mystery issues (!). I like to think maybe they've keyed in on a type of gaydar for brain trauma. Or maybe they just needed an easy class because their brains are exploding and heard I'd fit the bill. Either way, I aspire to be like these triscuits (kinda bad, smells not great even though not expired, always there if you need 'em, some day you'll look back and think "we had good times, didn't we?"). 

Overall
Taste: 6/10
Cost: 5/10
Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space: Yep/Yep

Dare Breton Crackers

I had a good impression of Dare because they make or made nut-free cookies! But it turns out that was Canadian Dare, I think. These say nothing about being nut-free, and they have a may contain sesame warning. They also have soy in Canada but not in the US. So allergy wise it's not amazing, although I still consider it safe. But, these aren't that good. They basically taste like big saltines. Very bland. I prefer a wheat thin or a Pep Farm Harvest wheat, which is what I thought these would be given the color and ingredients. So these are just a meh cracker with minor fear; not worth it when there exist other crackers which are better. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

DeLallo Original Crostini

These are really cute and (supposedly) don't contain nuts, but I was terrified so I waited until my parents were visiting to try one. So far so alive, but it's only been 30 minutes or so. Anyhow, these are very cute. Little toasts! And they're individually wrapped into their serving size of 6 toasts, which I like. The taste is a bland crunch. Similar to stale bread, I guess, which is of course what toast is. Not super scary tasting, but not special either.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Cheez-it Sizzlin' Bacon

The reviews for these are not great, and that's because they taste weird. I find it a little reassuring that other people said so, because (as always) I'm scared I'm allergic, but there's no listed beans/soy protein/peas/mustard, even though "bacon flavor" is often a secret soy protein time. But these are just regular cheez-it crackers (no other bits), albeit strangely flavored. I guess the taste is kinda like a very smokey BBQ chip. But on a Cheez-It. Not much Cheez flavor to speak of, and a definite hickory vibe. Points for not killing me, but otherwise I don't love it.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Cheez-it extra toasty cheddar jack

I never quite got the hang of cheez-its. They're not as pure as a goldfish, denser maybe, and this flavor has a weird sweet/umami powder. At first I don't love it, but the more I eat the more I want to eat (the power of MSG?). I think I prefer plain cheez its even though I don't love plain cheez its either. There is a little jack flavor, I guess, not sure if there's really "toasty" flavor. I need all the permutations of toasty/non-toasty x cheddar jack/cheddar to know what's really happening here. And that's too many cheez its for my future!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Town House Star-Spangled Dippers Crackers

Ooh, limited edition. I'm a dumb sucker for holiday versions of things that taste exactly the same as regular versions of things, apparently. These are cute, although they are MUCH smaller than the package made me think. About the size of a wheatable (rip), although they're a bit crumbly, which makes it seem like they wouldn't be very good for dipping. Also, dipping them in ranch dip(?) like the picture seems disgusting. Maybe cheese dip? Otherwise, they taste like a nice buttery club cracker. No other notes, which is just fine.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Chicken in a Biskit Crackers - Ranch

Huh, I had no idea they spelled it like "biskit". How odd. Anyway, these in their OG flavor form are one of my top crackers. Big childhood nostalgia. And this ranch flavor maintains a lot of that because the shape/texture is the same, although the flavor is of course a little ranchier. And they really do taste like ranch dressing, which is a con for me (original is better), but the chickeny MSG vibes are still present. A nice addictive salty snack. In a biskit!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Parmesan Goldfish

What I really want is to try the new Dunkin Goldfish flavor, but since my store is 30 years in the past, I doubt it will ever come to pass, so I got these instead. They're OK. Honestly pretty indistinguishable from all the other cheese flavored fish (and cheez-its) I've tried, but maybe a little bit on the better side -- less burnt? More seasoned? But only just. Cute fish and a serving is 60 of 'em, so I'm a fan, just not a super-duper-fan.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Wheat Thins - Original

The store was out of my emotional support crackers (reduced fat wheat thins), so I got these instead. IDK if I'm delusional, but I think this version tastes a little worse. However, the fat content isn't really that different, and they're still a comforting and filling snack cracker. By the time I opened these up, I was out of cheese, so I'm just eating them plain, which is tragic but honestly not that bad. A little too sweet if you stop to think about it, but the size/shape/thickness of the cracker (very small and firm!) is second to none. I should buy cheese, as they are great to dip.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish - Cheddar

Here's our jingle for goldfish: yummy little goldfish. I like these and they're very convenient when you want a lil snack with no prep. They had a flavor that read to me as "surprisingly burnt", which made my peanut butter tingly sense go off, but apparently goldfish crackers are always made on nut free lines (unlike Pep Farm cookies, which I also eat, lol), so they are pretty safe. Thus they are a nice, cheesy, salty snack with a cute fish shape. I wish they had more "heft" and less hollowness, but they are still good.

 

 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish - Cheddar Colors

Goldfish! I like the theme song for Goldfish, it's super catchy and takes me back to childhood. I never really ate these as a kid, but they seem very cute and I like other pepperidge farm things. They're fun to eat because of the adorable fish shape, and they have a light powdering that tastes more like salt than cheese dust but is still satisfying. The colors are cool because they actually taste subtly different -- for instance, the red ones really tasted like beet to me! I'm not sure what the green color is from ("huito") but I'm not allergic to it, apparently. Goldfish crackers seem fairly safe nut-wise: no PB goldfish, which is a blessing, and pepperidge farm is generally safe from peanuts and I ate many of their cookies in the past so their tree nut cleaning must be OK. Good stuff.

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 6/10

Ritz Cheese Crispers - Cheddar

Ritz Cheese Crispers, eh? These are new! But you coulda fooled me, since there's about 10 different Ritz cracker/chip hybrid products in the market. And if I'm being honest, I avoid most of them personally because Ritz makes peanut butter cracker sandwiches (and maybe other scary stuff), and one time they mislabeled the packaging of a PB cracker as cheese, which is terrifying. But these had no allergy warning and just looked like regular crackers, so I dived and/or dove in. And they taste exactly like those cheddar 'Whisps'! Except less greasy, which is good thing. The texture is also more like a crackerchip than a whisp. But the taste is very close, a savory cheese flavor that feels very salty but I guess is just what the essence of cheese tastes like (the sodium on these isn't that high -- like 7%). I like it as a food although I might be a little scared to buy.

Overall

Cost: 6/10

Taste: 8/10

Ritz Toasted Chips - Original

Are these chips or are these crackers? The world may never know. I think they're more like crackers, personally, although much thinner and crispier than a typical Ritz cracker. But I also like them pretty well; they are tasty and salty and ritz-buttery while apparently being not terrible for you. They certainly were tastier than I thought they would be. I didn't try dipping them, but it sounds good as well.

Overall

Cost: 5/10

Taste: 7/10

Partner's Snack Crackers - Olive Oil & Herb

Whew, do I have a story behind these crackers. So, originally I got a box of the plain flavor in the mail, and started eating them, as you do. They didn't have any nut allergy warning on the box. Then I went to the website to get info on the company, and the allergy info for them on the website says "made on nut equipment" basically. I was like "!!!!!!" and of course started to panic that I was dying. So I threw out the box, chugged some Benadryl, and sent a freaked-out angry email to the company saying they should make their packaging consistent with their website nutrition info. Then I forgot about it for a while.

A few weeks later, I got a nice email from a guy at Partners who apologized and told me that actually, the website is wrong, and no nuts are involved. I was like "Oh, that's great, but you should change the website then!" -- to this date, months later, they have not changed the website -- and he said there was some tech trouble with it or something, who knows. But he offered to ship me out a purportedly nut-free flavor of my choice, which of course I wouldn't refuse, so I got these Olive Oil & Herb crackers to actually try. And lots of them!

My review will try to abstract away from their tumultuous origin story, though. So - these crackers were fine. Good size and thin, crispy texture. A fairly unique taste, which is herby but not overmuch. Would go well with cheese. I mainly ate them on their own. My boyf was a bigger fan than I was and thought they were really good. I think he prefers blander food than I do, so that might be a factor. I would eat them again, but only once they update the website!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Cheez-It Snack Mix - Double Cheese

I used this to eat Easy Mac when I didn't have a spoon. It held up. Thanks, Cheez-It! Otherwise, this is really salty and the ingredients list is, like, absurdly long. But it tastes good. All the components are fun: two cheez-it flavors (mostly indistinguishable), cheeto type things (good), little tiny bread pieces (salty bits) and pretzels (the healthy palate cleanser). A good hotel late night snack!

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Pepperidge Farm Cracker Trio

You go, Pepperidge Farm! This cracker trio is great. It used to be a quartet with gross sesame crackers, and now it's just their 3 classic cracker flavors. All really thick and firm, so good with cheese/dip/toppings but also tasty on their own, for the most part. A classic for the holidays.

Harvest wheat: these are my favorite, as they have the most flavor. They're a bit sweet, a bit savory, like a pillowy wheatable. 8/10

Butterfly crackers: A crowd favorite, these are buttery and light. A good generic base. 6/10

English water cracker: These are hilariously less tasty than the other types, but have basically zero flavor so are a perfect conduit for good spready cheese. I always eat the most of them because they're so plain! 5/10

Overall
Cost: 6/10 (About 4$)
Taste: 7/10

Thin Wheat Crackers - Reduced Fat

This name is hilarious. I mean, Thin Wheat? They're wheat thins and they want the world to know it. And look, they aren't quite as good as wheat thins - they're a little thinner and a little softer, and a little less "wheaty", but overall they're very similar. If you told me these were wheat thins at a party I wouldn't be like "wait, no they aren't!". So the fact that they're a dollar cheaper and also have a hilarious knockoff name makes them a smart buy in my book. Good work, Signature Kitchens (presumably Acme store brand).

Overall
Cost: 7/10 (About 2$)
Taste: 6/10