Signature Select Fresh Basil Leaves

This isn't what the container looks like, but whatever, it was bad anyway. I saw this at the store for 1 whole dollar cheaper than the fresh basil plant I usually get, and I thought "yeah, OK", but the container says not to refrigerate for over 24 hours, so I didn't, and then it completely went black and slimy in a matter of 2-3 days. So instead I had no basil at all. (Upside: turns out the lasagna tastes better without basil anyway, but it was the PRINCIPLE of the thing!)

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [2.50]
Taste: ???/10 

Buffalo Wing Pringles

Jesus. These are something. OK, first of all, I don't even LIKE pringles, but they're often a Survivor reward and so I often end up buying them for school and then eating them myself because I get hungry. And then I get in the habit of eating Pringle and so I am more likely to buy additional Pringle. All that to say: these showed up in my store's SUPER CLEARANCE section (which is like 2 selves - it's rare to have food in there, usually seasonal paper plates and ant killer etc) and I was in Pringles-mode so I bought 'em. The trouble with the super clearance section is that the things in there are usually seasonal/discontinued, broken/damaged, or Really Really Bad. I actually think these might be discontinued (because now there is a "buffalo ranch" flavor), but they are also really really bad. "Bursting with flavor" is right. But the instant smell& flavor is burnt plastic. Like a really strong, bad, chemical smell and flavor. Like someone melted the little wax papers they pick up donuts with and then you ate one of those. Oh, it's bad. But then after you mentally process that, there is a strong, spicy (hardly medium! or I guess I'm extra cayenne-sensitive) buffalo wing flavor. Both the sauce (hot, vinegary, scary in how much it burns me) and, weirdly, the chicken wing (no chicken or meat ingredos here though). Like even the burnt bird fat (excuse my language) comes through. The accuracy is actually shocking, like the first time I had BLT chips and was like "woah??". I don't really like buffalo wings in themselves, so that's nothing to write blogs about, but it is still crazy how they did it from a food science perspective. I wonder if the burnt plastic chaser is the only way to make it happen. Or if I had a weird can (happens more often than you'd think). Part of me is so curious that I want to get more just for research. But it's very off-putting at the front. But very intriguing at the back. And pringles win: both flavors are so powerful that the underlying yucky chip flavor doesn't even play a role here at all. Using advanced licking technology, I can confirm that both the chemical flavor and the accurate flavor are contained within the powdered seasoning and not the chip itself. It's wild. Like the apple jack poptart, this is an experience that will stay with me for a long time. And what is a life well-lived if not a series of notable experiences? 

Overall
Cost: 8/10 [1$]
Taste: 4/10 

Dunkin Smores K-Cups

An annoying consequence of leaving the house a lot (I get dunkin as a reward for leaving the house) and having a sensitive brain (I limit myself to 1 coffee/day) means I rarely have occasion to try Dunkin's at-home products anymore! But this is actually good because most of their products are bad. Sorry Dunks, I still love you. These, for instance, have the same artificial flavor that all of their flavored sugar-free coffees have (cinnamon, pumpkin, etc). The main note is just "chemical". If you really use your palate, you can notice some graham and some marshmallow, but it is extremely backgrounded and not delicious (even if you add milk or whatever). A real whatever the opposite of a slam-dunk is. Almost makes me look forward to leaving the house again (but not quite). 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [13$]
Taste: 4/10

Weetabix

God, this stuff is hilarious. I like the slogan: "It looks different, because it is different." Really teaching our kids an interesting lesson about human diversity. But no worries, because any self-respecting kid would throw this in the garbage and burn the box. Did we really need to import a cereal that comes in biscuit form? And I'm not talking cookie-biscuit, I'm talking large oval triscuit basket biscuit. Watching the milk seep in really gave a nice preview of the agony that was about to go down inside my body. It tastes like a wheat biscuit, or, post-milk, like what oatmeal would be if it were wheat. I had to throw out the post-milk disaster, maybe because milk is bad, but I could choke down the plain dry biscuit. The box suggests yogurt, nuts, or honey as some prep options, but also "plain milk and then heat it up" was the suggested option for Friday (today). I admit, I do like the idea of weekday suggestions, even though the majority of them disgusted me. Too bad it was porridge Friday; I will never buy a Weetabox again (even though it's made in Canada; allergy paradise). I do like that it comes in oreo-esque paper wrapping inside a cereal box, though. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10 

Cap'n Crunch's Arctic Crunch - Vanilla Frost

The reviews for this are so bad... I couldn't stay away. The reviews are correct. I should have stayed away. This tastes like frozen lima beans, which I haven't had in a loooong time, because I am allergic to beans. But lima beans are the only bean I don't miss, because they are mealy and gross. This cereal isn't mealy (it's Kix-texture), but it is gross. Genuinely, it tastes like freezer burn (arctic crunch!) and light vegetable. Very weird vibes. I don't get any "cooling effect", though, which is just about the only good thing you get with these novelty frosty cereals. OK, one other good thing here: the aesthetics of the cream & cerulean orbs are very good and unique. It's one of the prettiest cereals I've ever seen. Like glass orbs in a modern Nordic-inspired home catalogue. Other than bad bean, the main flavor note I detect is "aspirational vanilla frosting (gluten free?)". Like me, its aspirations remain unfulfilled. 

As I did my usual "eating a new food allergy panic attack website google" (parse that one, syntax nerds), I saw that this is no longer listed under available products on the Quaker site (though it is ostensibly allergen free). Smart move, Cap'n. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Andes Toffee Crunch Thins

These are, strictly speaking, forbidden. But they're also, strictly speaking, really small. While we're speaking strictly, these are also a little bit gross. But just a little because they're small. 

Meanwhile, I'm cultivating a little dietary restriction paradigm in my head. You've got physical restrictions (allergies, intolerances), ethical restrictions (veganism, kosherism), and then a scale of strength (death vs tummy aches) and temporal resolution (immediate consequences vs longterm consequences). It all adds up to a pretty cool chart that I will not bother to actually produce. But it's something I'm cultivating, OK? So even if the brain diet restrictions are potentially strong, the temporal resolution is long. It's like, yes maybe god will smite me, but it'll take so long that I won't even know if it's because I ate this bad Andes mint or if it was something else I did. Herein lies my defense to my future self (or family, weepily reading this blog as they say "It was the Andes mints that did it"). Thank you for your prompt attention.

Now then. These taste like malted milk balls. I do not know why. Also these are not mints, I shouldn't call them mints. But they aren't chocolate or toffee either. Or even crunch. I guess it's true that they are "thins". The taste is bad. The texture is identical to mint-Andes. The chocolate is worse than mint-Andes because of the weird artificial malt-toffee (and lack of mint). If you want to punish yourself (as I often do), these are perfect. The color makes them look like they'd be good. Sneaky.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Junior Caramels

Yooo. Tootsie is a great allergy-friendly company. I like Junior Mints. I like caramels. But if these are new and improved, I tremble at the thought of how they used to be. Basically, they taste nothing like caramel or chocolate. The overwhelming flavor note for me is artificial coconut flavor, which makes no sense because these have no artificial flavors and no coconut ingredients. Maybe the palm oil?? I really don't know, but it's not at all what I hoped for. The texture is fine though, very soft and chewable.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 4/10

International Delight Cold Foam Creamer

Wah! I was so excited for my store to finally carry a type of cold foam, but it's WEIRD :( Nothing like the coffee shop foam. Maybe it's the flavor, and if they had a non-vanilla one it would be different. But this has a weird chemical/artificial flavor that pervades the entire coffee. So if it had a nice flavor of cream, then it'd be awesome. The can and texture are fine. The taste is weird and moderately bad. Will try on an iced coffee next but I expect the same result. Woe. (My store only has this and caramel, no other flavors or brands. Woe woe.)

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

De Cecco Potato Gnocchi (no. 401)

Well, I thought I didn't like gnocchi before, but eating this made me feel a whole new level of not-liking!! The prep was easy, it looks allergy safe, and so that's all well and good. But the texture is the same old weirdness (mushy glue ball) and even worse, the taste is SOUR rather than being just "meh". It's like some lemon juice or vinegar or something got into the gnocchis. A few reviewers online mention this, calling it a chemical taste, but most people liked them, so it makes me wonder if I got spoiled ones or something. The sauce I made is great, and if I had used the DeLallo gnocchis which were bland but not actively offensive, I would have really enjoyed the dish. Alas.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Ben's Original Ready Rice Chili Garlic

Yoooo. I like the Spanish rice flavor a lot, and the plain and I think chicken are OK, but this one is not my fav. It's the same easy prep, but the flavor is a little chemically, as another reviewer noted. Even though I don't think there are chemicals/artificial flavors in here?? But it tastes like cleaning fluid or a mechanic's drain tray. A little. I think it might be the chili, or maybe the garlic. There's a spice to it, but also a bad flavor to it. Don't get this. OK, thanks.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Tostitos Nacho Cheese Dip

Noooooo I bought these thinking they were just little cups of the tostitos QUESO which I've had before and like. But this is not QUESO! it is some horrible cheeseless oil paste they call DIP. Why didn't I look closer!? Booo. It's unpleasant. No good. I gave the others to my parents; if they report that they love it, I'll edit this post.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Birds Eye Voila! Lasagna With Meat Sauce Oven Bake Meal

The reviews of these are extremely bad, so I was kind of scared to try this. But, soy-free meat and it was on sale! There's very little cheese in this, but it makes 3 400-calorie servings, so it's a good amount of food. In fact, so much that it barely fit in my 8x11 pan (and they said to use 8x8!!). Takes over an hour to cook, though. The taste was not very good, in fact. There's just too many little sausage orbs and white onion cubes, and the sausages have a bit of a floral taste. No soy, but the vibes are very off nevertheless. Kind of like a McDonalds hamburger or a goulash. The sauce is not very present, and the noodles are wet and floppy. There's no cheese to speak of, nor red pepper. It's filling enough but it is definitely not my ideal lasagna (take out the sausage/onion and it'd be a million times better though). 

Update: the second serving of this was so hard to get through, even with cheese added and sausage picked around. I actually threw out the third serving. Really unpleasant vibe!

Overall
Cost: 5/10 (on sale for ~5$)
Taste: 4/10

Dunkin' Blueberry Muffin K-Cups

Oh Dunkin. You keep burning me! Actually, when I first sipped this, I was pleasantly surprised -- it just tasted like the blueberry shot from the resto, which I sometimes get in a latte and which is pleasant enough. But a weird sweet/artificial/trash-like aftertaste soon followed. Why, Dunkin, why!? I gotta stop buying any flavored Dunkin products, because I hate 'em all (except pumpkin spice which is just OK). :(

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Dunkin' Cold Caramel k-cups

Dunkin' I love you, but you're bringing me down

I should have known these would be bad after the bad caramel instant cofe and the bad plain cold cofe. Indeed, they were bad. The exact same BITTER horrible "caramel" flavoring that even sugar didn't cover, so I needed to deploy the horrible milky starbucks can frapp again. Sigh. No more flavored dunkies for me!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Dunkin' Cold Powdered Coffee - Caramel

Yikes! Compared to the unflavored version, this is insanely bitter, even with tons of ice and a little milk. I guess this is made for people who use creamer and sugar, because it's undrinkable otherwise. Luckily I have a lot of too-sweet starbucks cans so I can mix those in, but I'll never buy this again. No bueno.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Tostitos Toppers Fiesta Ranch Sauce & Dressing

OK, I kind of knew I wouldn't love this, and I was right. It smells gross and tasted OK on super spicy rice, but if you actually taste it, it tastes just like ranch dressing, with a very very subtle cheese-y undernote. I'm not loving it on chips and salsa (you need a lot of salsa), it really needs to be paired with something super spicy, I think. Maybe buffalo!?

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Hormel Compleats - Turkey & Dressing

Hooray, friends, I lived to write another bad review! I really wanted to like this because I love turkey meals, and it was soy-free! But it was just so gloopy and tasteless. Also it had waterchestnuts in it (which are not real nuts), so there was a random crunch going on. What am I doing, I asked myself as I sadly glorped this into my glob. Do not recommend.

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 4/10

vlasic - Kosher Dill Spears

Classic vlasic, these are. At least there's no sugar in these, so it's just pure unadulterated pickle. They were "OK" in teeny bites with my nachos, but as a pickle spear solo, I'm finding it difficult to eat. The taste is just so much vinegar, and they leave off such a bright green goo trail, too. I do appreciate the "pure" ingredients, but I just don't like pickles, darn it. Fine for recipe use though, I guess.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Swedish Fish

Yo, I don't know what it is -- I used to like Swedish Fish, I think! But they taste so weird to me now. Like, weird floral chemical vibes. Plus the mineral oil. I'm sorry, Sweden, your fish are bad.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Jennie-O Oven Ready Homestyle Boneless Turkey Breast

Alas, I should have known better when I saw "JENNIE-O"s name. This was weird and salty and fake, overall not good. It did cook in just 2 hours though! And I ate it without dying, so I guess the filler wasn't pure pea & soy, but it's definitely not your ideal Thanksgiving bird.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10