2022 Ambición Merlot

These janked up wines got me taking my own pictures again. Speaking of pictures, what is going on with some of my recent ones? They suddenly look like they're melting. Is it the apocalypse? Maybe this wine fermented into 80% alc and I'm just hallucinating. That'd be nice. 

Otherwise, it's not that great. Usually I like merlots, or at least once I'm a glass in I like them, but this one was just 'meh'. It is fairly bright and jammy; strong cherry note, but it's also thin and too intense for my preference. Acidic nose too [me at EDC: some of my best friends have an acidic nose,]. The cork did say "wine is the union of cultures", and I like that. I unioned with Argentina and thought, "next". 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

McCormick Chili Powder

What spices are in chili powder? Glad you asked. Other than the titular pepper, there's (according to McC's website): garlic, cumin, oregano, and salt. And maybe other "spices" left to the reader's imagination. The Q&A person on their website actually did a wonderful job answering the many submitted ingredient Qs (including when someone asked if there was paprika in and they said (paraphrasing): "so. paprika is a chili pepper. and there are chili peppers in here"), thus I know there isn't mustard (yay), and also not mace, or annatto, or corn, or tomato, or gluten. I really do appreciate that they answered the Qs publicly, but like....why not just write the actual spice names on the ingredient list????? My kingdom for transparent ingredient lists. Maybe in the 2030s. 

Anyway, other than mustard, anise, and fenugreek, I'm not really allergic to any "spices", but cumin stresses me because of its past peanut-containing scandalos. So I was worried about this even though I've definitely eaten chili and its powder many times. Naturally, it didn't kill me. Had a darker flavor than spicy - despite not containing onion, it did present with some sort of oniony? garliccy? vibe. I don't know, really. Anyway, I ate this, and you can too. (unless you are allergic to pepper!) 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Spindrift Lemon Limeade

This is bottom tier spindrift to me (even if top tier colors). I guess 2% juice isn't quite enough % juice to do the job. Or lemon/lime isn't very stimulating. Either way, this is basically: I ordered water at a restaurant and it came with a lemon wedge and I squeezed it in the water. Uninspiring and most of the time I regret doing that and wish I just had water instead. So it goes. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 
Taste: 5/10 

Special Edition Green Giant Dill Pickle Seasoned Roated Potatoes

It's pickle season, boys! Usually the frozen veg section is immune to limited edition flavors and seasonals, but maybe the jolly green giant is looking to change that. As a veg-desirer, I am very open to the prospect, even if what we're starting with is dill (mid) potatoes (mid). I was so open to it that I paid full price for them, lest they be disappeared before my grocery return. Was it worth it? I mean, no. But that's no surprise. Unfortunately they were worse than even I anticipated - pretty dry, smelling a little like a bad chain restaurant (plasticy vinegary vinyl booth seat vibes), and not really even that pickle flavored (more like citric acid/vinegar/salt flavored). Good texture though, and they look pretty.

It also should be noted for the stats fiends that these have a ton of salt (1.4k mg), but a decent amount of fiber (6g).  

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [4$]
Taste: 5/10

hamburger HELPER - Breakfast Cheesy Hashbrowns

This is what we're doing with our one wild and precious world!!! In all seriousness, I grew up before Easy Mac was a thing, so when I first discovered it I was like "wow - this is a game changer", even though it was objectively bad food. This is kind of a similar vibe. I can recognize it's ghastly, and in 50 years I'm sure it won't be popular, but right now I'm like, "technology in the junk food arena has really advanced! Incredible"! Plus, this has soy-less sausage, which is super rare for any processed food (as you'll know if you take a look down any frozen food aisle). And it's cheapo, portable, shelf-stable, and has decent protein/fiber (240 calos). What it doesn't have is: vitamin, flavor, self-respect. It's just like me fr. I took it to visit my family because they never have any food I can eat, but they do have a microwave and a sink (praise be). 

First off, this made more food content then I expected. The cup is basically full. It looks really gross, like brownish yellow shreds that you dump a truly unholy amount of yellow powder with snausage lumps into and add water and cook. It's mainly potato bits, which are firm, and cheese goo, which is not very good but not actively offensive either. Gotta let it cool off for quite a while. Could use some veg, or egg, or something. I guess those "Just Crack an Egg" cups were really the pinnacle of the genre, except those require a fresh egg which is pretty hard to travel with. On the whole, this is pretty much what I expected. Not gross or chemical or scary or anything crazy, it just tastes like bad potato positively doused in the goop from a goop-easy mac (as opposed to a powder-easy mac). The snausage was negligible, almost like the vitamin water of snausage. Probably they just added it for the protein hounds out there (men). However, my conclusion was that I should have just eaten some pumpkin seeds instead. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 5/10  

Dunkin' Double Café Mocha Iced Espresso

Finally, I've completed the trifecta. And this one has the strongest "can" taste of all. What is that, anyway? Is it actually the metal of the can leeching in, or is it some preservative, or is it the type of coffee, or? It's definitely stronger in cancoffee than in bottlecoffee. It tastes so bad. Ugh. Other than the can taste, it's good, like chocolate milk but coffee. A good sweetness (very sweet) that goes well with the choco-pudding vibe. But the can! It's extreme! Boooo, canned coffee. Boo. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Oat Haus Granola Butter - Vanilla

I admit I wasn't super impressed by the other flavors of Granola Butter, but I am willing to try a 1-serving packet of another flavor, sure. Even if it's the Pikachu of flavors. This is 170calos and has the texture of ketchup. That is, it's way less solid than the jar butters. I kneaded for so long. The most vigorous massage I ever gave in my life was wasted on this granola butter packet. I did all my toothpaste tube maneuvers and ended up with like, one spoonful of wet, shiny, tahini-looking glorp. It tasted like the other flavors, but less good because there was no chocolate. So like, a kinda vanilla, kinda coconut, kinda oat, sugary oily blorp. That sounds good actually, but it wasn't. It was just there. Trying to think what would be good to pair with this and I don't know. Chocolate? Cheesecake? Froyo? But I don't have any of these things. So. Glad it was just a single serving in there! Now we know!

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [1.50]
Taste: 5/10 

Snyder's Dipping Sticks Pretzels

So my first reaction to these was: I guess desperation snacks (for when I am away from home all day, e.g.) are less tasty when I'm not despo. Which is true, I'm sure, but then I realised I usually get Utz and these are Snyder's! Two great brands of pretzels that both have "nut free" messaging on the package! Only... these aren't so great. They kinda taste like nothing instead of tasting like pretzel. Maybe it's the smoke. Or maybe it's just the "dipping stick" shape, which is probably meant to be dipped, and I dippn't. Whatever the reason, although these are convenient, reliable at easing hunger, and I'm not allergic to them, they don't have any non-functional virtues. For that I suppose I must return to the candy aisle. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Dunkin' Double Original Iced Espresso Can

Oh Dunkin... the things I do for you. Calling this espresso is such a stretch. It's just creamy sugar coffee water with a special weird "can" ingredient (metal?) that makes my throat feel tight. Maybe that's just what 30g of sugar (not an exaggeration) does at once in liquid form, I don't know. Sugar was not made to be done so dirty!! It's not that it tastes horrible, but it definitely doesn't taste good. Same as all those bottled Starbuckses, I guess. Ugh. Why don't they make, like, non cream-and-sugared versions of these things? What happened to Health Conscious Consumerism? And why does every can coffee drink taste like full can?? Ah well. 2 more flavors to go. 

This has 140mg of caffeine (someone), by the way, which is about 1 kcup or 1/2 an actual dunkin medium drink. So that's fine. But you really have to suffer to get it, which is surely the opposite of their intention. 

Wait, one more thing: "original flavored with other natural flavors"? Be so for real.  

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [4$!?]
Taste: 5/10 

village farms heavenly villagio marzano TRIO

These guys are the jelly belly of tomatoes. Maybe. Well, I don't know. You'd think the three-color (red, yellow orange, orange yellow) would be better than the straight red version of these marzanos, but - and I suspect this was just a one-time thing - they tasted a little bit off. Like floral or chemical or plastic or something. Usually that'd make me think they'd gone bad, but they looked in fine shape, and the weirdness didn't increase over time, so I'm not sure. Anyway, they do look pretty, and they didn't kill me, but I've had heavenlyer. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Tostitos Tortilla Chips - Mexican Street Corn

I like [street corn] as a noun, but apparently, not as an adjective. The hint of lime on these is way too heavy to be felicitously considered a hint, which as always has the effect of making them taste like Trix cereal. They are a little spicy which is nice, there's a minor cheese taste as well as a minor "bean paste" vibe (scary), and a serving is 6 chips (although they are very big chips). IDK, man, it's not my vibe. My parents both liked them, although my analysis there is that my dad just likes that weird lime flavor and my mom just likes anything new. At least the bag didn't go to waste!

 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10  

Hillandale Farms - Extra Large Eggs

More Hillandale eggs... how many variants are there?! These are Extra Large, which is the size I've grown accustomed to (although really I'd probably be better off with medium, since I don't love eggs). They really do come in this blue foam packaging, which I hate. Maybe it's to prevent breakage, but I still lost 1-2 eggs. They are also possibly glued to the container?? Or else so broken that the yolk glued them. They also don't tout any cage-free/free-range/humane adjectives, which I don't feel great about. What is my veg box (which refuses to sell meat, but sells a ton of vegan beanmeat and nut milk (much to my chagrin)) doin?! Maybe I'll have to Consider store eggs (or no eggs) if they keep sending these foamers. [britta voice] I can excuse eating animal products, but I draw the line at factory farming. 

Anyway, they taste fine. The color is definitely way whiter than Sauder's, and the yolk is less firm and plump (a true grade A, I guess) but in the end it's all egg. No major issues on the consumption front. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [1.50]
Taste: 5/10 

2019 Chateau Franc-Cardinal Bordeaux

Please, look at this promotional image. This is how things were before AI.... beautiful. Anyway, you might think I'm on a wine bender with two reviews in a row, but it's really just wacky life circumstances and the power of RNG. (Too bad). This has one of the most intense Brettanomyces situations I've ever experienced. I am not a Brett bae. It smells like a sweaty saddle, and that's being generous. Since I am not attracted to horses, this is an unpleasant smell. However, the wine has high ratings, so I tried to stick it out. It does ease up if you let it breathe, and on the 2nd day the smell is much reduced. But the taste is still leather, squeaky, plastic, mulch. Farm life in a bottle. Since the darling otter (?) is serving it, I will endure, but this is really not my vibe. Decent on the acids/tannins spectra though. 

Overall
Cost: 3/10 [29$]
Taste: 5/10

Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Fast Food Fries

Despite my heritage(??) I'm not that into potatoes. Or at least non-liquid potatoes. But I have so many sauces that I don't know what to put on, so to the fry aisle we go. These seem appealing because they're skinny, which is less potato per square mile and more salt/oil/sauce/air. In the end, they projected more cardboardy potato than their size warranted. Not impressed. But, the smell when cooking reminded me of East Mall Arby's, which reminded me of my grandma, so that was nice. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Goya Fajita Tortillas

Coming into these with some annoyance because I actually WANTED corn tortillas, but they were all fully expired at da store, and this was the smallest size non-expired flour alternative. Also, I'm pretty sure Goya sucks, politically (but is usually fine taste-ily). The stupid Papyrus font on the package did cheer me a little, though. And I'm using these for a slow-cooky enchilada recipe that I like very much, so that's good. On their own, they're very chewy (maybe stale?) and flavorless, as expected from goya flour tortilla! But as a required floppy starch in a mexican dish, they did the job, even if not inspiringly. The other brands I got during 2020 were better tasting, I must say (or at least that's how I remember it). 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Hillandale Farms Large Brown Cage Free Eggs

Huh, Large eggs really are smaller than Jumbo eggs, aren't they? These are basically tiny eggs. I'm America-brained when it comes to egg sizes. Anyway, I accept whatever size egg the veg box (and egg box) delivery brings me, and I'm glad these are at least back to being cage-free. They expired within like a week, though, so that's disconcerting, and they also smelled like burning plastic when cooking. Unless my pan got a lil spare plastic on it from something else. Nevertheless!! They taste: like eggs. I dunno. I don't really like eggs, but they sure are protein. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Hillandale Farms Jumbo Eggs

These are commissary eggs! I'm also a little confused about why my veg box gave me them, since they aren't the cage free badbois I purchased. Also, fully 6/12 eggs arrived cracked, so my foam-package opinion is negative(r). Ah well. Taste-wise, they were fine: typical egg. Very thick shells with an astringent smell (washed in chemicals or somethin?). Jumbo size. Healthy looking yolk. But I miss Sauder's! Come back, Sauder's! 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10 

Munchies Snack Mix - Cheese Fix Flavored

Yeah, I've got the munchies. Munchies snack mix from my job that I absolutely pounced on because they don't treat me well and eating my weight in free snacks is what I deserve!!! Unfortunately it's a bit of a "stop hitting yourself" scenario because these are tragic. The ingredos are like War and Peace. Despite student claims to the contrary, the contents of Cheeto, Pretzel, and Cheddar Sun Chip taste just the same as the non-Munchies Mix versions. But the Doritos are tiny little triangles, which is more delicious (less Dorito)! All together it's a cute scene, so why do I scorn it so? Because I don't LIKE Doritos, Cheetos, or Cheddar Sun Chip. Also the pretzels are made of corn (weird). Also, Munchies is the FritoLay brand name used for their peanut butter (et al) cracker packs (scary). Otherwise, this is a fun nut free snack. 

Overall
Cost: FREE/10
Taste: 5/10 

Two-Bite Churro Dulce De Leche Cupcakes

Strike's over... back to work... on some cupcakes!! You know what they say -- the best way to get over an allergy fear is to get under some cupcakes. Etc etc. Anyway, these are fun and look like animal's eyes (frosting-wise). They also contain graham flour, which if it's a typo for gram flour will be my downfall. But I think I remember saying that about another flavor, so probs not. (Also you'd think an allergy company would be careful about such things, but ah, I lived long enough to know it isn't so). 

Anyway, where were we. The dark brown blorp is a caramel goo - not frosting! - but very sweet. Like a chocolate bar inside caramel. Fine, fine. The frosting is just typical mini cupcake frosting, maybe mildly cream cheese and/or cinnamon flavored. And the cake is just regular vanilla cake! Oh, frabjous day! I thought it'd be filled for sure, and that would have been major overkill. Kind of like the concept of "churro dulce de leche cupcake". Did they just pick two Hispanic treats? Whither flan?  

There are some crumbley lookin blorps on top, evoking I suppose churro, but they are indistinguishable from the general frosted scene. 

This isn't terrible, but it actually is. The plain ones are much better. The only redeeming factor is: I'm not allergic to it. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Twinings Pure Iced Tea

Tea time, tots! When I got this, the outside was covered in red goo (tomato sauce)? But I am too lazy to follow up, so I just tossed the packaging and consumed as normal. Luckily the bags are in sealed foil (36x2), and they're sewed together in a condom-esque fashion. More like sachets than bags, since there is no string with tab at the end. But it's OK, I'm not too good to go fishing in the cup (as evidenced by my acceptance of sauce-covered product). There are two options for enjoyment, according to the website/box:

Enjoy by the Pitcher: Pour 4 cups boiling water over 4 tea bags in a clean heat-resistant pitcher, steep for 4 minutes, remove tea bags. Fill the rest of pitcher with ice or 4 cups of cold water. Enjoy now or refrigerate for later.

Enjoy by the Glass: Pour boiling water over tea bag in a heat-resistant glass, steep for 4 minuets, remove tea bag, add ice to desired strength & enjoy!

Fine, fine. Very fine. I'm only one person here, so I'll start with the glass option. Queuing up my favorite Bach. How was that? Observation the first: there is no amount of ice you can put in a standard cup that will both not overflow and succeed in icing the tea. This is why you make iced coffee in huge tumblers. Anyway, I ended up with warm tea. Observation the second: It tasted like normal black tea. What are we doing here? Maybe I'll try the pitcher later, since that has the benefit of going in the fridge. Also, my head hurts and this didn't help :(

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10