Hidden Valley Ranch Creamy Jalapeño Ranch

What happens when you combine the spicy tingle of hot peppers and cool creamy ranch flavor? All jalapeño breaks loose! - Hidden Valley Ranch 

Loyal readers will know I'm not a ranch fan. I've evolved from hater to not-a-fan-er, which combined with the cheeky slogan above was enough to get me trying 'er out. Supposedly this is a 4 on the 4-pepper scale of ranch heat, although I didn't know there was a ranch heat scale in the first place, so the endpoints are a bit nebulous. I had this with fries because I can't eat raw veg, and it was honestly not bad. There's a good amount of heat - I'd have given it the penultimate pepper, because I can eat it without drinking anything or feeling discomfort, but that's like, good. Crucially it is ALMOST enough heat to cover up the ranch flavor. Not quite, though - there is still ranch flavor (which is still gross, sorry). There is also a lot of MSG and its cousins, which adds to the vibe that it tastes like restaurant food. For me, someone who yearns for restaurant vibes but can't really eat at one anymore, that is a pro. But if you want something luxe and not "college town beach bar"esque, maybe look elsewhere. 

Overall
Cost: 3/10 [7$, though it's a huge bottle]
Taste: 6/10

Hidden Valley Ranch Cheez-Its

From a non-horrible pickle flavor to a non-horrible ranch flavor! What a world, eh? Maybe I'm just relieved they aren't a weird smokey flavor for once in my cheez-it life. These don't really scream "ranch", to be fair, more like "regular cheez it with some chicken-in-a-biscuit (umami) vibes". Not a super strong flavor, either, which is good since I'm on the fence about it. An appropriate snack for those "I really needed to mow today but it started raining before I got to it so now I'm inside eating cheez-its" evenings. Put that on your Spotify playlist. Alas and/or hooray. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10 

Idahoan Mashed Potatoes - Hidden Valley Ranch

There sure are a lot of Ranch flavored things. As a noted Ranch disliker, it's weird that I keep buying them, I know. But they usually don't taste that much like ranch! Anyway, these smelled a bit bad in the package, which made me nervous, but they smelled more normal once mixed with the hot water. This makes a generous amount, and it's quite tedious to eat it plain, but I wanted to get a true sense of the flavor. Which is: vaguely ranchy, I suppose. Mostly tastes like cream and typical onion/garlic potato seasoning. Salty. It's fine, but not noticeably distinct from most of the other Idahoan flavors I've had. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Hidden Valley Ranch - Pickled Flavored Ranch

Well, this looks a lot like ranch and smells a lot like ranch. It tastes like pickle. Actually, it tastes like glorpy mayo pickles on a fast food burger. I never really liked this, but I do think it's better than ranch without pickle flavor. If you love burger pickles or the idea of "cream of pickle", you'll love this. I imagine it'd be decent on a sandwich, like a chicken sandwich or something. Big dill energy. I don't hate it -- better than pickles, better than ranch, but not better than, say, mustard or ketchup or thousand island.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 (1 point for novelty)

Hidden Valley Ranch Secret Sauce - Cajun

I really don't like ranch, especially as a dipping sauce, so my biggest hope was that this would taste nothing like ranch. It does have a promising orangey color, and it smells a lil spicy. It also has tamarind in it, which is a terrifying looking legume, but apparently that's also in Sweet Baby Ray's so hopefully it is fine. The taste fortunately does not evoke ranch, although it is very creamy/eggy/milky/"warm". A bit like a spicy mayo. It's OK, looks pretty, and goes well with fries. It would go even better on some fried chicken for sure. I don't think I'd seek this out -- it's still cheese or ketchup (not both!!) for me, but it's decent and I'll use the rest of the bottle probably.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Hidden Valley Ready-to-Eat Dip, Classic Ranch

Hidden Valley always makes me think of my college bud Alex, who hid ranch and said "Well, it's hidden valley". Ah, memories. 

Anyway, this dip was fine. It's shelf stable (I guess), which is a good quality, but then it's more like a dressing than a dip and I think that came through here. It was weirdly sweet and not very milky. I don't know, but I think plain ranch dressing may be a better choice for a dip. Sorry, HV.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10