La Banderita Burrito Grande Flour Tortillas

Once again, these were an option instead of Goya, and they had a better expiry and better not-Goyaness, so I got 'em. They truly are big, both in size (takes up a full large plate) and calos (220). Originally I got this for an enchilada bake, and when soaking up sauce+cheese, it was good. But eating the leftovers now as burritos/tortillas/wraps, they taste like those Mission tortillas I got in the mail during peak covid that were about to expire. They have a particular "preserved flour" metallic board-like taste that I have grown to dislike. Maybe I just need more sauces (or cheeses) in my life. Also, the ziploc on this didn't work, so I had to use a whole other (huge) bag to store them. But also also, there's a cute cow on the back. Good in recipes (7), medium-bad as wrap (4). Know your plans I guess.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Haribo Balla Bites

Sour Balla Bites did imply the existence of [∅] Balla Bites, and lo, here they are. Tragically, they are much, much worse than the sour version. And not even the flavor, but like, the texture, which I think is actually quite different? It feels like clay or play-doh. The inside is fun, but the outside is like chewy wax? Or plastic? Weirdly there's no sorbitol in the ingredos (unlike the sour version), so maybe sorbitol is... good actually? So confusing. If you ever wondered what swallowing gum is like, I imagine it's a lot like eating this (both the texture and honestly kind of the taste, too). 
However, if I'd had these before the sour version I'd probably rate them a bit higher because they're still candy and all, it's just way less good, so I reject them out of hand.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Like Air Puffcorn - Pumpkin Spice

One thing these trendy allergy-free popup snack companies are sure to do is make way too many seasonal/limited edition flavors in their first few years. This is a total waste of resources and overwhelms the consumer! No wonder they all shut down soon after!! Stick to 1-2 per year like Haribo... fools..

Anyway, I do like a seasonal flavor. Hehe. This one is your typical pumpkin spice spice (though strong on the "spice" (nutmeg - allpice - clove) and light on the cinna-sugar), and the puffcorn is the same base as ever. The problem is, the base is savory by nature (although there's no onion or cheese this time, it still "evokes" those cheese puff vibes to me), and pumpkin spice (which does have some brown sugar in it) is sweet by nature. I think this is supposed to be a sweet snack, but it isn't quite sweet enough to get there. It's kind of like those spiced tumeric chai teas I got a while back. I can see how someone might enjoy this, and the base and seasoning are both pretty tasty on their own, but the combo disconcerts me as a sweet+savory combo hater. Anyway, it is nut free (actually, everything free) so I like it but I would not get this flavor again. I hope they defy the odds and keep pushing out nut free snacks! Go team! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

North Coast Organic Cinnamon Applesauce

I recently realised that apples in applesauce are cooked, which meant I could eat them! So I got this in my veg box, but it's kind of dumb because the form factor is: tiny pouch you have to suckle. I hate this. It makes me feel like a baby, or a vaper, or both. However, they are Top 9 free and taste good. The texture is a little too "paste" for my preference, but I guess that's necessary if you're going to slorp it through a tiny tiny tube nub thing. Actually, these are hands free, so would be great to take to school, but for some reason I just had this in my house sitting in a chair like I was eating a meal. Mistakes were made. The taste is applesauce.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4.30$ for 4]
Taste: 6/10 

Haribo Balla Bites Sour

Truly, Haribo stays innovating. These were quite good! There are four different flavors (each of which contains 3 different flavors), and they are actually different, but not particularly identifiable. They're too small to isolate the components of, I think. They all do taste good though. The sorbitol in the ingredos made me nervous, but I didn't suffer any ill effects! Not too sour, but a little bit sour and a little bit sweet. Very easy to eat a lot of. A soft and unique texture. They're called Pico-Balla in the EU, but I still don't know what Balla means. Maybe they made it up.

Apple outside: This is my favorite one, I think. I do get a lemon vibe. 7

Strawberry outside: I do get strawberry? And orange? 6

Orange outside: This has the best insides (along with apple, which has the same insides, as there are only 2 combos of 2 insides). The sour part is the best part still, but it's all good. 7

Lemon outside: Yes, there is lemon! Better than the strawberry one, because more neutral, I think. 6

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10 

Starburst Fruit Creme

Sharing size? Be so for real, Starburst fruit creme. I ate these in approx 3 days during A Great Sadness. But I probably would eat them during a great happiness too, because they are pretty good. Better than regular, I think, because they're a bit muted. Like a Red Symphony Bar to normie Hershey's bar. The flavors are:

Peach: Yes, it does taste like peach. Turns out, not my favorite flavor. 6.

Strawberry: Yes, it does taste like (a creamified) strawberry. It's good, although maybe a bit less than the normal pink one. 7.

Grapefruit: Now this is a rare candy flavor! I like it, it's really fun. I like and miss grapefruits. This is accurate, citrusy and nice. 8.

Orange: This is boring, but better than normie orange because less sharp. Creamified indeed. 7.

I wish there were creme yellow (what's yellow, lemon?) and red (cherry?) instead of peach. But maybe next year. Always room to grow, in life and in Starburst.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Like Air Puffcorn - White Cheddar

Woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown: They're saying it's good for school lunches!!! 

This stuff is fine. Same company as those weird dessert puffed rices, but these are puffed corn, which is a much more canonical puff. Essentially this flavor (white cheddar) is simply pirate's booty, right down the random onion powder (whyyyy on a cheddar flavor) and yeast extract (obvi). The upside is, Pirate's Booty has gotten more and more evasive with their allergy info (esp regarding nuts), and this company is proudly nut free right on the front (for now). (Also gluten free! Two worlds collide... briefly!)

Maybe because of the onion, this tastes a little like a square school lunch pizza. One fun aspect is that the puffs aren't any particular shape, like sphere, but rather weird goobly octopus-shaped blobs. The packaging makes it seem like they're aiming to be popcorn shaped, but haha, they definitely aren't. Anyway, fun shape and size. Medium fine taste. Good allergy info. All in all I'm pleased with the experience (although I wish my store had Big Bag and not single serve tinybag, for earth and also My Deep Hunger).

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Giant Brand Tri-Color Rotini

As brands go, Giant Brand has always been dependable with allergy info - they're good users of the "may contain" statement (i.e. this one may contain egg). I don't know their legume situation, but in this case perhaps ignorance is bliss. Anyway, these noodles were weirdly skinny for rotini - am I crazy or do I just buy weirdly thick rotini? Not sure. The taste was fine, anyway, nothing special. 

Overall
Cost: ??/10
Taste: 5/10 

Nature's Promise Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil

I'm always fascinated by the products at my parents' house. They never bought this stuff when I was a kid! What's happening?? In 20 years, will I be so different? Will I stop mainlining Dunkin and start being a Peet's fan?! I doubt it, but check back in 2046 to find out (if blog still exists... woe).

Used this on my pasta + broc, as one does, and I didn't like it as much as my normie FB olive oil. Is that because it's (organic) EVOO and not just OO? Probably, actually. But it had a very strong flavor. I don't want a strong flavor! I want the most neutral fatty liquid possible. Shoulda gone for butter, maybe. But I wasn't allergic, so it was fine. I think is the Giant store brand, but the organic one. Isn't it weird that store brands have bifurcated in this way? Yes. OK... bye!

Overall
Cost: ??/10
Taste: 5/10 

Orange La Croix

I thought I had already tried this one, but no, that was tangerine! My parents clearly have a type. Like the tandʒo, this was pretty good. Like an orange seltzer ought to taste like. Not too artificial/candy vibe; refreshing. Made me miss the ocean.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Carolina Whole Grain Brown Rice

Hey, a solid!! Stomachs everywhere rejoice. 

So, I usually buy "Ben's Original" for brown rice, but as is often the case with things I want, my store seems to no longer carry it. Instead they have only "CAROLINA" rice (n.b. neither grown or packaged in Carolina). Never heard of it, but it contains the single ingredient "rice" so seems OK as allergens go. Some people online even say this is their go-to rice brand! Well, I guess those people are looking for something different than me, because I used this in a soup and cooked it like 2x the normal time (i.e. over an hour) and the hull was still extremely.... hully. Very digestion-intensive rice. I guess if you want a quinoa/bulgur/ancient grain vibe, this could be good, especially since I can't usually eat that kind of stuff... but idk. I like a simple carb I guess. Still, it worked OK for soup, 'cause there's a lot of liquid surrounding it. Filling stuff. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Canada Dry - Cherry Fruit Spash (Cherry Ginger Ale)

The fizzy drinks are escalating!! Somehow every day I gain 10-20 new obligations, so I am pounding sugar in exciting new forms so I don't pass out and die. This has no caffeine so it is truly just fizzy wet sugar. With a splash of cherry juice! Supposedly there is real ginger in this, but it definitely leans more ginger ale than ginger beer. Actually, it leans more cherry 7UP than anything (not that I've ever had cherry 7up, but it's the type of thing I'd be making in those Freestyle soda machines back in my resto days). One upshot is that even though this is 1% juice and 99% sugar, it doesn't have any artificial flavors or colors, so the redness is presumably all cherry, which is wholesome. A pleasant, very sweet, cherry flavored sodey pop. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [8-9$ for a case... which seems insane but apparently soda costs this now]
Taste: 6/10 

Raspberry Lime Polar Seltzer

This is another good seltz. Very crisp, clean taste. Bubbly, almost bitter.  The raspberry and lime are present but very subtle. Not a strong scent either (although my sniffer's a bit degraded presently). Makes me feel like I am on vacation. I don't have maladaptive daydreaming (let alone daydreaming), but I do have maladaptive consumption delusions.... maybe one more seltzer will fix me....

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [1.20$]
Taste: 7/10 

Polar Seltzer - Cranberry Clementine

Bears are cute. I wanted Polar seltzer today for unknown reasons, and was almost convinced my store didn't have it (amongst the bubly, spindrift, LC, waterloo, and store brand) until I thought to check the mixer aisle. Behold! What makes a seltzer a mixer and not a seltzer? Is it bottle v. can? Anyway, here she is in all her glory. Very carbonated, very strong scent, very mild taste. I guess I can pretend I'm pounding some vodka, which is a top interest of mine. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [1.20$]
Taste: 6/10 

La Banderita White Corn Tortillas

A non-Goya corn tortilla option has appeared at my grocery store! (Nothing against Goya as product, only Goya as politics). You wouldn't think there could be much variation in cooked small corn tortillas, but these have noticeably less structural integrity - they fall apart much more, and are thinner. I think that's actually good though, because I don't like the taste of corn tortilla that much, so it feels like you're eating less of it. Much better heated (naturally); a good vessel for cheese (naturally). (I tried adding a little of that jalepeno ranch to see if that'd be good, but it was horrible, ranch sucks). 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10 

Gold Peak Slightly Sweet Iced Tea

No solids... only liquids... 

This tea brand makes me think of my students, because they love to call things "peak". Ah, the youth. It's owned by Coca Cola, but I thought they already had a different tea brand. Maybe they changed names. I'm too lazy to look into this right now, but the conceit of a sweetened-but-not-CRAZY-sweetened tea does appeal to me. It tastes pretty darn sweet though. But I like sweet things. It's only 33mg caff, which isn't that much, so I can drink this if I am very weary but already had a coffee. Not that that describes me or anything. It tastes like iced tea, and it is much better than plain tea (bc sugar) and the sweet tea I sometimes get from vending machines when I'm dyin (bc way less sugar). A good product. I don't really like the taste of tea that much, but this is probably one of the optimal iterations. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

2022 Ambición Merlot

These janked up wines got me taking my own pictures again. Speaking of pictures, what is going on with some of my recent ones? They suddenly look like they're melting. Is it the apocalypse? Maybe this wine fermented into 80% alc and I'm just hallucinating. That'd be nice. 

Otherwise, it's not that great. Usually I like merlots, or at least once I'm a glass in I like them, but this one was just 'meh'. It is fairly bright and jammy; strong cherry note, but it's also thin and too intense for my preference. Acidic nose too [me at EDC: some of my best friends have an acidic nose,]. The cork did say "wine is the union of cultures", and I like that. I unioned with Argentina and thought, "next". 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Lancaster Farm Fresh Mixed Cherry Tomatoes

Me after 5 days of school: it is SO nice to have enough time to cook rice and tomato (~15 minutes). Maybe that's impacting my rating here, but these are great. Lots of colors in mine (all shades reds, orange, purple, yellow) and somewhat diverse sizes, too. No wrinkles or mold, tastes like a good little tomato, container is very full. Actually local, too. Huzzah, etc. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Hidden Valley Ranch Creamy Jalapeño Ranch

What happens when you combine the spicy tingle of hot peppers and cool creamy ranch flavor? All jalapeño breaks loose! - Hidden Valley Ranch 

Loyal readers will know I'm not a ranch fan. I've evolved from hater to not-a-fan-er, which combined with the cheeky slogan above was enough to get me trying 'er out. Supposedly this is a 4 on the 4-pepper scale of ranch heat, although I didn't know there was a ranch heat scale in the first place, so the endpoints are a bit nebulous. I had this with fries because I can't eat raw veg, and it was honestly not bad. There's a good amount of heat - I'd have given it the penultimate pepper, because I can eat it without drinking anything or feeling discomfort, but that's like, good. Crucially it is ALMOST enough heat to cover up the ranch flavor. Not quite, though - there is still ranch flavor (which is still gross, sorry). There is also a lot of MSG and its cousins, which adds to the vibe that it tastes like restaurant food. For me, someone who yearns for restaurant vibes but can't really eat at one anymore, that is a pro. But if you want something luxe and not "college town beach bar"esque, maybe look elsewhere. 

Overall
Cost: 3/10 [7$, though it's a huge bottle]
Taste: 6/10

Simply Apple Juice

Alas, can't drink wine when I really need wine the most (out of the house for 16 hours a day). This juice will have to do. Actually, I bought it for a recipe (pumpkin apple bread), and because the store was completely out of Martinelli's apple juice (which is funny because it implies to me that the undergrads were going ham on Martinelli's apple juice. Is it a mixer? Are their parents just fancy??). Anyway, we like a Simply juice, even if it's just "gently pasteurized". What do you mean by that, COCA COLA COMPANY? 

The point is, it tastes good. And it can't be too gentle because it didn't make me itchy. Very sweet, good apply flavor, way better than non-refrigerated non-Martinelli's apple juice. And it's almost the harvest season, so it feels appropriate. What's that? It's gonna be 90+ and sunny all next week? Haha... oh :(

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

2022 San Cisalto Trebbiano Puglia IGT

I know everybody makes those "it's just sparkling ___" jokes, but shoo, European wine law really is quite prescriptive. The IGTs are like, bottom-tier crap, and they still have to obey fairly strict location-based restrictions. Anyway, this is my very first trebbiano. (Probably also last, but I guess you never know.) About the varietal, Wiki tells us: "It gives good yields, but tends to yield undistinguished wine", and that is very real. I see myself similarly.

First taste, as is often the case, was unpleasant. Verrrrry acidic, thin, apple-y, plant-y. Not my favorite. But given a little time to b r e a t h e it gets sweeter, thicker, citrusier. Like a nice orangey apple juice. Doesn't keep super well, though. A real inverted-V wine experience. Pretty low alc (12%) and tannin/histamine, at least compared to the reds I imbibed in early summer. In the end I enjoyed it in accordance with its reputation. 

Upping my yield with some bonus content: here are all the synonyms of this grape. I bolded my favorites - Albano, Albana secco, Biancone, Blanc Auba, Blanc De Cadillac, Blancoun, Bobiano, Bonebeou, Branquinha, Brocanico, Bubbiano, Buriano, Buzzetto, Cadillac, Cadillate, Castelli, Castelli Romani, Castillone, Chator, Clairette D'Afrique, Clairette De Vence, Clairette Ronde, Engana Rapazes, Espadeiro branco, Falanchina, Greco, Gredelin, Hermitage White, Juni Blan, Malvasia Fina, Muscadet Aigre, Padeiro branco, Perugino, Procanico, Procanico Dell Isola D Elba, Procanico Portoferraio, Queue De Renard, Romani, Rossan De Nice, Rossetto, Rossola, Rossula, Roussan, Roussea, Rusciola, Saint Emilion, Saint Emilion Des Charentes, Santoro, Shiraz White, Spoletino, Talia, Trebbianello, Trebbiano, Trebbiano Della Fiamma, Trebbiano Di Cesena, Trebbiano Di Empoli, Trebbiano Di Lucca, Trebbiano Di Tortona, Trebbiano Fiorentino, Trebbiano Toscano, Trebbianone, Tribbiano, Tribbiano Forte, Ugni blanc, Bouan, Beau, Thalia, Trebbiano Romagnolo, Trebbiano Gallo and Trebbiano d'Abruzzo. 

Buona notte, sostenitori ₊˚⊹♡

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [7$]
Taste: 6/10

Spindrift Pink Lemonade

Every day lemonade is exactly the same... I was most excited for this one (the "pink" is cherry) but it still mostly tastes like lemon water. I don't think I could pick out cherry as being in this, even if it's supposedly more of the ingredients than lime or lemon juice is. I suppose it's a bit less tart. My conclusion about the spindriftonades is: not worth your time. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

McCormick Chili Powder

What spices are in chili powder? Glad you asked. Other than the titular pepper, there's (according to McC's website): garlic, cumin, oregano, and salt. And maybe other "spices" left to the reader's imagination. The Q&A person on their website actually did a wonderful job answering the many submitted ingredient Qs (including when someone asked if there was paprika in and they said (paraphrasing): "so. paprika is a chili pepper. and there are chili peppers in here"), thus I know there isn't mustard (yay), and also not mace, or annatto, or corn, or tomato, or gluten. I really do appreciate that they answered the Qs publicly, but like....why not just write the actual spice names on the ingredient list????? My kingdom for transparent ingredient lists. Maybe in the 2030s. 

Anyway, other than mustard, anise, and fenugreek, I'm not really allergic to any "spices", but cumin stresses me because of its past peanut-containing scandalos. So I was worried about this even though I've definitely eaten chili and its powder many times. Naturally, it didn't kill me. Had a darker flavor than spicy - despite not containing onion, it did present with some sort of oniony? garliccy? vibe. I don't know, really. Anyway, I ate this, and you can too. (unless you are allergic to pepper!) 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Spindrift Lemon Limeade

This is bottom tier spindrift to me (even if top tier colors). I guess 2% juice isn't quite enough % juice to do the job. Or lemon/lime isn't very stimulating. Either way, this is basically: I ordered water at a restaurant and it came with a lemon wedge and I squeezed it in the water. Uninspiring and most of the time I regret doing that and wish I just had water instead. So it goes. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 
Taste: 5/10 

Primio Taglio Goat Cheese

I managed to go a pretty long time without having to resort to this fancified store-brand goat cheese, but it was the only unflavored option at my grocery this time around. Luckily, it worked out just fine. Melts easy, tastes good, didn't kill me. A little goes a long way, so I hardly ever use the whole 4oz in time. Too pricy for what it is, though. 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [6$]
Taste: 6/10 

Birds Eye Mexican Street style Corn - Sauced

Another new frozen veg-type product! Granted, I haven't been to Mexico in a while, but I didn't expect this corn to be so Wet. There's a lot of sauce, and let's just say, it's not cotija. But I will admit that compared to yesterday's dill pickle potato, this corn is more successful in implementing its advertised flavor profile. It comes with stove and microwave cooking options, but since the front says "steams in bag" I went for the EZ microwave choice, and maybe that's why it's so soupy. Anyway, there are two types of corn in the ingredos: corn and fire-roasted corn (lol). It's true, about 1/8 of the kernels are browned, although you can't tell to taste it. There's also a good red pepper distribution; it's not too overwhelming but you definitely taste them. The sauce though. I dunno. It's not quite there. It's a parmesan/lime kinda deal, but (like the potatoes!!) I'm getting mainly a vinegar flavor, plus some wet microwave parm cheese sauce vibe. In the end you're getting a lot of corn, which I do like, and it is vaguely cheesy and vaguely limey, so the flavor profile is at least in the right ballpark. If they reduced the sauce by 50% and roasted the peppers and more of the corn, then maybe we'd be in re-buy territory. The reviews for this are very high, but I think there's some artificial inflation due to sampling programs (and I'm outta that game so -- this is THE HONEST TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FROZEN CORN!)

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3$]
Taste: 6/10 

Special Edition Green Giant Dill Pickle Seasoned Roated Potatoes

It's pickle season, boys! Usually the frozen veg section is immune to limited edition flavors and seasonals, but maybe the jolly green giant is looking to change that. As a veg-desirer, I am very open to the prospect, even if what we're starting with is dill (mid) potatoes (mid). I was so open to it that I paid full price for them, lest they be disappeared before my grocery return. Was it worth it? I mean, no. But that's no surprise. Unfortunately they were worse than even I anticipated - pretty dry, smelling a little like a bad chain restaurant (plasticy vinegary vinyl booth seat vibes), and not really even that pickle flavored (more like citric acid/vinegar/salt flavored). Good texture though, and they look pretty.

It also should be noted for the stats fiends that these have a ton of salt (1.4k mg), but a decent amount of fiber (6g).  

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [4$]
Taste: 5/10

Spindrift Strawberry Lemonade

I'm rebelling against August Pumpkin Time by getting a case of Spindrift Lemonades. They are extremely similar to the non-lemonade spindrifts, but that's OK because I mostly like them all. This one has lemon, lime, and strawberry. The overwhelming flavor is strawberry (and lemon water, but that's just, like, all of them). It is good but not great. Something to imbibe. And I recently learned that all their products are pasteurized, so any OAS fears should be allayed. I am staring down the barrel of the semester and feeling sweaty. But at least I will be staying hydrated!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Like Air Drizzled Rice Cakes - Cinnamon Bun

More cinnamon! More rice cake! Gotta get these reviews out while I still have time, after all. So, despite being a different flavor, this is really similar to the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor. Same overall buttery/sugary rice cake base. But there's a weird flavor note present in these that I didn't notice in the other ones - like a staple, or a cardboard box. Unpleasant. One other (positive) difference is the drizzle on these is some sort of cream cheese frosting deal instead of choco, and it tastes good and goes with cinnamon. There is also less of it, and it's more transparent, so the meltiness of it is less perturbing. I don't think the frosting is the source of the weird flavor. But then I don't know what is. Too bad. Maybe a bad batch?

One other random complaint: the front of the bag advertises that it is "80 calories for 24 pieces", but a serving is 34 pieces (=120calories). Just change your serving size, you freaks. God, I hate that kind of calorie-counter-pleasing ad copy.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Cinnamon Pebbles

Sadly, eating these just made me want fruity pebbles (or even cocoa pebbles). Maybe it's because I eat cinnamon oatmeal for brekkie every day, but this was very generic in taste. The pebbles are a pretty unique cereal form factor - even though they're basically concave maltless rice krispie - but cinnamon is just so overdone. It was fine and all, but not worth your time (and not as good as cinnamon toast crunch, I think). 

Still I almost want to defend it because of this absurd review (which serves to legitimize the insane proteinifcation (via legume) of all my favorite brands):

You are eating a children's novelty cereal, sir!! What is wrong with you! Go eat some spam and eggs! (Also, fact check: it's actually 12g sugar, which isn't health food but is like, pretty standard cereal sugar content.)

Anyway, Post doesn't innovate much, so good for them, and the box art is good. Maybe they'll get 'em next time.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Jelly Belly - Fall Fireside Collection

Believe it or not, I really am trying to cool it with the jelly (belly jelly) beans.  They no longer have "peanut free" on their products and they're clearly transitioning away from caring about allergies, therefore I don't want to support them with my extensive candy budget (and also, am a little scared). But it takes me a really long time to transition away from things, OK? In the meantime, we can celebrate this hot hot fall day with the new "fireside" collection. Ooh, aah. It's a pretty good mix of flavors for me:

Cappuccino: My true love, coffee. Not really a fall drink, but who cares, eh? Some of them have a bologna aftertaste, however. 7 

Sizzling Cinnamon: Very good. Is there cinnamon coffee? If there were, I daresay it also isn't fall-coded (unless paired with pumpkin, which thank god they didn't). 8 

Toasted Marshmallow: It tastes like marshmallow. Again, feels more winter than fall, but maybe this was meant for those buyers in the frozen north. 7 

Red Apple: It tastes like red apple. Good job, this is actually a fall flavor! 6

Buttered Popcorn: You know it, you hate it... there's gotta be one dud to make the others better. Popcorn is also not fall themed. Jelly Belly, you dorks. 5 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3$]
Taste: 7/10

Goetze's Caramel Creams

Rather than disappointing myself by reading political commentary about the college that I don't even work for anymore, I shall disappoint myself by eating this other weird flavor of caramel cream. The inside is dyed red! Why would they do this? The outside is just regular caramel flavor, I think, so that's an upgrade over the pumpkin spice ones. But the inside is a way-too-sweet artificial "apple" flavor, with a weird dense mushy powdered sugar texture to boot. Better than the pumpkin ones, but just because they're more similar to the OG, which might be the only actually good flavor. I'm gonna be too burned out on weird seasonal flavors to ever buy them again though (just kidding, I'm sure). Ay de mí. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

RITZ Toasted Chips Sweet Habanero

Whew! I'm glad I tried the cheddar ones first, because these are hot/spicy and therefore make my mouth mad numb. But it's just pepper! (I think!). The texture is the same as cheddar, but the taste is quite different. Like a nice pepper jack cheese, kind of. A good bite, and not too "sweet" (thank goodness; that sounds gross). Maybe they're just all broken (or the others were melded), but they also seem to be half the size of the cheddar ones. Again, I must reiterate that these are not chips: they are spicy tomato/pepper/cheese-flavored crackers. Tasty but a little scary. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4.50$]
Taste: 7/10 

Ritz Toasted Chips - Cheddar

These stress me out because there exist PB ritz. But hopefully not PB ritz chips, which is why they read as safe! They also stress me out because the package calls them chips. Are they chips? They are not. They are crackers. But they are weirdly thin and firm crackers. This flavor is like big, curvy cheese-its that have a little bit of Chicken In A Biscuit seasoning. That's autolyzed yeast extract for you, baby! Also garlic, onion, and potato. But while we're ingredient-reading, there is indeed cheddar cheese in there, so at least one thing on the package wasn't a lie. And I guess they're toasted. Unlike me. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4.50?]
Taste: 6/10 

Goetze's Caramel Creams - Pumpkin Pie

Is it pumpkin season already?? Zoinks. Well, I love the OG flavor of these, but pumpkin pie is (predictably) not as delicious. It is very accurately flavored, though! Just like the pumpkin milanos, but in caramel form. The cream bit is like cool whip, even. The overall texture is weirdly softer than the OG (pie-esque?) but maybe that's just because it's AUGUST and not FALL! Or maybe not, but it's less good, either way. The firm caramel is one of the best parts of Goetze. I still kinda feel like I won the lotto getting to try these, though, since they are very rare. Exciting! Limited! Plus there's a strong pumpkin spice aftertaste, which is pleasant enough since I can pretend I just sipped a PSL. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [3$]
Taste: 6/10

Starburst Sour

Yo..... these really are sour. I don't know if I like it, but shoutout to my mouth for enduring the exercise. Something new, at least, and a strong sensation that doesn't overlap with the "am I dying?" vibes of spicy food. So I guess I like it?? There are four flavors, and they don't overlap with the normie starbursts (except strawberry):

Sour Watermelon: The least sour, which made me question if watermelon is already sour (I don't think it is). A pretty straightforward watermelon candy flavor, like chewy sour jolly rancher. Not my favorite flavor, but not bad. 6 

Sour Green Apple: It's sour, it's green, and it's apple. No lies detected! Tastes pretty good, like those caramel apple tootsie pops (the green ones, not the brown ones). 7

Sour Blue Raspberry: Tastes blue. A very unique flavor. There's a guy on a podcast I listen to whose mouth literally waters whenever someone says "pickle", and maybe now I get it because eating this thing makes me drooly. But I don't really dream of salivation, even if it's good for my teeth. Tastes like a blue gusher, maybe. All gush, no rush. 6.

Sour Strawberry: This one is weird because there's a regular strawberry starburst, too. So it's like they took that and fucked it up with some sort of sour chemical injection. Disturbing! Also, it hurts my teeth. I might have hit the (dental) limit of sour candy. It tastes good if you can eliminate all memory of non-sour Starburst, and as a zen meditation expert level 1000, I can do so. The wrapper is a Lisa Frank neon pink. 7.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Like Air Drizzled Rice Cakes - Cookie Dough

These are blowing up on Nut Free Internet, and miracle of miracles, I just saw them at the grocery store in a special display! Quelle trendy. Turns out they started on Shark Tank, just like apparently every new trendy nut-free company did. I don't really get it, but I'm happy about it! Unfortunately they have kind of a similar vibe/flavor profile to, e.g,. Oat Haus and Undercover Snacks, right down to the random quinoa (not that I have anything against quinoa; much better than random pea flour). The new element here is Rice Cake. A full size rice cake is already nut free, but mostly boring and way too messy for a work snack. These, however, are tiny little baby cakes, which I do like. (Some of my best friends are tiny little baby cakes). A serving is 36! Because they're "Like Air"! So, that is fun. They do taste like a rice cake with extra butter and brown sugar, but the "drizzled" of it all, which is a dairy-free choco stripe on top, is a messy disaster. You simply cannot eat these in the summer without a sticky, muddy horrorshow. I hate this very much. It also says "with sprinkles!" on the package, but I assume the sprinkles are made out of whatever the choco drizzle is made out of, because there are no sprinkles to be found, only crackery cake pieces and sticky bag goo. 

Anyway, I sound pretty negative here, but that's only because I hate the sensory experience of sticky things on me more than most people [both readings]. The ingredients are good, the taste is decent for a dessert-snack (even though I'd really rather have savory snack or full dessert), and it won't be summer forever. I will sample their wares when they are available, until their inevitable shutdown or pivot to legume-containing! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3.50$]
Taste: 6/10 

La Croix Tangerine

Many of my family members are now fully into the La Croix life due to their own health problems/alcoholism/special diets etc, which is fun for me because they're like 15 years behind the trend... but really really into it. (Some genetic similarity when it comes to Obsession, perhaps.) And thus I get to try a new flavor when visiting! Bully for me! 

This one is pretty good. I don't know if I'd pinpoint it as tango (read: tan-jo) and not orange or mandarin, but definitely in that zone. And since I can't have fresh oranges anymore, one of my greatest joys, it's a nice reminder of the good times. It does make my throat kinda tight actually, but I think that's just seltzer? Anyway, tastes good. Seltzer still is a "meh" drink though. Luckily I'll be back in God's country soon (my house).

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Spindrift Concord Grape Soda

Move over, Wine & Food Pairing, it's time for Spindrift Soda and Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor Pairing. Almost as elegant and emotionally evocative!! I didn't think I'd like this because I don't really like grape soda, and I definitely don't like grape juice, but somehow this is the best of all worlds. (Or maybe I just miss wine). It's concord grape, so it's fully in that jam space, but it's also got a little apple juice to sweeten the deal, and it's in a can so that's fun. It has a flavor but isn't too sweet. It's a cute purple can. Orchestral music is in my top 3 genres. So, what's not to like really.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [1.50$ish, which is absurd] 
Taste: 7/10

hamburger HELPER - Breakfast Cheesy Hashbrowns

This is what we're doing with our one wild and precious world!!! In all seriousness, I grew up before Easy Mac was a thing, so when I first discovered it I was like "wow - this is a game changer", even though it was objectively bad food. This is kind of a similar vibe. I can recognize it's ghastly, and in 50 years I'm sure it won't be popular, but right now I'm like, "technology in the junk food arena has really advanced! Incredible"! Plus, this has soy-less sausage, which is super rare for any processed food (as you'll know if you take a look down any frozen food aisle). And it's cheapo, portable, shelf-stable, and has decent protein/fiber (240 calos). What it doesn't have is: vitamin, flavor, self-respect. It's just like me fr. I took it to visit my family because they never have any food I can eat, but they do have a microwave and a sink (praise be). 

First off, this made more food content then I expected. The cup is basically full. It looks really gross, like brownish yellow shreds that you dump a truly unholy amount of yellow powder with snausage lumps into and add water and cook. It's mainly potato bits, which are firm, and cheese goo, which is not very good but not actively offensive either. Gotta let it cool off for quite a while. Could use some veg, or egg, or something. I guess those "Just Crack an Egg" cups were really the pinnacle of the genre, except those require a fresh egg which is pretty hard to travel with. On the whole, this is pretty much what I expected. Not gross or chemical or scary or anything crazy, it just tastes like bad potato positively doused in the goop from a goop-easy mac (as opposed to a powder-easy mac). The snausage was negligible, almost like the vitamin water of snausage. Probably they just added it for the protein hounds out there (men). However, my conclusion was that I should have just eaten some pumpkin seeds instead. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 5/10  

Snyder's Rods (Pretzels)

I thought I knew rods, but I was wrong. These are so long. They are fully bag-length. When I saw a serving was 3 pretzels, I was like "wtf? are they straight butter?" but now I understand. Actually, weirdly enough they are partially made of Potato Flakes (just like in their gluten free pretzels), and you can tell upon chomping. They have a lighter and less barley-er texture than Utz pretzels. Frankly, the formula isn't quite for me, a true pretzel connoisseur (even if I still have more to learn about Rods). In a perfect world, Utz ingredients and Snyder shape would combine ! Although, I have no idea how I would take these to work. I'd have to snap them in half. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4.44]
Taste: 6/10 

Oat Haus Cookie Dough Granola

Hell yeah. That cookie looks good. I don't think I've had a non-packaged cookie since the last time I had roommates!! Living with other nut free humans was really peak cookie time. I love a cookie. Maybe I should get on the apps in pursuit of cookie cohabitation. Anyway, a good omen for the granola.

Granola was not as good as cookie picture. But, it tastes like I am 1000% about to die. Extremely, like, burnt sweet flavor, which is how PB tastes in my mind. I have never eaten it so this might be wrong, but it is the smell of danger and I can sniff it out miles away. I know other PB allergy-havers feel the same spidey sense. Anyway, I'm NOT about to die, at least not from this, because it is explicitly nut free (which is why I bought it). So, settle down, brain. Once we get past that, there is a strong coconut flavor (which makes sense because there's coconut oil in). Tastes more like a nice Chewy bar than a cookie, but I don't mind a nice Chewy bar. (How do you know what a Chewy bar tastes like, Kati? When I was a teen, Giant (Landover) made a nut free knockoff, and it was glorious.)) One user error is that the chocolate was completely melted so things were a little bit of a goopy mess when I opened this. Still tastes fine but I put the bag in the fridge for future summer granola grazing. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10  

Town House FlipSides Original Pretzel Crackers

This is a very salty pretzel. But on the flipside, it's a cracker. Hehe. I love a gimmick. It's like those 2-color Oreos but for savory snackers. They're definitely more cracker than pretzel (which is the tastier option). Something disappointing about these, though, is that the picture on the box made me think they'd be big, like a Pepperidge Farm cracker, but they are actually very small, probably half the size of the box pic. They're also pretty thin, so I really doubt they'd hold up to dipping. But they taste good all on their own: very salty pretzel side, very buttery cracker side. A serving is 5, which is like... hm... but I guess that's for the dippers. Would be good for school snackin'. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Perdue Chicken Thighs

Sorry vegetarians, the lacto-ovo life was killing me. The only reason I'm living the lacto-ovo life in the first place (apart from cost and fatigue, I guess) is that my grocery store has been out of non-store-brand chicken breasts for several months now. I was starting to think Perdue went out of business. But, they didn't, because they recently started stocking "Chicken Thighs". I love chicken thighs. As you can see, they have skin on, but I wasn't sure if they had bones in (they do) and there was absolutely no indication of this on the package. I should have used pragmatics to conclude that if it didn't say boneless, it must be boned (bone-in?), but grocery labelling is honestly worse at pragmatics than me, so IDK. A bone-in chicken thigh is a little bit like duck. It's fatty and delicious. (I just released that 2 of my favorite (live) birds are also 2 of my favorite meats, which is kind of weird, but that's #farmlife for you I guess). I cold roasted these with shallot and carrot and now I'm living the good life for the rest of the week. When I was a kid, we never had any bone-in or skin-on meat because of diet culture (or, charitably, health culture), and so I only had it on vacation, which is probably why it is so decadent to me now. I don't even eat the skin! But I could!! It's the little things.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [10.50$, but that's 4-8 meals, so, worth it]
Taste: 7/10 

Dunkin' Double Café Mocha Iced Espresso

Finally, I've completed the trifecta. And this one has the strongest "can" taste of all. What is that, anyway? Is it actually the metal of the can leeching in, or is it some preservative, or is it the type of coffee, or? It's definitely stronger in cancoffee than in bottlecoffee. It tastes so bad. Ugh. Other than the can taste, it's good, like chocolate milk but coffee. A good sweetness (very sweet) that goes well with the choco-pudding vibe. But the can! It's extreme! Boooo, canned coffee. Boo. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Oat Haus Cinnamon Graham Granola Butter

I actually had this in a single serve packet also (which indicated this is apparently the same as "original flavor"), but no such pictures are available and I already toothpaste-crumpled mine beyond belief. One of my biggest "learnings" (I really hate that term... I need to add it to a list somewhere) is that the packet form factor sucks shit. I just have wet wet oil here while the oat bit remains inaccessible to me, even with all manner of knife and scissor. Otherwise the flavor is not bad. It does taste like a cinnamon graham cookie. I put it on my beloved ginger snaps and it matched well. (I know people put nut butter on Oreos because of Survivor, so I figured it wasn't a crazy thing to do). A nice amount of (all)spice, cardamom, ginger, cinnamon. But I genuinely feel like I got 2 tsp of content out of the packet so it's all a bit uncertain. 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [1.70$]
Taste: 6/10? 

DiGiorno Supreme Speciale Wood Fired Style Crust Pizza

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with DiGiorno: they taste bad, but I'm not allergic to them (possibly they are the ONLY fullsize frozen pizza not to contain legumes at this point) and my grocery often has them on sale for 5$. So, here we are, off to sample another crust varietal. Wood-fired. How were the other ones fired? We may never know. This is about 1200 calos, aka 4 servings (or perhaps 2 servings if you're feeling peckish). It actually looked pretty, and fit perfectly on my large plates. Was hard to cut, because the texture of the crust was, hmm. Firm. Not fluffy or puffy like many frozen pizzas. But actually, I liked it. The crust tasted like hard flour, like a pizza at a bad non-pizza restaurant when you ill-advisedly order the pizza. And that's much better than usual DiGiorno. The roni was the same as ever (not my scene), the red peppers were most prominent of the peppers, which is funner than green, and the snausage was your classic Pizza Hut style snausage. (Full disclosure, it did make me a lil anxious-itchy but I think that's just fatty salty meat + tomato sauce and not a secret unlisted allergen). The sauce seemed less weirdly sweet than usual. I was pleasantly surprised by the whole endeavor. Good job, Digiorno. Maybe someday we can progress to a like/love relationship. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [5$]
Taste: 7/10 

Oat Haus Granola Butter - Vanilla

I admit I wasn't super impressed by the other flavors of Granola Butter, but I am willing to try a 1-serving packet of another flavor, sure. Even if it's the Pikachu of flavors. This is 170calos and has the texture of ketchup. That is, it's way less solid than the jar butters. I kneaded for so long. The most vigorous massage I ever gave in my life was wasted on this granola butter packet. I did all my toothpaste tube maneuvers and ended up with like, one spoonful of wet, shiny, tahini-looking glorp. It tasted like the other flavors, but less good because there was no chocolate. So like, a kinda vanilla, kinda coconut, kinda oat, sugary oily blorp. That sounds good actually, but it wasn't. It was just there. Trying to think what would be good to pair with this and I don't know. Chocolate? Cheesecake? Froyo? But I don't have any of these things. So. Glad it was just a single serving in there! Now we know!

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [1.50]
Taste: 5/10 

Pop Tarts - Frosted Vanilla Cupcake

Look at that lil Pikachop. My entire pokemon knowledge comes from cultural osmosis, linguistics papers, and Sonic video game crossovers, so that is to say, I'm not really the target audience for this branding. But I had a Target gift card to use up (I think the Target boycott is basically indefinite at this point) and thus I bought all the Target exclusive snacks I could find with it, which turned out to be mostly Pokemon branded for some reason. Much to my brand-curious disappointment, this is actually just a regular pop tart flavor (though I hadn't tried it before), only they changed the name from "confetti cupcake" to "vanilla cupcake" and put some pokemen on the box. (I think there was this Pikachop, a Charmando, an Ivysaur, a Squirtle implement, and one other little monster). Is Pikachu vanilla-coded? I guess he (they? she?) kinda is. 

ANYWAY, this is actually a pretty good pop tart flavor, which I don't say often. It tastes like very sweet store brand cake. Is that a good tasting food? Well, depends if you're comparing to other pop tarts (yes) or other foods (no). The sprinkles are extremely unevenly distributed, but they are fun too. The main con (apart from the dietary content) is that there is a still a weird kinda metallic/chemical aftertaste. Not crazy strong, and it might be the sprinkles, but it prevents me from fully thinking "yes, I like this." Still it stands out among PopTart because the inside and outside blend together very well, almost like the Toaster Donut I tried yesterday. Kati, what is your diet right now?? (For those dieticians in the audience, there are a lot more new flavors of packaged junk than there are new brands of veg and egg to review, OK?? Doesn't mean I'm not eating veg and egg! Mind your business!)

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10?