Hidden Valley Ranch Creamy Jalapeño Ranch

What happens when you combine the spicy tingle of hot peppers and cool creamy ranch flavor? All jalapeño breaks loose! - Hidden Valley Ranch 

Loyal readers will know I'm not a ranch fan. I've evolved from hater to not-a-fan-er, which combined with the cheeky slogan above was enough to get me trying 'er out. Supposedly this is a 4 on the 4-pepper scale of ranch heat, although I didn't know there was a ranch heat scale in the first place, so the endpoints are a bit nebulous. I had this with fries because I can't eat raw veg, and it was honestly not bad. There's a good amount of heat - I'd have given it the penultimate pepper, because I can eat it without drinking anything or feeling discomfort, but that's like, good. Crucially it is ALMOST enough heat to cover up the ranch flavor. Not quite, though - there is still ranch flavor (which is still gross, sorry). There is also a lot of MSG and its cousins, which adds to the vibe that it tastes like restaurant food. For me, someone who yearns for restaurant vibes but can't really eat at one anymore, that is a pro. But if you want something luxe and not "college town beach bar"esque, maybe look elsewhere. 

Overall
Cost: 3/10 [7$, though it's a huge bottle]
Taste: 6/10

Ray's No Sugar Added Original Barbecue Sauce

Nooooo I bought this without fully internalizing the ingredients, since I only skim for allergens (there are none, unless you count mustard seed) and not SUGAR SUBSTITUTES! Foolishly I assumed "no sugar added" just meant "we didn't put sugar in" and not "we put in some sucrose and allulose instead of cane sugar, enjoy your weird taste and tummy ache hehe". I do not enjoy. In their defense, it smells the same as the Sweet Baby version, and if you had diabetes or whatever, maybe it'd be a good choice. But I do not and I do not want artificial sweeteners in my life. The taste is basically normal at first, but there is a chemically aftertaste that does come across. Weird vibes, man. I may actually just buy another sauce rather than eating this one. Maybe I can give it to my mom! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste; 5/10

Heinz Hot 57 Sauce

This is a stupid name for a sauce. They should call it "Heinz Spicy Meatloaf Sauce" because it tastes exactly like the ketchup-based sauce my mom puts on her meatloaf, just with a lil spicy kick. And it's not bad! I don't really like meatloaf, but it's not down to the sauce. Plus this lasts forever, is relatively low-cal, and would be good with all varieties of beef, I think.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Kraft Buffalo Mayo

Hmm. I didn't think I was a mayo person OR a buffalo style person, but this was nice. I put it on chicken nuggets (and I don't consider myself a chicken nugget person) and it was a good, buffalo-wing flavor with also chicken there. Not too warm or creamy or gross, not particularly spicy or vinegary, but a little bit. I enjoyed it! Sadly the bottle is huge, it's like 43 100-cal servings worth, and it expires this month. The burden of buffalo. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Hidden Valley Ranch - Pickled Flavored Ranch

Well, this looks a lot like ranch and smells a lot like ranch. It tastes like pickle. Actually, it tastes like glorpy mayo pickles on a fast food burger. I never really liked this, but I do think it's better than ranch without pickle flavor. If you love burger pickles or the idea of "cream of pickle", you'll love this. I imagine it'd be decent on a sandwich, like a chicken sandwich or something. Big dill energy. I don't hate it -- better than pickles, better than ranch, but not better than, say, mustard or ketchup or thousand island.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 (1 point for novelty)

Heinz Jalapeño Tomato Ketchup

This is fine and good. The label is cute. I definitely do taste the jalepeno, plus a little salt/citrus vibe. It reminds me of the coating on jalepeno chips, mixed with ketchup. I think regular ketchup might be better, but maybe it depends what you put it on. Anyway, it's fine.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

French's Spicy Brown Mustard

Ah, I'm so scared I have a mustard allergy now since a dijon made me feel weird and lightheaded. Yellow mustard seems OK, but this spicy brown is in the grey area. I'm scared to eat it, but at the same time, I've had this a million times and not died. It tastes decent, weirdly smooth though.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Hidden Valley Ranch Secret Sauce - Cajun

I really don't like ranch, especially as a dipping sauce, so my biggest hope was that this would taste nothing like ranch. It does have a promising orangey color, and it smells a lil spicy. It also has tamarind in it, which is a terrifying looking legume, but apparently that's also in Sweet Baby Ray's so hopefully it is fine. The taste fortunately does not evoke ranch, although it is very creamy/eggy/milky/"warm". A bit like a spicy mayo. It's OK, looks pretty, and goes well with fries. It would go even better on some fried chicken for sure. I don't think I'd seek this out -- it's still cheese or ketchup (not both!!) for me, but it's decent and I'll use the rest of the bottle probably.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Hellman's Garlic Aioli

Like many mayo-based sauces, this is quite fatty. It also only lasts 1 month after buying, unless I had very bad luck with expiry dates. So I don't love the vibe here (although the bottle is cute). I also don't love mayo because I hardly ever have sandwiches at home so IDK what to do with stuff like this. I'm trying to get into fries, but even so. This tasted like a creamy garlic spread, but not in a way that I'd want to eat it on its own, and I actually have no idea what it'd be good for. On fries, I didn't love it, and definitely prefer ketchup. Maybe with sweet potato fries it would be tastier. Still, this is a 'no thanks' from me (but no nuts ey).

Overall
Cost: 4/10
Taste: 5/10

Hellman's Light Mayonnaise

Well, it's no Miracle Whip, but I do like the squeezy bottle. I thought this was perfectly serviceable on a sandwich if you want to add some generic moisture. Works for sweet bologna, anyway.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Daisy Sour Cream (in a tube)

I'm not a big sour cream fan -- I never put it on tacos or use it when it's given to me on the side. But I put it on my at-home nachos and it was quite good. A good source of Wetness I guess. Also, the tube is very fun. Daisy is winning me over with their little song and their little tube.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Arby's Horsey Sauce

My Arby's love has been severely dampened ever since they added "fresh baked" Reese's cookies to their stores and so I can't go there anymore. Freakin' Arby's, nuts aren't meat! So even as these at-home products are still safe, I'm less positively inclined toward them. Therefore, this is just fine. It's like a less intense and sweeter version of horseradish sauce. Less intense is good, sweeter isn't really good. A mixed bag. I should try it on fries instead of beef sometime maybe.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Arby's Sauce

Yes! Yes! I'm what you might call an Arby's Superfan. They're like, the Dunkin of beef. And my favorite Arby's sauce is, uhhh, Arby's sauce. It's a nice ketchup-bbq hybrid. Goes with sandwiches and also sides. A beautiful thing, and not cream based so it doesn't even make you feel physically ill. Therefore, this condiment bottle is great for me, and certainly more convenient than hording a bunch of little packets. It tastes just like the real thing, but I can store it in my fridge without looking like a pervert! God bless, Arby's.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4$]
Taste: 8/10

Spring Tree Maple Syrup

People can get very precious about ~pure maple syrup~, but in their defense, this is pretty good stuff. I grew up with the fake corn syrup, but I do prefer this in the end. A nice pure syrup taste, not as strong as some are, but nice, classy, and sweet. Not too sticky on the bottle yet either, thank goodness.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Inglehoffer Cream Style Horseradish

I was following a recipe that called for "prepared horseradish", and this was the only potential candidate at my store. I still don't know if it was quite what was intended, but it certainly is horseradish and it certainly is prepared. This stuff is strong. It did great in the recipe (a sour-cream horsey sauce) but on its own is too intense to use as a condiment, IMO. (Maybe on a very thick sandwich?). Tastes of horseradish. Big tingles. Luckily, it keeps for a while, so maybe I'll get a chance to use it as a mixer again in the future!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Light Miracle Whip

This Whip is a light miracle. Honestly, mayo is so gross compared to Miracle Whip, and I don't understand the haters. The only valid complaint about miracle whip is that it's really bad for you. Probably like 100cals per tablespoon. So, in comes this bad boy, at 20cals per spoon. Is it a little bit less delicious? Yes. But is it infinitely better than mayo and perfect for mixing, salads, and sandwiches? You bet your sweet bippy!

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

J.L. Kraft Garlic Aioli

The fact that Kraft gets initials when it wants to be fancy is very funny to me. I would like some J.L. Kraft Singles please. One J.L. Kraft Easy Mac to go please. Absurd!

I got this for a recipe. It's pretty niche in my diet, unfortunately, since I don't have any fries on hand (or like, bread). It tastes, basically, like mayo with a strong garlic flavor. Very strong garlic flavor! I'm sure there are places where this is good. Egg salad, as it happens, is not one of those places. I suspect a roast beef or turkey sandwich could do with it.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Grey Poupon Mustard - Country Dijon

This is fancy stuff! A mustard in a jar, well I never. Truly, I never, until I had this. It ultimately tastes like mustard. More brown than yellow, with textural firm mustard seeds and a sweeter taste rather than vinegary. I do like it, and it makes me feel posh, but I'm not sure that it is superior to your plastic squeezy French's spicy brown, either.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Miracle Whip

I know there's some Miracle Whip haters out there. Heck, I'm a mild mayo-hater myself. But I grew up with miracle whip (in moderation) and so I really like it where it goes. Here's where it goes: egg salad, deviled eggs, cold turkey sandwiches, sweet bologna sandwiches. I think that's about it. Maybe macaroni or potato salad, but I rarely make those things myself. Anyway, egg salad for me is just a scoop of miracle whip and 2 eggs, and it's great. What else could you want? Of course it's not super healthy, but it adds the perfect flavor to these limited foods. The little zest is so much better than just the tasteless oil blorp that is mayonnaise. I haven't gotten a turkey sub for takeout in a while, but when I do, if they have miracle whip available I like it so much more. For now, the at-home egg-salad has been a great treat for me, since I have tortillas and have gotten eggs in the mail. Praise be to the Miracle whip!

Overall

Cost: 6/10

Taste: 8/10

La Victoria Salsa Brava (Hot)

I needed a little flavor in my egg + tortilla "burritos", and this was just the thing! I really wanted a safe, non-allergy-y hot sauce that tasted great and I got one here, which was super lucky because I just picked a random one on Amazon. This is hot, but not in a painful or vinegar-y way (although I swallowed a little down the wrong tube and that was hell, but a rare incident hopefully). It tastes just like tomato, hot pepper, and breakfast burrito. Awesome stuff.

Overall

Cost: 7/10 (2.50$ish)

Taste: 8/10