Ritz Toasted Chips - Cheddar

These stress me out because there exist PB ritz. But hopefully not PB ritz chips, which is why they read as safe! They also stress me out because the package calls them chips. Are they chips? They are not. They are crackers. But they are weirdly thin and firm crackers. This flavor is like big, curvy cheese-its that have a little bit of Chicken In A Biscuit seasoning. That's autolyzed yeast extract for you, baby! Also garlic, onion, and potato. But while we're ingredient-reading, there is indeed cheddar cheese in there, so at least one thing on the package wasn't a lie. And I guess they're toasted. Unlike me. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [4.50?]
Taste: 6/10 

Goetze's Caramel Creams - Pumpkin Pie

Is it pumpkin season already?? Zoinks. Well, I love the OG flavor of these, but pumpkin pie is (predictably) not as delicious. It is very accurately flavored, though! Just like the pumpkin milanos, but in caramel form. The cream bit is like cool whip, even. The overall texture is weirdly softer than the OG (pie-esque?) but maybe that's just because it's AUGUST and not FALL! Or maybe not, but it's less good, either way. The firm caramel is one of the best parts of Goetze. I still kinda feel like I won the lotto getting to try these, though, since they are very rare. Exciting! Limited! Plus there's a strong pumpkin spice aftertaste, which is pleasant enough since I can pretend I just sipped a PSL. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [3$]
Taste: 6/10

Starburst Sour

Yo..... these really are sour. I don't know if I like it, but shoutout to my mouth for enduring the exercise. Something new, at least, and a strong sensation that doesn't overlap with the "am I dying?" vibes of spicy food. So I guess I like it?? There are four flavors, and they don't overlap with the normie starbursts (except strawberry):

Sour Watermelon: The least sour, which made me question if watermelon is already sour (I don't think it is). A pretty straightforward watermelon candy flavor, like chewy sour jolly rancher. Not my favorite flavor, but not bad. 6 

Sour Green Apple: It's sour, it's green, and it's apple. No lies detected! Tastes pretty good, like those caramel apple tootsie pops (the green ones, not the brown ones). 7

Sour Blue Raspberry: Tastes blue. A very unique flavor. There's a guy on a podcast I listen to whose mouth literally waters whenever someone says "pickle", and maybe now I get it because eating this thing makes me drooly. But I don't really dream of salivation, even if it's good for my teeth. Tastes like a blue gusher, maybe. All gush, no rush. 6.

Sour Strawberry: This one is weird because there's a regular strawberry starburst, too. So it's like they took that and fucked it up with some sort of sour chemical injection. Disturbing! Also, it hurts my teeth. I might have hit the (dental) limit of sour candy. It tastes good if you can eliminate all memory of non-sour Starburst, and as a zen meditation expert level 1000, I can do so. The wrapper is a Lisa Frank neon pink. 7.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Like Air Drizzled Rice Cakes - Cookie Dough

These are blowing up on Nut Free Internet, and miracle of miracles, I just saw them at the grocery store in a special display! Quelle trendy. Turns out they started on Shark Tank, just like apparently every new trendy nut-free company did. I don't really get it, but I'm happy about it! Unfortunately they have kind of a similar vibe/flavor profile to, e.g,. Oat Haus and Undercover Snacks, right down to the random quinoa (not that I have anything against quinoa; much better than random pea flour). The new element here is Rice Cake. A full size rice cake is already nut free, but mostly boring and way too messy for a work snack. These, however, are tiny little baby cakes, which I do like. (Some of my best friends are tiny little baby cakes). A serving is 36! Because they're "Like Air"! So, that is fun. They do taste like a rice cake with extra butter and brown sugar, but the "drizzled" of it all, which is a dairy-free choco stripe on top, is a messy disaster. You simply cannot eat these in the summer without a sticky, muddy horrorshow. I hate this very much. It also says "with sprinkles!" on the package, but I assume the sprinkles are made out of whatever the choco drizzle is made out of, because there are no sprinkles to be found, only crackery cake pieces and sticky bag goo. 

Anyway, I sound pretty negative here, but that's only because I hate the sensory experience of sticky things on me more than most people [both readings]. The ingredients are good, the taste is decent for a dessert-snack (even though I'd really rather have savory snack or full dessert), and it won't be summer forever. I will sample their wares when they are available, until their inevitable shutdown or pivot to legume-containing! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3.50$]
Taste: 6/10 

La Croix Tangerine

Many of my family members are now fully into the La Croix life due to their own health problems/alcoholism/special diets etc, which is fun for me because they're like 15 years behind the trend... but really really into it. (Some genetic similarity when it comes to Obsession, perhaps.) And thus I get to try a new flavor when visiting! Bully for me! 

This one is pretty good. I don't know if I'd pinpoint it as tango (read: tan-jo) and not orange or mandarin, but definitely in that zone. And since I can't have fresh oranges anymore, one of my greatest joys, it's a nice reminder of the good times. It does make my throat kinda tight actually, but I think that's just seltzer? Anyway, tastes good. Seltzer still is a "meh" drink though. Luckily I'll be back in God's country soon (my house).

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Spindrift Concord Grape Soda

Move over, Wine & Food Pairing, it's time for Spindrift Soda and Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor Pairing. Almost as elegant and emotionally evocative!! I didn't think I'd like this because I don't really like grape soda, and I definitely don't like grape juice, but somehow this is the best of all worlds. (Or maybe I just miss wine). It's concord grape, so it's fully in that jam space, but it's also got a little apple juice to sweeten the deal, and it's in a can so that's fun. It has a flavor but isn't too sweet. It's a cute purple can. Orchestral music is in my top 3 genres. So, what's not to like really.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [1.50$ish, which is absurd] 
Taste: 7/10

hamburger HELPER - Breakfast Cheesy Hashbrowns

This is what we're doing with our one wild and precious world!!! In all seriousness, I grew up before Easy Mac was a thing, so when I first discovered it I was like "wow - this is a game changer", even though it was objectively bad food. This is kind of a similar vibe. I can recognize it's ghastly, and in 50 years I'm sure it won't be popular, but right now I'm like, "technology in the junk food arena has really advanced! Incredible"! Plus, this has soy-less sausage, which is super rare for any processed food (as you'll know if you take a look down any frozen food aisle). And it's cheapo, portable, shelf-stable, and has decent protein/fiber (240 calos). What it doesn't have is: vitamin, flavor, self-respect. It's just like me fr. I took it to visit my family because they never have any food I can eat, but they do have a microwave and a sink (praise be). 

First off, this made more food content then I expected. The cup is basically full. It looks really gross, like brownish yellow shreds that you dump a truly unholy amount of yellow powder with snausage lumps into and add water and cook. It's mainly potato bits, which are firm, and cheese goo, which is not very good but not actively offensive either. Gotta let it cool off for quite a while. Could use some veg, or egg, or something. I guess those "Just Crack an Egg" cups were really the pinnacle of the genre, except those require a fresh egg which is pretty hard to travel with. On the whole, this is pretty much what I expected. Not gross or chemical or scary or anything crazy, it just tastes like bad potato positively doused in the goop from a goop-easy mac (as opposed to a powder-easy mac). The snausage was negligible, almost like the vitamin water of snausage. Probably they just added it for the protein hounds out there (men). However, my conclusion was that I should have just eaten some pumpkin seeds instead. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 5/10