utz Sourdough Hards

I have a disease. Well, I have lots of diseases, but one of them is apparently buying stuff that is hard to chew despite hating things that are hard to chew. I have TMJ now! What am I doing! But truly, who could resist "Hards"? What branding. It's a thing of beauty. Also, these pretzels are massive, which is funny, but they're also like teeny versions of soft pretzels, which is doubly funny. A serving size is one pretzel. The taste is 'pretzel'. I would prefer the extra dark flavor profile, but I guess there's only so many pretzel variations utz can handle. As with all the utzes, these are proudly made in a nut-free facility and have no ingredients about which to fret. Many of them are broken in the bag, which is really something because they are indeed extremely hard. The reviews for these are also so wholesome and enchanting. The people love Hards! 

Something else stupid about me is that I absolutely hate that "my wets" meme about noodles etc, and I don't know why I hate that so much but I like these (and other silly nominalized adjective names). I hope it's not that I find companies loveable and people hateable, because that's backwards thinking. Maybe the first noticed wets enjoyers (SHUDDER) are just people I particularly disliked, and I've retained that info deep down. I hope so. Anyway, this has been your moment of irrational language prejudice; sleep well.

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2.50]
Taste: 6/10

Sour Patch Kids Sour Hearts

This is good. The rare early on-sale Valentine's candy. Sour little black hearts! They are more sour than regular sour patch kids and have a nice flavor (indeed, it is like blue raspberry but less sweet and more sour. good.). The taste is evocative of a simpler time, like pool food or something. If I were in my human interaction era, I'd be giving these to all my lovers. As it stands I am happy to have them for myself.

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [1$]
Taste: 7/10

Welch's Fruitfuls - Strawberry

These are not very good. I like fruit snacks, but even so. It fills no niche, being neither filling (50 cals?!) nor healthy (not an excellent source of vitamin C (23mg), despite the lying box) nor delicious. The texture is not bad -- slimy, pliable, bendy, not too sticky. The smell is intriguing (weed-gummy-esque). The taste is "strawberry, but not sweet strawberry, but not really sour strawberry, almost on-the-verge-of-bitter strawberry". Actually, saying this has made me appreciate it a bit more. I guess it has some nuance. But it's not sweet and delicious, which is what I really want. I should buy more cookies.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea (Decaffeinated)

Often, due to my lifestyle, someone comes up to me and says something totally prescriptive and horrible and expects me to not only agree, but be proud of them. That is what both ends of decaf tea drinking feels like. However, it's not all bad. First of all, it's a hot drink. And of the horrible decaf teas, this one has a nice texture (thick, not too gritty) and a cute little bubbling effect (even when the water is most assuredly "hot enough", for any British tea evangelists out there). I'm not Irish and it's not breakfast, but I sure as shoot am decaffeinated. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Signature Select Sliced White Mushrooms

"Review the mushrooms," says the devil on my shoulder. "Nothing wrong with reviewing Store Brand Mushrooms!" Sure, sure. Why not. I actually learned this week that the difference between mushroom options (white/button vs brown/bella) is a very small age difference. Like, days. Like 3 days. What?! So my previous method of "ignore mushroom specification, just buy whatever's at the store" feels way more legitimate with this knowledge. I do miss the other, lovelier mushroom types, but Acme has what Acme has, and that's probably for the best, fermentation-wise.

These are good. Sliced already, though not washed of course (I don't think any fresh mushrooms come washed?) and I always worry about it more than maybe I should. These aren't particularly dirt-caked anyway, not like the local ones that are probably from Ireland or something (even though I live 20 min from the Mushroom Capital of the World). Relatedly, on certain humid mornings the air by me smells like mushroom farms, and everyone around here hates it, but I love it. It's so comforting, like the noise of a train or cuddling up in a warm blanket. Maybe if they grew up smelling roasted peanuts and horse manure like I did, they'd put some respect on Mushroom Farm Smell. Anyway, I got a little off track. Mushrooms taste nice, especially when cooked in nice things like shallot and garlic and meat and oil and pepper and etc. I haven't had pizza in decades (months? who knows) but mushrooms are also my favorite pizza topping. All hail mushroom. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

I probably can resist a new Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavor, because I've tried a lot of them by now and they're never as good as regular cinnamon toast crunch. But if we don't try new things, our fear & avoidance of new things will grow ever stronger, and it's pretty easy to try new Cinnamon Toast Crunches, so.

These smell very much like a sugar cookie. Impressive work by the GM smell scientists. They taste like, hmm. Something familiar that I can't put my finger on. (Not a sugar cookie). I'll circle back if it comes to me later. The taste is OK... like a vanilla and less-cinnamony cinnamon toast crunch. Nothing unpleasant here, but it's a little lacklustre. Even the leftover milk just tastes like regular milk (no thank you). One of the better CTC spinoffs, but still inferior to the OG. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Lemon White Chocolate Milano

You know I can't resist a new subtype of Milano™. Even though I'm kind of out on the whole brain diet enterprise, I'm still wary of the big 3 (alc ~ choco ~ agéd cheesers), so a white-choco (therefore non-choco) Milano line is coming at a good time for me to go hard. I also like white chocolate more anyway because I am a sicko (or a child at heart). I gotta say, these aren't as good as regular Milanos, though. All the rave reviews seem to be coming from people who've never had a lemon cookie before and are excited by the novelty (which, no shade to them, that's also happened to me before).  Here are my main complaints:

- Makes my mouth itchy (well, OK, may be a personal problem, but I dunno what's going on there and I sure don't care for it).

- The choco inside doesn't really stick to the cookie outside, so you get less of a cohesive whole than in other "sandwich" cookies.

- The overwhelming flavor note is sweet lemon, which is fine and good (sugar-lemon tastes nice), but because it's so one-note, that means the texture is more noticeable, and the texture is less delightful than their Ojai lemon cookies, which were already not a top-tier cookie.

- There's a weird, bad (metallic? not sure how to describe) undernote, probably in the white chocolate. May be a fluke, since I've had other white chocolates that I noticed a bad flavor in which later redeemed themselves in other batches, but this is all I have to go on. I guess I'll try the other flavors, but probably not this one again.

So there you have it. Not as good as it could be, but I like that it exists. There should be more white chocolate sweets available to me! More! 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [5$!!]
Taste: 6/10