Twizzlers trees

I've really trained the people in my life well, because two different people got me these as a thank-you gift. It's an excellent pick because they are:

- Allergen free!
- Brain-diet approved!
- Seasonal and new!
- Small and a cute shape hehe!
- A sweet snack, my favorite kind!

Luckily they won't read this blog though, because: they aren't that good taste-wise. But they aren't offensive, and the shape IS cute. It's just that they look like plastic and taste a little bit like plastic too. I guess this is generally just what red vines and twizzlers taste like. It's been a while since I've had them so I forgot! I have a very fond memory of eating cherry nibs in a blanket fort at age 7 or so, but no fond twizzlers memories since then, only the memory of the memory. (And now I guess the fond memory of being known! aw!)

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10

Lucerne 2% Milk

We recently reviewed Whole Milk, so I started to feel bad for this little guy. 2% milk is the milk I would be, if I were a milk. Not skim, not whole, but a stupid third thing. The best of both worlds.... or the worst? This is the one I get most often lately, simply because it tends to have the latest expiration date. I don't know if that's inherent to the milk type (seems very odd, if so), but I have grown to find it comforting. In a coffee (sob), in a cereal, in a recipe, this is a good milk to use. Thanks, milk!

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [2$ish]
Taste: 6/10

Haribo Sweet & Sour Reindeer

Ho ho Haribo! I guess technically it's Thanksgiving, but whatever. This year all the hols are one big mushy blob for me. These are good Haribo; I like the flavors and the mix of sweet and sour, but they're so so firm! Why so firm!? Is it just because they're thick? Are they secretly old even though they're obviously not because it's November? I used to think I outgrew my Haribo rage but I didn't, I just had softer ones. The eternal struggle. Anyway. Here's the rundown.

Lemon: This one is sour! Real sour compared to the others. Also skinnier and firmer. It's solid in every sense. This is also the one I had the most of, which is just fine. 6/10

Sweet Apple: This one is sweet! At first I didn't know if it was sweet or sour from tasting it. So I do like it. Nice apple vibes. 7/10

Sour Orange: Sour orange is a rare combo. This is weirdly softer than the others, but still not that soft. I do like it, but it's more acidic orange than sour orange. 6/10

Sweet Cherry: Not really sweet OR sour. Pleasant enough though. A typical Haribo. I like the cherry shaped ones way more, but maybe that's the FIRMNESS... 6/10

Sour Strawberry: Tastes like nothing. Neither sour no -- wait, I guess there'a  lil strawberry flavor, which I don't like. Meh. 5/10

Blueberry: I only got one of these! It was sweet and fine. Mild. 6/10

Also, live-blogging update, I just heard an Ava Max(?) song that samples Alphaville's Forever Young and it's like I'm living in a cycle of Forever Young releases every 5 years that get steadily worse but still make me weep. That song was always on in the clubs!! Now those clubs don't exist!! and if they did I wouldn't go anyway!! Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate ;___; 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Ocean Spray Cranberries

I actually don't think I'd ever made cranberry sauce before! I rectified that today, since I like cranberries and they are also safe in all ways. It was fun and very easy. Happy Thanksgiving to me! (And you, I guess). These were particularly fun to cook with because they pop like popcorn. Is that why people string them on trees with popcorn? Probably not. My Christmas anthropology needs work. The only downside to these is that they aren't washed and I was a little lax in rinsing them and therefore nervous that I missed some major dirt (but I don't think I did). A nice bitterness but also some antioxidants. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10

2016 Chateau Freyneau Cuvee Traditionnelle Bordeaux

Hold the phone, I found another backlogged wine review in my notes. Feels a bit like I'm doing Swedish death cleaning here, but worry not, I plan to produce many more non-wine reviews in my future. Here's the Traditionnelle dish:

This is a solid red! Warming notes, with a good body, but not too much body.

Wouldn't want to have too much body, would we, former wine superfans!? Honestly, thinking back on consuming this feels like it was another lifetime. I partied hard from age 14-18, then was a shy mostly-sober studo from 18-22, then partied hard from 22-26, then was a shy mostly-sober adult from 26-30, then partied hard from 30-34, then pondered my own existence and wondered if I'd ever party again, even though the evidence clearly indicates that I will, even if it's vis a vis medical ketamine and not wine or whatever. Or whatever!! Anyway, I lived a good life, and this wine was part of it.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10
Reflections: 4/10

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies

Some of my best friends are caramel apple sugar babies. Anyway, a lot of the things I can eat it turns out I don't want to eat. Am I a picky eater, or are many things simply unpleasant? My self-image says the latter, but I'm honestly not sure. Stay tuned for more data, I guess. (In one of my current favorite pulpy gay TV shows, a character says "even a bad day brings good data", and that really resonated with me ♡)

So, as I'm sure you know, Tootsie is great for allergy stuff. These are also chocolate free, which is good because Tootsie chocolate is bad. However, their apple candy coating, and dare I say, their caramel? Also bad. The soft texture is good. Apple flavoring is fine (although kinda heavy). Is there any caramel flavor? Not really. Do these turn your mouth a murky green color? They do indeed. Will I buy them again? If I remember to check my archive of reviews first, the answer is no. (No, future me! No!)

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Swanson Vegetable Broth

I was a little nervous to try this, since you never know about "natural flavors" re: legumes, especially in a veggie broth, but it caused me no itchiness. The taste was also suitable! Good for your soups and stews. These Swanson broths are really solid, allergy-wise. I hope they never add rogue legumes in there. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

2022 Montepalacio Tempranillo

I opened this wine on April 19 (2024) and am just getting around to reviewing it now. Whew. I think it may be last wine I ever review! I like wine and don't even know for sure if it triggers migraines or anything (I'm certainly suffering much more in my no-wine life than I was in my wine life), but having not had any for many months, I don't miss it as much as I thought I might. That said, when I see other people drinking on TV I get a little bit teary-eyed. Further reinforcing my allergy-induced-empathy sobriety-around-recovering-alcoholics position!! OK, we're getting a bit off track here. My tasting notes were as follows:

Dark red. Grippy! High acid! "Mature", let's say. Good but hard to avoid reflux.

Sounds pretty solid, right? I don't miss reflux though. Silver linings.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Junior Caramels

Yooo. Tootsie is a great allergy-friendly company. I like Junior Mints. I like caramels. But if these are new and improved, I tremble at the thought of how they used to be. Basically, they taste nothing like caramel or chocolate. The overwhelming flavor note for me is artificial coconut flavor, which makes no sense because these have no artificial flavors and no coconut ingredients. Maybe the palm oil?? I really don't know, but it's not at all what I hoped for. The texture is fine though, very soft and chewable.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 4/10

Signature Select Fuji Apples

Apples in a bag... apples in a bag.... We shall come rejoicing, apples in a bag...

I always mix up Fuji and Fiji. I blame Fiji water (Fuji water?!). These are good apples and very cost effective. They are small and mostly not moldy. Of course, they are also coated in icky resin from bug backsides. So it goes. They taste like a nice sweet apple. Crisp-ish, but a little too on the mealy side for my preference. 

Overall
Cost: 8/10
Taste: 6/10

Sunny Fruit Organic Tart Cherries

These are a top tier dried fruit. Nut free, hooray, brain diet approved, huzzah, but also they taste like a slightly sweeter and plumper cranberry. This is good. Sadly the package is pretty sparse, there's like 8 small fruits in there, but they are still enjoyable. They taste identical to the ones in the Cocoa Puffs Go Box, for the superfans out there. A little less sweet than most of their other dried fruit offerings, even though they're not particularly healthy.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Lucerne Whole Milk

Yes, I'm reviewing milk. The alternative is writing an emotionally charged essay about what the deal is with a support group I'm in where many people are saying that the meds we're on have made them... gay. I have many thoughts on that topic. But I also have many more Whole-some thoughts on milk. Here are some.

1. It expires faster than the printed date. In fact, it even says use within 7 days of opening. But I always misjudge my milk intake. Usually I don't totally finish a (half gallon) bottle in time, but sometimes I'm out in two days and suffer until my next grocery trip. I'm also very sensitive to old milk, so I don't want to push it.

2. I'm lactose intolerant (playing to type, I know) and I always thought the higher milkfats were more likely to trouble me. So, I typically always get skim. But for cooking, I've been getting higher ones occasionally, and I now think my theory is total bunk. I know I could, like, research this, but I do enough research so I'm taking a more experimental approach. Anyway, this week is Whole.

3. I don't ever drink milk as a drink (see 2) but I do have it in cereal. And breaking news alert the media: whole milk tastes, like, a lot better. This is practically a dessert. Maybe I should change my latte lifestyle too!! (Just kidding, skim lattes 4 life).

4. Lucerne is the only brand at my store. It is better (i.e. less watery and goes bad slower) than your gas station and 7-11 milks, which I am no stranger to, unfortunately. But it is worse than my childhood Swiss Miss, which is the most luxe milk I've experienced. No organic milks (Horizon etc) because they all have a nut allergy warning.

That'll do. My essay urges are somewhat abated. Praise milk!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Wishbone Balsamic Vinaigrette

I've always been a subpar speller (relative to my other word-based knowledge anyway), but it's gotten much worse since my 2024 Brain Ailment, and the spelling of Vinaigrette has got me so confounded right now. I took a french class once! Why does it look so weird?! My god. So that's one reason to not get this dressing again. I don't want to be irrationally spiralling over spelling during my salad course. (Google says that's not how you spell "spiralling", but I think I disagree on solid analogical grounds). 

Other, more relevant dressing thoughts? I guess. I have never really used vinaigrettes(!?) on salads before, so having this now is making me think "am I eating an Italian hoagie over here?!" which I guess is OK, because I like an Italian hoagie, but I also always think they put way too much oil and vinegar on. I like moist foods but I do not like wet foods. And this dressing is very wet. Also my lettuce was a little wet, though, because I overwashed it because of my E.Coli anxieties (which are at this stage somewhat irrational, but are soon to be a bit more rational, probably, ha ha), leaving little time for drying. So it's not totally the dressing's fault that I don't love it, but the net result is that I don't love it. Despite vigorous shaking, I got a lot more oil than vinegar, and I would prefer the opposite, also (see above re: moist > wet). I'm about to get an MRI and if I vom and/or pee in there (historically probable), I am going to blame this dressing. So much depends upon a red vinaigrette, etc.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

DeCecco Fettuccine

This sure is a pasta. Actually I think DeCecco is a little tastier than DeLallo, but maybe it's just because I haven't had it in a while. It's also more expensive, but I needed a fettuccine in a time-sensitive way, so I got old faithful over here. It was nice. Cooked in the time they say it cooks, tasted like a nice egg noodle, and was filling yet delightful. Maybe a little too heavy for a daily pasta shape, but a nice treat. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Green Giant Riced Veggies - Cauliflower & Broccoli

This is no 'risotto' flavor riced veggie, but it's a little milder than the pure brocco one, so it's pleasant. Good with fresh garlic. Moderately filling, generally healthful, not very economical but a nice treat in the veggie sphere. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3.33$ish]
Taste: 6/10

Utz Sourdough Specials - Extra Dark

Faced with my own inadequacies, I turn to pretzels. These are good. First of all, I used to have a tiny roommate named Kate who would play trivia with me under the name "Pretzealous". We sucked at trivia (too many sports and porn star questions) but were very good at eating the soft pretzels. These taste a bit like that, only not soft. A strong barley vibe, which at first scared me (the nuttiness, I guess) but I soon grew to enjoy. These are filling and substantial and crunchy. Great for dipping and pairing. A lot in the bag. These are better than the previous pretzel (logs?). A good discovery. Actually, I might have already discovered these 11 years ago and liked them then too, but the bag looks different now so whatever, I'll keep this one up. I hope lil Kate is doing well. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Kellogg's Frosted Flakes - Pumpkin Spice

Another entry in the pumpkindex! This excites me as all seasoning offerings do, but pumpkin spice is really not a top-tier flavor (unlike, say, peppermint). Therefore these are not a top-tier frosted flake. Not that a peppermint frosted flake would be very good, but then again...maybe? These do have a weird orange color, pumpkin spice odor, and typical flake texture. The taste is fine. It is along the lines of what you'd expect -- a bready, seasoned, vaguely pumpkiny potpourri that is more noticeable in the offmilk than in the cereal itself. It is not something I'd want to eat a lot of, and it's not even something I desire to eat a little of, but it is an acceptable thing to eat and the box is a dainty size so I'm not despairing my future 3-4 bowls.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Holiday Dots

Although I am not a born Christmas celebrator, I like the gimmick of holiday things (and am open to foods related to winter holidays for other religious traditions also!!). I also, of course, like explicitly nut free candies, as all tootsie products are. Having gotten that out of the way, these are a little disappointing. The texture is great: a firm chew but not haribo level gnawing. The appearance is annoying: two flavors (both green/red hybrids) which are, as far as I can tell, identical to the eye! And it's not fun like a jelly bean, because these flavors are very different from each other. One is good (cherry, lime) on each pair, and the other (strawberry, apple) is much less so. Some weird vibes because the pairings also don't really "go" together. I think green apple is the only non-canonical dot flavor here, and it's nothing special. The lime, even though it's good, also sometimes has a funky rancid/bitter undernote. Eating these just makes me wish I had normal dots instead, Christmas be darned! 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [1.20$]
Taste: 6/10

Vermont Creamery Goat Cheese

I did some good deeds over the weekend and -- you'll never believe this -- it lifted my mood! If only the same were true for avoiding sweets. Are cheeses sweets? Surely not. They do seem treat-coded, but goat cheese not especially so. I don't really consider these "fresh cheeses" real cheese in my cheese typology, but they do hold some appeal. I used a little of this in my pumpkin pasta to cream it up, and that was successful. I had the leftover cheese blops with apples and it was the pinnacle of decadence (at least for this smalltime country mouse) -- very soft, bright tart flavor, a great pairing. On its own I would have to ask myself what I'm doing, though.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [5$]
Taste: 6/10

ark foods - Jimmy Nardello Sweet Peppers

This is extremely trendy packaging for a pepper. But I admit, having a cute name like Jimmy Nardello does make me more likely to consume you. Ultimately, these are normal red sweet peppers. Nothing particularly novel here, other than the name. Also, after ~8 days they started to mold, and may have been the true cause of my week-ago stomach agonies. However, I would still get them again because they are cute and good to cook with.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Mott's Applesauce

Unlike the no-sugar-added Mott's applesauce, this one... tastes good. Sure, it might be that there's sugar added. But maybe it's because I'm not using it to hide pills in. Hard to say, really. It tastes like plain applesauce. Not very exciting, but not sour at all, and a nice treat for when you have a mysterious stomach ailment. Also very cheap for an 18 pack.

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [6$]
Taste: 7/10

Libby's 100% Pure Pumpkin

Big pumpkin day for me! I used this to make an herby pumpkin pasta, which I was VERY skeptical about, but it was actually quite good. Not as good as cheese would have been, but not at all weird or sweet or anything I feared. Also, this is 100% pumpkin with no spices or additives and it is nut free and soy free. And it was a fun gloopy texture. I dunno what else I can make with pumpkin besides desserts, but I am now somewhat interested in finding out! Thanks, Libby!

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2$]
Taste: 6/10

Jelly Belly - Pumpkin Pie

Real talk, blog fans: I'm so sick of being miserable! I've thrown most of my {brain diet/supplements/unhelpful preventative medication/goals} out the window, which is maybe something I'll regret, but I gave it 4 solid months and in this moment I just want to feel maximal non-despair before I go (which everyone agrees is important for the ultimate goals of improving the world and supporting others!!). 

In service of this mission, I ate about twenty of Jelly Belly's Pumpkin Pie Jelly Bean. This is a jelly bean flavor that needn't exist. Also, a bag with only one flavor of jelly bean is weird and bad. This is a flavor I don't think I've had before. My first reaction was that it tastes a lot like Dr. Pepper, and not just in terms of the "spices" (although there is a spicy vibe -- clove? cinnamon? allspice?), but also it feels fizzy! Like a bottle cap candy but with jelly bean texture. If they called this "Store Brand Cream Soda" I think I would like it more. I guess the flavor is enjoyable, but a bit weird too. The color is pleasing. Would not purchase again, but if this is in a mix of flavors, I would rank it toward the middle. (That is also where I'd rank myself in terms of people, so it's no major insult.)

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 6/10

Jelly Belly Apple Cider Mix

There are many things one could say about America, but I won't say them here. Except that there are a lot of Jelly Belly flavors one can buy, most of which don't currently contain unlabelled toxins and allergens! Nice! This one was on super sale because I guess it's seasonal. It contains two identical (to me with bad vision) red beans: red apple and cinnamon. I think they are in a ratio of 2:1. The idea is, I think, for you to shove the whole bag in your mouth at once and then it's like you're eating spiced apple cider. I love chewy, chewy cider. In all seriousness, those are two solid flavors, both very strong and bright. Good qualities. And not being able to tell them apart is kinda fun. So, this is a good time. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [1$]
Taste: 7/10

Haribo Sour Bats

I also ate these a few days before an agonizing stomach ailment, but I'm quite sure they aren't to blame! Sweet little Haribo wouldn't hurt a fly (except for those sugar free ones which I'm pretty sure are off the market now). I really did a 180 on Haribo, but these were pretty good. They're large, not too firm, distinctly flavored, cute, and seasonal to boot. Very impressive resume. Plus they were only 50 cents! The inner bat bit is "blackcurrant" flavor, which, OK. It was a neutral sweet gummy. The wings are what really shine. 

I think the cherry is my favorite; it's sweet and just a little sour. Tastes like a good cherry (little a bottle cap, starburst, or tootsie pop) and not a medicinal cherry (most other cherries)! 7/10

The apple is more sour, with a good strong green apple flavor. 7/10

The orange is middle of the road sour, and it too has a nice sweet orange flavor! 7/10

Overall
Cost: 8/10
Taste: 7/10

Boursin Garlic & Fine Herbs

I ate this three days ago, and now I have a terrible stomach bug. Coincidence? Probably! But it doesn't make me eager to revisit this cheese product anytime soon. Which is A-OK with me, because it didn't taste much like cheese. I made a pasta with it, and that pasta had a good consistency but didn't taste great -- too milky and herby. Then I had a little on its own with pretzels, and that was actually better, because this is basically like a french onion dip without the onion (or dip). Like that, it's solid. But it's not a cheese. It does look fancy, though, and I respect that. I have a high fever. Darn you, cheese!!

Overall
Cost: 4/10
Taste: 5/10

Jelly Belly Monster Mash

For reasons that don't need interrogating at this time (no interrogating!), I've been heavily engaging in Unhealthy Consumption. And it's Halloween(ish) so these are a nice seasonal jelly bean which didn't have any forbidden flavors. Unfortunately, they were a little stale/firm and I didn't really love any of the beans in this mash:

Caramel Corn: Tastes basically like the buttered popcorn one, which is a distinct flavor which I don't love.
Green Apple: Really weirdly medicinal, not horrible but not great.
Jewel Grape Soda: I don't know from Jewel; it's grapey but not especially bright or soda-y,
Jewel Orange: Just vaguely orange flavored, but not special.
Wild Blackberry: Generic berry flavor. Fine.

Will this ho-hum experience put me off candy, though? It will not! I hope there are still sales when I go to the store this weekend! 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2$]
Taste: 6/10