triscuit thin crisps - applewood barbecue

Blech. This should really be a 5, but since it didn't actively kill me I'm bumping it to a 6. I also like the box font. It's like a feminine hygiene product. What a stupid euphemism, by the way. 

I've always hated triscuits because they taste like a basket. But they are linguistically interesting (Blogger wants to autocorrect it to "biscuit"!) and they remind me of all the good times I had telling posh Euro-dudes that the only US-based cracker they like (triscuit) is bad and tastes like a basket. Ah, memories. Anyway, I'm doing real bad still, so we cherish the memories while we still have them. And also, I guess, the triscuits. These are thinner than normal so they're actually way more manageable than the OG. But the BBQ seasoning is to their detriment. It's just regular BBQ chip type seasoning, and there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it doesn't go with basket. Smells bad. Maybe just my brain talking. (Ha ha... isn't it always.... so true). 

On the plus side, I have several students in one of my classes this semester who have disclosed some neurological issue(s) to me (unprompted!!!!). Concussions, strokes, migraines, unspecified mystery issues (!). I like to think maybe they've keyed in on a type of gaydar for brain trauma. Or maybe they just needed an easy class because their brains are exploding and heard I'd fit the bill. Either way, I aspire to be like these triscuits (kinda bad, smells not great even though not expired, always there if you need 'em, some day you'll look back and think "we had good times, didn't we?"). 

Overall
Taste: 6/10
Cost: 5/10
Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space: Yep/Yep

Orville Redenbacher's White Cheddar Popcorn Seasoning

This past week I've unlocked a new symptom of unknown provenance: sporadic full body numbness and itchy tingling, which, in concert with my general allergy anxiety, has made me kinda unhappy about eating. It's like when your sick kid's only willing to eat ice cream so you give them ice cream. For me, I guess ice cream is this popcorn seasoning. I only gave it a shake or two, so there isn't much flavor to go on, but there's apparently 91 servings in here (1/4 tsp each) so I think I got approximately one serving. I suspect more might be gross, although I haven't tested that yet. The main flavor note is, like, MSG. Not a real strong cheese flavor, although kind of a "this is powder that would be on a goldfish cracker" flavor. Vaguely sweet(?!) and not especially buttery. I guess it's solid. I also had to rewrite about 300 words in this entry, so I think the numbness etc may be a flare of the ol' migraine(/MS/seizures/whatever the heck I've got going on neurologically). I feel like a jello mold. But at least I smell like popcorn!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Special K Strawberries & Crème Cereal

Not to k-hole on main, but it always weirded me out as a kid that there's a drug-named cereal marketed as a health cereal. Of course, I later found out the the cereal came first and the drug name was a play off of it. Kellogg's won the long game by keeping the name, since I don't think anyone really even calls ketamine Special K anymore. Anyway, I wish this were drugs and not cereal. But I'm on that full cereal, no drugs life (for all the good it does me!!). 

Much like frozen brocco, there's way too many similar varieties of Special K on offer. This particular one is not even on Kellogg's's website, or any website, but I have it in my hands so I know that it's real. It's actually much tastier than the 'Strawberry Cheesecake' flavor, since it's less artificial. Here we have flakes (classic), weird yogurt clumps (made me nervous and look kinda gross, but taste like a trail mix yogurt clump), and little bits of oat cluster (good). There is also an essence of dried strawberry, but no real strawberry pieces, and that's quite alright since I'd prefer no essence of dried strawberry at all. Pretty sweet and fatty for a health cereal -- in fact, maybe this isn't even intended to be health cereal and I just assumed it was because it sounded gross to me as a kid. The milk becomes very pink and I like that. It's also pretty filling. Special (bric)K. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 (but like, 6.5/10 though)

Kellogg's Original Squishmallows Ceral

I'm probably not the target audience for this, but when has that ever stopped me? I aspire to consume every new food I'm not allergic to, especially if it's stupid. 

The immediate smell of this is weird, like Halloween candy or something. The taste is at first remarkably like Rice Krispie treats cereal (my beloved) - marshmallowy (and this is the cereal bits mind you) and metallic, which is a rare combo. But then it quickly morphs into something much less pleasant -- the stale, artificially colored corn that it is, I guess. Pleasant Apple Jack-y texture. Nice vanilla-y leftover milk. Very few marshmallows per grain-'O', unless they all sunk to the bottom. I don't know if anyone will especially like this, but it is better than the average stupid new cereal, if only marginally.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter (Salted)

Butter, obviously, improves the taste of many things. This butter is from a great company (at least, ingredient-transparency-wise) and might cost 5 billion dollars soon, so I had to get some while the getting's good. The 8oz package is much cheaper than half of the 1lb package, and it's also a more appropriate size for me. But it's not in sticks, it's just a thick rectangle, so the portioning-out process is a little bit annoying. Nevertheless, with the right tools, you can make it work for you. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

R.W. Knudsen Organic Lower Sugar Cranberry Juice

At first I thought this was labelled as "lower sugar" because it's just 100% cranberry juice, i.e. no sugar or other juices added, which is the kind of cranberry juice I want. But it's actually "lower sugar" than their normal (100% cranberry) cranberry juice, which means this simply has Extra Water. Yes, it is lower sugar because they added water. This is, frankly, absurd. There's no limit to how far that gambit could go. Next they'll be adding air to chips and calling it low-fat chips (spoiler: they already do this). Anyway, annoying marketing, but the juice is good. I guess they didn't add THAT much water because it still has a nice cranberry flavor, and for people who are bitter babies (that is: babies about bitter food (and no judgment, I am a baby about many foods for a variety of reasons)), this might even be preferable. The only trouble with this is that it makes me want to drink alc! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

village farms heavenly villagio marzano tomatoes

If people aren't giving you grace, you gotta give yourself grace. I am trying to do that right now, by reviewing these tomatoes instead of (metaphorically?) killing myself to do Tasks. Is reviewing tomatoes not a task, you ask? It isn't. It's like a meditation. So too is eating tomatoes. Move over, raisin meditation. This is a cool bag, and the contents are also cool. The tomatoes are long and wrinkly. Not roma, but (san) marzano, which is a type of tomato I was not even aware was a type of tomato until now. Pointier and less juicy, I guess. But in a good way. They lasted a long time without molding. I don't know what else you could expect from a tomato.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Sargento 4 Cheese Mexican Traditional Cut ~ Off the Block

Move over, reduced fat mexi-shreds! It's full fat time! I get this 4 cheese blend whenever a recipe calls for American, Colby, or Monterrey Jack cheese, since my store only has those in the deli counter, which is allergy central. We make do, do we not? But this cheese is plenty tasty. And it melts well, which is the main consideration usually. It's also non-aged, so theoretically fine for brain diet hangers-on (i.e. me depending on mood). Is it any better than the reduced fat version? I think the taste is actually pretty similar, but the texture is a bit less stiff, which is an improvement. Also, I feel cooler eating this one. You know, like the Gone Girl version. So it is what it is.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Sour Patch Kids Glow Ups

Who asked for this? "The first ever candy to glow under a blacklight"?? I mean, I'm not against it -- I like the stupid cooling Icee cereal, so I also like this. It's just a funny product. I wonder if it will encourage anyone who doesn't already have one to buy a blacklight. If they do, they might discover some hidden infestations they wish had remained hidden (or sex stuff, but in my experience I'm mostly just discovering hidden infestations, even in hotel rooms, which is the original reason to purchase a blacklight before Big Gummy got in on the game). 

These are supposed to be strawberry & watermelon, but I think (??) they're all the same color & flavor, so I guess it's a mix in a single Kid? The predominant flavor I get is watermelon, which is a fine flavor, although not as delicious as those seasonal black raspberry ones. Easy to binge, alas. But good for nausea! Even if not good for other organs and systems....

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10
Stupid Novelty: 6/10 (if you don't have a blacklight these are literally just regular candy)

Frosted Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts

OK, I think we might need to call it on the pop tarts after this. Not that these are particularly awful -- it's just, you know, pop tarts. For flavor authenticity, these aren't bad -- I definitely get the cinnamon roll vibe, since they taste like bread, thin frosting, and warm cinnamony goop. Unfortunately, there's a touch of that horrible apple jack poptart potpourri flavor in the cinnamon goop which is really unpleasant. It's nowhere near as bad as it was in the apple jack poptarts, and if I never had had those I might not even notice or hate it, but alas. I did and I do. So.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

McCormick Sea Salt Grinder

Although people say a lot of weird stuff to me, I also say a lot of weird stuff to people. My hope was that, by eating salt, I will be less woozy and less likely to say weird stuff. I ate this whole salt and it did not have the desired effect. Even so, this was a nice shaker with an appropriate number of holes. It makes food taste much better, too. I am pretty sure salt is either something I need way more of or way less of, but since I have no idea which one it is, I will probably buy another one of these bad boys. Thanks, salt!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Old El Paso Red Enchilada Sauce

Huh! I was sad that this was the only option at my store, because I'm a La Victoria user for most mexi-sauces, and this also has sugar in it (and "spices", always mysterious and possibly allergenic). But it tasted, honestly, surprisingly good. Used it for a slow-cooker chicken enchilada deal and I was pleased and impressed. A little spicy but nothing crazy; smells like taco sauce (which I never use) but tastes much better. Like, dare I say, enchilada sauce. How 'bout that. Sorry for Old El Doubting.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Pop Tarts - Lemon Blueberry Crumble

Loyal readers may remember that in my darkest hour, I had a bit of a Toaster Strudel phrase. So it is only natural that in this, my second darkest hour (so far), I consider a second-tier Toaster Strudel (=Pop Tart). Honestly, I might be looking at the Strudel through rose colored glasses, but they truly seem to be leagues above the garbage that is Pop Tart. The only upsides to Pop Tarts is that they're portable and way less messy/sticky. I ate them a lot in college because I didn't always have a kitchen and there were no legit grocery stores in walking distance. (If I'm ever struggling to max out my gratitude practice, I just have to think about how many more options I have to eat food now than I did then, even with all my dietary baggage, and the fact that eating pop tarts is now a choice and not an obligation! Thanks for that moment of perspective, Pop Tart. xoxo)

This flavor looks very pretty. It tastes OK, I guess. The filling is deffo blueberry, and there's a hint of sour lemon to it. The breaded part is actually weird and different, though (unless pop tarts have changed a lot lately, which I doubt). It's....oaty? I guess to evoke the crumble. Impressive flavor matching, but the whole thing is not very Good, even though it is very Sweet (too sweet; made my face tingly).  It is not as good as the top tier pop tarts (cherry, brown sugar cinnamon) and even those are a rare desperation-eat. I am ready for my next pop tart. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

DeLallo Penne Ziti

Kinda weird to be both penne and ziti all at once, since I think of those as distinct pasta entities. But really penne is about the diagonal cut, and ziti is about the smooth tube, so a smooth tube with a diagonal cut, if such a thing exists (and now it does) would indeed be penne ziti. Ziti penne. Zitti e buoni. Neither penne nor ziti are really up my alley, especially the ziti of it all. They're too large and slippery to get anywhere with. A frustrating shape for your girl. The taste is, as always, just fine.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Signature Select Cauliflower Florets

This is frozen cauliflower. For me, the main purpose of cauliflower is to be a veg that takes up space and doesn't intrude with its own personality. In this, it served its purpose. Got nothin' else for you.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Ragu Kettle Cooked Tomato Basil Sauce

Not bad, Ragu, not bad at all. Or maybe that's mild deprivation talking. But this has no sugar, clean ingredos, no weird texture, no weird taste. Just pleasant herby tomato sauce, with a little garlic but not too much. Not sweet or oniony or anything of note, but made the pasta much tastier than it otherwise would have been. Huzzah.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Swanson Natural Goodness Lower Sodium Chicken Broth

Really scraping the bottom of the review barrel here, since this is indistinguishable from the Unsalted Chicken Broth and the Regular Chicken Broth. But it is technically a hybrid of those two broths, and therefore a unique product. It was, as always, fine. Made some nice chicken enchilada soup with it. It was a little salty. さすが chicken broth.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Cap'n Crunch's Arctic Crunch - Vanilla Frost

The reviews for this are so bad... I couldn't stay away. The reviews are correct. I should have stayed away. This tastes like frozen lima beans, which I haven't had in a loooong time, because I am allergic to beans. But lima beans are the only bean I don't miss, because they are mealy and gross. This cereal isn't mealy (it's Kix-texture), but it is gross. Genuinely, it tastes like freezer burn (arctic crunch!) and light vegetable. Very weird vibes. I don't get any "cooling effect", though, which is just about the only good thing you get with these novelty frosty cereals. OK, one other good thing here: the aesthetics of the cream & cerulean orbs are very good and unique. It's one of the prettiest cereals I've ever seen. Like glass orbs in a modern Nordic-inspired home catalogue. Other than bad bean, the main flavor note I detect is "aspirational vanilla frosting (gluten free?)". Like me, its aspirations remain unfulfilled. 

As I did my usual "eating a new food allergy panic attack website google" (parse that one, syntax nerds), I saw that this is no longer listed under available products on the Quaker site (though it is ostensibly allergen free). Smart move, Cap'n. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 4/10

Partake Classic Grahams

These taste like a foot, and I do not have a foot fetish. Just a very weird, slightly tangy(?) unpleasant flavor note going on here. Then the aftertaste is much better: like the buttery flour-heavy cookie dough base from the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book binder. You know the one. After some mixing of taste and aftertaste, things level out to a slightly weird, slightly fine floury cookie. None of these things are classic OR graham, but it wasn't a total waste of a cookie. Weird stuff. Soft texture. Small circle shape (again, graham who?).

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Abe's One Big Muffin - Banana

I didn't enter a big muffin phase intentionally, but what the produce box delivers, I accept with open arms. This flavor is boring. I like banana things, breads especially, and I have been abstaining from banana for about 9 months since it's supposedly histamine rich. But no longer! Anyway, even with all that distance, this flavor is boring. Maybe on a par with blueberry, which is better visually but maybe the same taste-ily. Choco is still the best big muffin (so far).

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Abe's One Big Muffin - Chocolate Chip

I know that 'in for a penny, in for a pound' is one of my most toxic patterns, but also, I'm in for a lot of pennies at the moment. So the fact that this chocolate chip muffin probably weighs a pound is irrelevant to me. This one is better than the big corn muffin and big blueberry muffin, but I'm not sure if it's because I ate it cold and not in a hurry, or if it's truly better tasting. The chocolate chips are like normal lil dark chocolate chips and the rest of the muffin tastes like normal muffin. The texture is a little bit too dense for my preference, but it's not egregious. Overall it is a treat, which is what you want from your weird large nut-free muffin. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Country Fresh Carrots

I had a moment today where a richie rich was complaining about egg prices (up to 3.50$/dozen here, which is frankly still cheap per calorie) and I almost said, "why don't you just replace eggs with carrots?", which is a sign I need to g2b. Luckily I kept my carrot propaganda to myself. Carrots are really cheap though. And so versatile! I don't even like carrots, but I can't deny that they last a long time and add a certain "fun orange color" to any food. Good for rice, good for soup, good for pasta, good for salad if I could still eat raw produce without OAS. Good. But the taste is very "I'm eating this as a chore, but it could be worse". Oh well.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Caramel Café au Lait Milano

People seem to like these, but people are dumb. This is another lower-tier white-choco milano. It tastes overwhelmingly like artificial caramel flavor. I know there are better coffee and caramel flavors out there than "janky caramel Dunkin k-cup" flavor. But this is not those. Still a cookie, though.

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [5.70]
Taste: 6/10

YumEarth Blue Raspberry Candy Canes

I gave up not eating candy canes for Lent. 

I always had the perception that all non-mint candy canes are inferior and gross, but since most candy canes are candy may-contains I don't have that much experience to draw from. These are giving me an additional pro-mint data point. But they're fine. Allergy friendly, weren't broken, no artificial colors, taste moderately pleasant. Sweet and kinda fruity. But a cane is actually a dumb-as-hell shape for a candy to be. Who asked for this? By buying it, I fear that I was. Oopsy.

Overall
Cost: 3/10 [10$?!]
Taste: 6/10

Signature Select Petite Broccoli Florets

Almost didn't review this, since I figured it's the same thing as the non-Petite version (the picture sure looks the same), but based on my comments, this actually is a different, petiter beast. One serving of this is like, 9 florets. Still tastes better than the winter mix broccos, even though I also bought this because they were out of winter mix. Maybe I should give up on winter mix and just go full brocco. But I need all the veggie diversity I can get! Anyway, this was good. I enjoyed it more than I expected to enjoy it, whatever that means.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Cinnamon French Toast Frosted Flakes

Huh. I had pretty low expectations for these, because syrup flavored things are horrible usually. And these really do remind me of a French Toast taste! But they're not at all like the weird glazed donut frosted flakes that I said tasted like French Toast Crunch. Perhaps French Toast Crunch doesn't taste like French Toast either!? This is cinnamony, buttery, and yes, syruppy, but not in that artificial maple way. In a good way. The smell is appealing rather than gross. Pretty impressive! The rare non-gross on-sale novelty cereal!

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10

Haribo Happy Chicks

These are the only happy chicks I see nowadays, you feel me? They're cute though. These gummies are in various states of hatchedness; some are even full egg. The texture is pretty soft for Haribo. The flavors aren't listed on the bag, so these are just my best guess: 

    yellow: pineapple? fine.
    dark yellow: lemon? pretty darn lemony.
    pink: strawberry? fine.
    orange: orange? okay.
    dark red: cherry? good.
    green: green apple? fine.

In conclusion, I should have bought more Haribo. These aren't even that good, I just like them.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Lakeside Organic Gardens Spinach

Spinach is a great veg (grittiness aside), but the bundle I got from Lakeside Organics was kinda mid. Very dirty, holey, scrunchy, wilty, etc. I salvaged many good leafs, and the taste was solid spinach, as ever, but the time commitment was a lot more than I would want to spend on spinach prep. I guess this is better (morally?) than those store brand pre-washed bags are though, s i g h. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Perdue Thin Sliced Chicken Breasts

It's kinda messed up that people wanted plumper chicken breasts, so they selectively bred massive birds, and now the breasts are TOO BIG so they're selling these "thin cutlet" packages instead (at a premium price point). But a lot of things are kinda messed up, aren't they?

Anyway, I spent a pretty penny on these, but it was worth it to make a nice herby chicken dish. These cook quickly (~8min), taste good, and didn't have any weirdnesses (or pee smell, but I didn't use the oven...). Actually, they had one weirdness: the outside of the package smelled so, so bad, but all the meat in my jank-city grocery store is like that, especially on Saturdays. Luckily the inside was uneventful. I was surprised that there were like 6-7 pieces in a 1.5lb package (5 normie chickens, 2 surprise "oh that's separate" chickens), but I guess that's the whole point. Thin chicken is certainly more delightful than thick chicken. Convenient. If I were rich I'd be buying these weekly I bet.

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [13$]
Taste: 6/10

Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse Thin & Crispy Butter Crisp Cookies

Hm. Turns out a butter cookie with flavor notes of (1) butter and (2) crisp tastes... kinda boring. It is indeed buttery and a cookie, and sweet but not super sweet. It is round and honestly not very crispy. Just a normal crumbly circle of cookie. I've been having a pretty rough week, brain-wise, which made me fear that the chocolate-containing milano I ate last week was the culprit, so I went for a non-chocolatey option here. But all the non-chocolatey options are crap! I might as well just eat some butter sprinkled with sugar on my own time (but that sounds gross, is my point).

Overall
Cost: 4/10
Taste: 6/10
Degree of Butteriness: 10/10

Orange Chocolate Milano

As a creature of habit, having run out of white chocolate milanos to sample, I went for the original milk choco this week (or dark choco? I actually am not sure. Maybe dark choco). For now, no regrets. These are a top-tier cookie. They taste like a (now-may-contain-nuts) Terry's Chocolate Orange; that is to say: they taste like happiness. Like soft, unfettered innocence. Like a winter festival. Good.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 8/10

Blueberry Bran Crunch

A fun new cereal!, I thought. Wrong. It is not fun. But it is a new cereal, so here we are. It also has 'bran' in the name, which maybe should have tipped me off as to its unfunness. But I like Raisin Bran and I mildly enjoy both the frosted & complete brans (although they aren't really fun). Blueberry is a good fruit and crunch is a fine noise to make. So then, what happened here? It's just boring. The blueberry is flavoring only, and not bits like raisin bran has raisin bits (aka raisins). And the flavoring is kinda artificial, like a cheapo blueberry muffin. It's still an OK flavor, but it isn't good. The bran is soggy and typical of kelloggs. As far as I could perceive, there were no crunches. Ho hum. At least there's fiber! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Swanson Unsalted Beef Broth

Just call me Lord of the Broths. This is a good one. I needed 5 cups and it is FOUR cups, and my store had just ONE BOX (bashed up, to boot) remaining. Must be that avian influenza. But it was a good box. I made beef stew (wine-free edition) and the broth was definitely better than the beef, and for that I thank this low-sodium base. It tastes like Beef Broth, but not in a tomatoey or itchy way, just in a warm, thin, vaguely herbal way. Thanks, Swanson! Soy-free as always.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

utz sourdough specials - original

Having exhausted the extra-dark pretzel options from utz, it was time for me to try the "original" version. Well, now I know the original version is inferior. Tastes like nothing (whereas the extra dark ones taste like Pretzel). The texture of these is good -- immanently biteable -- and the size is also good; 5 makes a satisfying serving. The ingredient statement has my heart, as ever. But these pretzels are hardly special(s).

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Frosted Flakes Glazed Donut Holes

Yooo this is a weird little cereal. Its tan orbs have seemingly nothing in common with frosted flakes or glazed donut holes (minus the shape: orb). They smell like a French Toast Crunch kinda deal and taste like a dense, mild version of same. It is not unpleasant, but it is very confusing given the branding. I guess these are more cake donut than yeast donut, right down to the little brown speckles. I'm pretty sure [edit: yep] that these are corn based, which is all the weirder since neither frosted flakes nor donut holes (nor glaze) are corn based, other than like, corn syrup. Maybe it is a societal commentary. Maybe "crunchy syrup balls" didn't test well in their focus group. People probably do like to be vexed. Why, I feel a little pleasure in it just now, myself.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Milano: Coconut White Chocolate

Milano historians know that this is not the first coconut milano, but it is the first white chocolate coconut milano. Blog historians know that the other two white chocolate flavors (lemon, strawberry) had some inadequacies, but I was compelled to get to this one eventually. But it's good that I did! This flavor has only adequacies. At minimum! The taste is overwhemingly coconut, but the white choco (which isn't perceptively funky) tempers it with mild sweetness, as does the cookie. All together it's like their coconut cake, but much smaller and therefore less one-note. It also reminds me of the Samoa girl scout cookies, or at least the Dunkin flavor swirl inspired by them. Strong coconut, but not strongly artificial, with some caramelly/choco backnotes (despite white choco only). Delightful for coconut likers, and for me. 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [5$]
Taste: 7/10

DeCecco Farfalle

I can hardly believe there are still unreviewed pasta shapes, but indeed, this is one. I wanted mafalda for my skillet laz but this was the closest available. It did the job; good bite and cute shape, not too gummy or cronchy. Would be too much pasta without sauce, I expect.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [3$]
Taste: 6/10

Creekside Organics Sweet Baby Broccoli

I willfully choose to interpret this as [Sweet Baby] Broccoli, because I sure don't want to eat a sweet brocco. I do understand that baby brocco is classier, fancier, rarer, richer, etc, but it is also (surprise!) much smaller in terms of brocco-content-per-stalk. As a brocco enjoyer I don't want LESS of what I enjoy, even if it is classy and cute. Plus the prep here involves so much more washing, plucking, etc. On the other hand, if I were making a meat main or a fancy italian pasta with a small serving size, I would indeed want these -- it's just that I only ever eat rice-with-veg and (non-fancy) pasta-with-veg and so the baby brocco is not a value add. Taxonomy aside, this is a solid iteration of the Sweet Baby. The taste is good (I'd say mild, not sweet) and it wasn't gritty or mushy or anything, even though I had quite a few yellow flower bits to remove (Sweet Adolescent Broccoli). 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Waterloo Cherry Limeade

Happy 14th! It's Friday, so it actually is a happy 14th, as these things go. And this flavor was a pleasant surprise: I dislike most cherry flavoring, but you add in some lime and I guess it magically becomes ungross. Waterloo seltzers are far from my favorite seltzers, though they are all "OK", but this is my favorite waterloo flavor so far. It smells like cherry limeade (the non-0-cal version) and tastes like, hmm. It tastes like a very fizzy, slightly acidic, vaguely fruity drink. But inhale deep enough and you'll get to where you're meant to go.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

homefree chocolate mint cookies

God, I really am change-averse. I do not need to be tearing up over the fact that I will never get these only-mildly-OK cookies for free from work again, again! I can just buy the mildly OK cookies! Self!!

These cookies are just mildly OK. You know how vitamin water etc is like an eyedropper of juice in a bottle of water? These are the solids equivalent. Like a pinch of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie in an airy wafer of... neutral wafer. I like the flavor notes (choco, mint) and I guess it's nice that these aren't too sweet, but they just have very little flavor. This is not a gourmet resto, this is a desperation bag cookie snack, let me have some flavor! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Birds Eye Steamfresh Super Sweet Corn

I've eaten 5 distinct foodstuffs recently (=in my sick sick 48 hour day), and all of them were corn in some form. (Cereal, muffin, chip, popped, this). I don't even like corn in non-corn form!! Things are dire. Globally, personally, and cornlally. Is there a corn vitamin? I doubt it. My hindbrain yearns for ... salt? Who knows.

Anyway. I had some great store brand frozen corn last year before my fridge died, but this time I thought I'd try the Birds Eye for allergy phobia reasons. Well, it wasn't as good. Super sweet? Ha! Hardly! And so on. My reaction to this, even in delicious nacho, was "this is fine. nothing special. I like corn and this is corn, but it's small". That's right. It's small corn. Not plump. Just regular. I'll eat it but I'll return to the risk of Store Brand Corn next time. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Tortiyahs! Restaurant Style

Oh, chip. I got these not because of the frankly unappealing branding, but because I was looking for Utz brand tortilla chips in support of their nut-free copy. And behold, THESE are the Utz brand tortilla chips! Must be a recent rebranding (or I'm just really ignorant about tortilla chips, also possible). How silly. I guess for those consumers who like to try new things (haha...) the gambit might pay off.

Anyway, these taste like tortilla chips. Good size (big), nice crunch, no complaints really. Actually, one complaint: 11oz is a stupid size for a bag. Every recipe is for 6oz, 12oz, etc, and you're giving me 11oz? Horrible. Other than that, no complaints. Uncooked they're very generic; baked for nacho (mm nacho) they have a delightful fried aroma (like chinese crispy noodles) the likes of which I haven't seen before. Perfect nacho chip; normie chip chip.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [5$ish???]
Taste: 6/10

Sour Patch Kids - Peach

A-N-X I-E T-Y! Makes you wonder why you try! 🎵

I got these after googling "BEST CANDY FOR TUMMY ACHE"; the best candy for tummy ache seems to be ginger (no nut-free ginger candy exists, trust me I've looked) or peppermint (a choco-free mint is not a candy, thank you very much). So the second best candy is "sour candy", or so they say. Of course these have a little "not so sour" emblem which I didn't notice 'til I already bought them and thought "well these aren't very sour"!! Foiled again! They also taste like every other peach candy, and I realise I don't like peach candy much. Peaches are great. Peach pastry, very good. Artificial peach flavor? No thank you. I still ate many of them, but no thank you to the concept. Cute shape/coloring on these, though. And my teeth do hurt a little, which is sufficiently distracting. Wahee~

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Chifles Original Plantain Chips

Some of my best friends are platanitos! These are a nice iteration of plantain chip. They're thin and pliable, but not too thin to have a good bite. These are green plantains (so, less sweet/ripe) but they taste just as pleasant as the yellow ones. There's a slight sweetness, a slight saltiness, a slight oiliness, and an overwhelming starchiness. Which I like. Good snack. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Dunkin' Extra Extra Cold Foam Creamer

I waited so long [for brain reasons] to try the Dunkin' cold foam (which was originally in the black Reddi-Wip can) that they released their own branded version! Once I saw this, my [possibly fruitless] cold foam fast was over. Hooray, etc. This doesn't have any artificial sweeteners or flavors in it, anyway, so I like it quite a lot. Is it the same as the foam that Dunkin stores use? That I am not sure, because I didn't have it on cold brew, which is the only place I experience cold foam in Dunkin stores. However, the fact that I am not sure either way is a good sign. Tastes like unobjectionable sweet milky cream; melts properly; lasts 2 weeks. Didn't cause any urgent health issues. I don't get the flavor name (Extra Extra? is this little caesar's?) but that's OK, I don't have to get everything.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [5$ish]
Taste: 7/10

Strawberry White Chocolate Milano

Uh oh! These smell like medicine. Too bad I didn't have these first so I'd think that medicine smells like cookies instead. Alas, I started down the medicine path well before I was ever allowed to have Sweets. Now I yearn for sweets and protest too much about meds; let that be a lesson to all the parents out there. Just kidding (sort of, I dunno). 

Anyway, it's a bad sign that the best part of these is by far the (tasty) cookies and not the (cloying, medicinal) choco-center. This is definitely worse than the lemon flavor. I can see more clearly here that the choco comes in two layers, one light pink "strawberry" and one normie. I can't disentangle them without some serious tools, though, which would be fine if I didn't suspect that at least one layer was kind of gross (but maybe both, jury's out). Sad. Sad cookie disappointment. I'm still aiming not to have choco-choco, but I don't know how long it will last since (a) I feel like crap anyway (b) the external world is also very bad and (c) all these white choco foods are inferior!! 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [5.20$]
Taste: 5/10

utz Sourdough Hards

I have a disease. Well, I have lots of diseases, but one of them is apparently buying stuff that is hard to chew despite hating things that are hard to chew. I have TMJ now! What am I doing! But truly, who could resist "Hards"? What branding. It's a thing of beauty. Also, these pretzels are massive, which is funny, but they're also like teeny versions of soft pretzels, which is doubly funny. A serving size is one pretzel. The taste is 'pretzel'. I would prefer the extra dark flavor profile, but I guess there's only so many pretzel variations utz can handle. As with all the utzes, these are proudly made in a nut-free facility and have no ingredients about which to fret. Many of them are broken in the bag, which is really something because they are indeed extremely hard. The reviews for these are also so wholesome and enchanting. The people love Hards! 

Something else stupid about me is that I absolutely hate that "my wets" meme about noodles etc, and I don't know why I hate that so much but I like these (and other silly nominalized adjective names). I hope it's not that I find companies loveable and people hateable, because that's backwards thinking. Maybe the first noticed wets enjoyers (SHUDDER) are just people I particularly disliked, and I've retained that info deep down. I hope so. Anyway, this has been your moment of irrational language prejudice; sleep well.

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2.50]
Taste: 6/10

Sour Patch Kids Sour Hearts

This is good. The rare early on-sale Valentine's candy. Sour little black hearts! They are more sour than regular sour patch kids and have a nice flavor (indeed, it is like blue raspberry but less sweet and more sour. good.). The taste is evocative of a simpler time, like pool food or something. If I were in my human interaction era, I'd be giving these to all my lovers. As it stands I am happy to have them for myself.

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [1$]
Taste: 7/10

Welch's Fruitfuls - Strawberry

These are not very good. I like fruit snacks, but even so. It fills no niche, being neither filling (50 cals?!) nor healthy (not an excellent source of vitamin C (23mg), despite the lying box) nor delicious. The texture is not bad -- slimy, pliable, bendy, not too sticky. The smell is intriguing (weed-gummy-esque). The taste is "strawberry, but not sweet strawberry, but not really sour strawberry, almost on-the-verge-of-bitter strawberry". Actually, saying this has made me appreciate it a bit more. I guess it has some nuance. But it's not sweet and delicious, which is what I really want. I should buy more cookies.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea (Decaffeinated)

Often, due to my lifestyle, someone comes up to me and says something totally prescriptive and horrible and expects me to not only agree, but be proud of them. That is what both ends of decaf tea drinking feels like. However, it's not all bad. First of all, it's a hot drink. And of the horrible decaf teas, this one has a nice texture (thick, not too gritty) and a cute little bubbling effect (even when the water is most assuredly "hot enough", for any British tea evangelists out there). I'm not Irish and it's not breakfast, but I sure as shoot am decaffeinated. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10