utz Sourdough Hards

I have a disease. Well, I have lots of diseases, but one of them is apparently buying stuff that is hard to chew despite hating things that are hard to chew. I have TMJ now! What am I doing! But truly, who could resist "Hards"? What branding. It's a thing of beauty. Also, these pretzels are massive, which is funny, but they're also like teeny versions of soft pretzels, which is doubly funny. A serving size is one pretzel. The taste is 'pretzel'. I would prefer the extra dark flavor profile, but I guess there's only so many pretzel variations utz can handle. As with all the utzes, these are proudly made in a nut-free facility and have no ingredients about which to fret. Many of them are broken in the bag, which is really something because they are indeed extremely hard. The reviews for these are also so wholesome and enchanting. The people love Hards! 

Something else stupid about me is that I absolutely hate that "my wets" meme about noodles etc, and I don't know why I hate that so much but I like these (and other silly nominalized adjective names). I hope it's not that I find companies loveable and people hateable, because that's backwards thinking. Maybe the first noticed wets enjoyers (SHUDDER) are just people I particularly disliked, and I've retained that info deep down. I hope so. Anyway, this has been your moment of irrational language prejudice; sleep well.

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [2.50]
Taste: 6/10

Sour Patch Kids Sour Hearts

This is good. The rare early on-sale Valentine's candy. Sour little black hearts! They are more sour than regular sour patch kids and have a nice flavor (indeed, it is like blue raspberry but less sweet and more sour. good.). The taste is evocative of a simpler time, like pool food or something. If I were in my human interaction era, I'd be giving these to all my lovers. As it stands I am happy to have them for myself.

Overall
Cost: 7/10 [1$]
Taste: 7/10

Welch's Fruitfuls - Strawberry

These are not very good. I like fruit snacks, but even so. It fills no niche, being neither filling (50 cals?!) nor healthy (not an excellent source of vitamin C (23mg), despite the lying box) nor delicious. The texture is not bad -- slimy, pliable, bendy, not too sticky. The smell is intriguing (weed-gummy-esque). The taste is "strawberry, but not sweet strawberry, but not really sour strawberry, almost on-the-verge-of-bitter strawberry". Actually, saying this has made me appreciate it a bit more. I guess it has some nuance. But it's not sweet and delicious, which is what I really want. I should buy more cookies.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea (Decaffeinated)

Often, due to my lifestyle, someone comes up to me and says something totally prescriptive and horrible and expects me to not only agree, but be proud of them. That is what both ends of decaf tea drinking feels like. However, it's not all bad. First of all, it's a hot drink. And of the horrible decaf teas, this one has a nice texture (thick, not too gritty) and a cute little bubbling effect (even when the water is most assuredly "hot enough", for any British tea evangelists out there). I'm not Irish and it's not breakfast, but I sure as shoot am decaffeinated. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Signature Select Sliced White Mushrooms

"Review the mushrooms," says the devil on my shoulder. "Nothing wrong with reviewing Store Brand Mushrooms!" Sure, sure. Why not. I actually learned this week that the difference between mushroom options (white/button vs brown/bella) is a very small age difference. Like, days. Like 3 days. What?! So my previous method of "ignore mushroom specification, just buy whatever's at the store" feels way more legitimate with this knowledge. I do miss the other, lovelier mushroom types, but Acme has what Acme has, and that's probably for the best, fermentation-wise.

These are good. Sliced already, though not washed of course (I don't think any fresh mushrooms come washed?) and I always worry about it more than maybe I should. These aren't particularly dirt-caked anyway, not like the local ones that are probably from Ireland or something (even though I live 20 min from the Mushroom Capital of the World). Relatedly, on certain humid mornings the air by me smells like mushroom farms, and everyone around here hates it, but I love it. It's so comforting, like the noise of a train or cuddling up in a warm blanket. Maybe if they grew up smelling roasted peanuts and horse manure like I did, they'd put some respect on Mushroom Farm Smell. Anyway, I got a little off track. Mushrooms taste nice, especially when cooked in nice things like shallot and garlic and meat and oil and pepper and etc. I haven't had pizza in decades (months? who knows) but mushrooms are also my favorite pizza topic. All hail mushroom. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch

I probably can resist a new Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavor, because I've tried a lot of them by now and they're never as good as regular cinnamon toast crunch. But if we don't try new things, our fear & avoidance of new things will grow ever stronger, and it's pretty easy to try new Cinnamon Toast Crunches, so.

These smell very much like a sugar cookie. Impressive work by the GM smell scientists. They taste like, hmm. Something familiar that I can't put my finger on. (Not a sugar cookie). I'll circle back if it comes to me later. The taste is OK... like a vanilla and less-cinnamony cinnamon toast crunch. Nothing unpleasant here, but it's a little lacklustre. Even the leftover milk just tastes like regular milk (no thank you). One of the better CTC spinoffs, but still inferior to the OG. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Lemon White Chocolate Milano

You know I can't resist a new subtype of Milano™. Even though I'm kind of out on the whole brain diet enterprise, I'm still wary of the big 3 (alc ~ choco ~ agéd cheesers), so a white-choco (therefore non-choco) Milano line is coming at a good time for me to go hard. I also like white chocolate more anyway because I am a sicko (or a child at heart). I gotta say, these aren't as good as regular Milanos, though. All the rave reviews seem to be coming from people who've never had a lemon cookie before and are excited by the novelty (which, no shade to them, that's also happened to me before).  Here are my main complaints:

- Makes my mouth itchy (well, OK, may be a personal problem, but I dunno what's going on there and I sure don't care for it).

- The choco inside doesn't really stick to the cookie outside, so you get less of a cohesive whole than in other "sandwich" cookies.

- The overwhelming flavor note is sweet lemon, which is fine and good (sugar-lemon tastes nice), but because it's so one-note, that means the texture is more noticeable, and the texture is less delightful than their Ojai lemon cookies, which were already not a top-tier cookie.

- There's a weird, bad (metallic? not sure how to describe) undernote, probably in the white chocolate. May be a fluke, since I've had other white chocolates that I noticed a bad flavor in which later redeemed themselves in other batches, but this is all I have to go on. I guess I'll try the other flavors, but probably not this one again.

So there you have it. Not as good as it could be, but I like that it exists. There should be more white chocolate sweets available to me! More! 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [5$!!]
Taste: 6/10

abe's One Big Muffin - blueberry

I thought these massive muffins would be good for me to consume in the .5 seconds I have between classes, and in some ways (calorie density, portability) they are good for that. But in other ways (nutrition, giving me flulike weariness) I am not so sure. They're big and taste like a mushy, slightly processed pound cake. I haven't identified a better option, but to be fair, I haven't put much energy into the task. Maybe if these muffins were better at giving me energy, I'd have energy to replace them. Clever Abe.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

2022 Sayanca Torrontes

Hello, unhealthy coping mechanism! Not wine-drinking. Just going through a backlog of old unreviewed-wine notes. Still not ideal, but could surely be worse.

The same might be said for this wine (at least according to April 2024 me). It was sweet, had a screw top, peachy notes, and was acidic but not horribly so. It may have also permanently damaged my brain, but that's probably not how things work. Still not very confident on this point.

Do I recommend it? I do not. Good riddance, wine!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

ark Foods Mini Heirloom Cherry Tomatoes

My neighbor has been running his truck outside for 4 hours straight. Why? We do not know. I can't DFW myself into thinking he has a good reason to do it, because he is a rude guy in general. What does this have to do with tomatoes? Nothing, I just am finding it so hard to have a single thought about anything else. But we can do hard things!! (👻)

These are the kind of little tomato I like: a medley of different colors and sizes. They claim to be cherry but their shape indicates to me "grape". They taste good and are fun. The packaging is cute. One of the colors is "half of me is purpley black" which I at first interpreted as "rotten tomato" but I think it was just the natural color of the tomato. Next time I will eat them and see if I perish.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Signature Select Frozen Artichoke Hearts (Quartered)

Artichokes have a lot going for them. Cool name (from Arabic! with an l~r sound change!); healthful; cool appearance; artichoke dip is a top tier appetizer (or so the recollections of teenage me indicate); my Canadian friendo used to insult me by saying I had an artichoke heart, which is apparently an actual French idiom. 

But, they taste bad. Sorry. Not like, olive-level inedible, but they have a sour flavor and no redeeming (flavor) notes. I get why they're often pickled because they have the essence of "pickle me". Even paired with spinach and chicken and etc, when you notice them you think "wish I weren't". These frozen ones cooked up fine and all, but they do come in their natural stacks (like in the picture), so you either have to spend time de-stacking them or suffer with occasional artichoke-heavy bites in your product. You can guess what I chose.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

DeLallo Orecchiette

Do these even look like (human) ears? Do ears really look like little cups? Am I just unable to imagine an ear detached from the head? These are the thoughts that calm me as I find myself with too much to do today. I think we've pretty much covered all there is to say about DeLallo pasta by now. It is, on the whole, pleasant. This shape is fun but a little too stackable, such that you get too much pasta-per-cubic-inch and not enough air. These also have a pretty long cook time (~12 minutes), which is no doubt related to the lack of air. Once the DeLallo backlog is complete (soon!) I think I'll return to my usual elbow-spaghett rotation, and only venture outside that on special occasions.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

La Clare Goat Mozzarella

My cheese education continues! I've had a lot of goat cheeses (mostly LaClare ones), and a lot of cow-milk mozzarella cheeses (mostly on pizza), but never a goat mozz. My (foolish) assumption was that this would be more mozz-like than goat-like. But it is not. It tastes exactly like the sharp, tangy sour notes I have come to expect from a non-mozz goat variety. That's not a bad thing, but it's not really mozz, is it? Well, maybe it is. The texture is absolutely right -- firm, smooth, shiny. Not smooshy or dry like your non-mozz-goat cheese. So the name is accurate, but my priors were not. I'm not sure I have a good use for this stuff, as it's far from neutral, but I'm gonna think on it. Thanks, goats!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Abe's One Big Muffin - Corn

This sure is a big muffin. Which I like. However, this might be old-fashioned of me, but I think the primary note in a corn muffin ought to be corn (and not sugar, like here, or even salt or butter etc). I could hardly taste the corn! Just a whisp of corn! Other than that minor(?) issue, this was very pleasant. Large, as mentioned, and moist and sweet. Plus the packaging is all about how Abe's dad loves his trago allergy-having son. Some beautiful wish-fulfillment-via-muffin-packaging there.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Atoria's mini Naan (Traditional)

Can you believe I found a store that sold these? Incredible stuff. A pack of 4 minis was just perfect for my 4-day conference needs; one holds a single egg or a single 1/3 tube goat cheese very nicely. Tastes like plain naan, which it is. No allergens, no mold; good as gold.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

Vital Farms Pasture Raised Hard Boiled Eggs

These precooked eggs in a bag were surprisingly good. I don't really like eating eggs, especially plain, as they always make me a bit vommy and the taste is just "eh". But these eggs had no ill effects on me, and if anything I think they made me feel a bit better (the power of protein? idk). They were smaller than your average egg, and a bit wet due to the form factor of "being in a bag", but they do taste like eggs. A yellower yolk than normal, which their non-bagged-eggs have too. It is hard for me to say "non-bagged eggs" (but that's not due to my recent brain issues; it always would have been). Anyway, I can usually boil my own eggs so I don't need this, but if I'm travelling again I will definitely look for these! They were a lifesaver! Yay egg!

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [3$ish]
Taste: 7/10

abe's vanilla cupcakes

Philly grocery really crushing it in the allergy-free space!! For an egg-free, milk-free, soy-free cupcake, this is quite good. Surprisingly normal, although not quite as delicious, especially in the frosting (although there is somehow a tangy note, which impressed me). A little bit less sweet tasting than those milkful nutfree mini cupcakes at my local store, even though I believe the sugar content is the same. These were a nice treat to reward me for not dying or vomming during any famous linguists' talks! Yay me!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Annie's Hidden Veggies - Cheesy Cheddar

It's so rare for "hidden veggies" to NOT be peas and beans and etc! Thank you, Annie. I'm in a hotel right now with no cooking implements, so any form of veggie is a plus, even if it's tiny amounts of squash powder flavoring a flat bunny cracker. Which this is. But even though it's flat and not that veg-y, the taste is good. Buttery and heavily seasoned. And the flat-ness is kind of a fun novelty. More fun than a traditional puffed goldfish (or cheddar bunny) shape. Or maybe I'm just in a good mood because I'm back on my "brain diet be damned" bs and sleeping 2 hours a day :)

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

BelGioioso Ciliegine Mozzarella

Some of my best friends are "Cherry Size". Listen, it seems like mozz should be right out, but it's fresh and not aged so perhaps it is fine. My store didn't have Normal Large Ball, but actually these 1/3oz blops are pretty convenient. They taste like mozz and I have no complaints. 6 of them make for a nice personal pizza lavash. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10 (6$)
Taste: 7/10

Quaker Apples & Cinnamon

I'm not sure why I didn't buy this months ago, since it's packaged & sweet & not breaking any rules. But for whatever reason (health???) I did not. It's no raisins and spice, but that's OK. This is oatmeal with apple, cinnamon, and sugar. Sure, you could make it yourself, but this is not particularly costly, so why bother? Tastes a lot like baked apples (which I am eating a lot of now since I can't have Raw apples). It is pleasant. Pie-esque. The biggest downside is the horrible texture; using 2/3 cup water is not enough, but any more is somehow far too much. It is either gloopy or runny. Perhaps this is just the nature of oatmeal, but I seem to remember a non-horribly-textured oatmeal in my past years ago. Perhaps it is a false memory, like so many memories are.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

De Lallo Elbows

 

These Delallbows are pretty good. Quick cook time (6min), tasty, cute. The only issue I have is that they're so small I've choked on them more than once. User error for sure, but a user error that hasn't come up with the other, less chokey shapes. No further comments, your honors.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

ICEE Cereal

Well now. This seems like a bouquet of chemicals that are sure to cause cancer. But since I'm not drinking, it seems like fair game. (I just saw Vivek's latest post about alcohol causing cancer, and instead of making me happy that I'm not drinking alc, it made me sad, because I guess I still see myself as a temporarily embarrassed millionaire 😔)

Like the other cooling cereals I've tried, this does have a creepy cooling effect. It also does smell like ICEEs. My main complaint is that the cereal orbs are red (cherry), blue (blue ras) and.... purple? (ostensibly a combo????). Is there a purple ICEE that we forgot to advertise on the box? The predominant flavor is really just "ICEE", not cherry or blue raspberry, but I think that's kind of how ICEEs themselves are, right? It's been a minute since I dipped my toe into that particular lake. Maybe it leans more cherry, but then again, I think I have only had Cherry ICEEs. Anyway, this is a fun novelty, but the taste isn't anything special, and the branding does nothing for me (it's not like it's Dunkin' Refresher branded), so I wouldn't get it again. Nice box size though (small). 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Starburst FaveREDs

It is a good idea to put these flavors together, as they are indeed my Faves (and red-adjacent). Starburst are pretty reliable. Fun to build little towers with. The flavors are:

Cherry - This is in the OG mix, and it is a favorite there. 7. 

Watermelon - This is probably in the tropical mix? It tastes like watermelon candy flavor. Solid. 7.

Fruit Punch = I don't know where this came from, but yes, this tastes like fruit punch. It's sweet, fruity, nice. 7.

Strawberry - Also in the OG mix. This is not complex, but it's the sweetest one. Classic strawberry candy. 8.

All of these are very good. Rare to not think "aw shucks" at any random candy flavor. Happy New Year to me (and to you).

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10