McCormick Gourmet Organic Italian Seasoning

Are seasonings food? I mean, the FDA says so, and you eat them, but they don't really feel like food. Just practicing for semantics class here. 

This was the only Italian seasoning I could find that listed all the ingredients and none of the ingredients were onion powder. Most of the included herbs are what you'd expect (rosemary, thyme, etc) but it also has "savory", which, despite my 30+ years on this earth, I had never heard of before. Or maybe more likely, I've heard of it but assumed it was a modifier and not the name of an herb. But it is the name of an herb! Genus Satureja. Has 'excellent culinary and medicinal uses'. What are those uses? Is there a supplement I can get my hands on? Questions for another time. I can't really pick out individual flavors here, it's not like skittles. But it has a nice strong herby taste and didn't kill me. Reminds me of the Subway Italian Herbs and Cheese bread (which I haven't had in like, 10+ years), so I guess it's a distinctive and pleasant flavor profile. Would sprinkle on sandwich, wrap, or bread again.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Orchard View Cherries

Perhaps I will rebrand as a fruit expert! Just kidding. Maybe. You know, I have this one eternally depressed acquaintance who I always call "My sad friend X" and I, self-aware fruit expert that I am, fear that I am starting to become your sad friend. But at least you think we're friends, dear reader!

So, cherries. Cherries are a great fruit. Very expensive and seasonal, but delicious, small, come with their own eating utensil (stems) and require some cognition to eat (pits). Bafflingly, although I get a local produce box, these are from Oregon. And non-sad friend, I am not from Oregon. Not even close! So I'm a little confused about why I received these, especially since they were very bad as cherries go. Not rotten or moldy or anything, and I happily ate them all, but they were small, dark, didn't taste very sweet or even tart or refreshing or anything you want a cherry to be. Just some mildly dank flesh. I guess you could say we have a lot in common, these cherries and I. 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 (~8$)
Taste: 6/10

Organic Thomcord Seedless Table Grapes

"Thomcord" is a jolly fine name for a grape. It's a cross between Concord and Thompson grapes, but that's not very informative because most grapes don't tell you what kind of grapes they are (unless it's a wine). To my unseasoned palate, they taste exactly like concord grapes do. And I don't like Concord grapes because they taste like grape jelly which makes me scared about peanut butter. A trace of the true self and all that. But now that I teeter on the edge of survival (and/or am doped up on spurious brain meds), I don't have the genuine fear response I usually have to that flavor. So, I can eat them all with no trouble, but I still don't think they taste all that good. The stem side also is very starchy, and even though they're seedless, it feels like there are seeds because there is a definite crunch. They are smaller than typical grapes and look identical to blueberries. A cute small thing with a funny name that doesn't taste very good and has a dino on the package? Not the worst thing in the world.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Crofter's Premium Spread - Seedless Blackberry

This is some top quality jam, for sure. I'm not sure how they got all the seeds out but I'm glad they did because normal blackberry jam has always been too crunchy for my preference. The texture is weirdly mushy, but that just means it's easier to spread. Less sweet than a standard jam, which I like, and no allergens or forbidden fruits. Kind of a mild flavor -- not sure I'd ID it as blackberry, but definitely some sort of berry. Very nice bagel topping. The bear is still cute.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [5$]
Taste: 7/10

Nordic Naturals Magnesium Citrate Gummies

Just when I thought I was out of the supplement game, they pulled me back in with these magnesium gummies! 10/10 docs have told me to take magnesium in (no joke) 4 different forms, which is a lot of magnesiums. I do eat veg, docs!! But anyway, citrate is supposed to be highly "bioavailable", and this company is among my trusted inner circle of supplement dealers, so why not add another weird sugary thing to my rotation of pills, gummies, elixirs, etc? And actually these are by far the best tasting supplement yet! Very mild blueberry flavor, no weird notes or chemical taste, no bitterness, no sugar crystals on the outside, none of that. Just a pleasant blue opaque gummy. The serving size is 3 which is stupid, but other than that, I have no complaints. Did they do anything for me health-wise? I guess it's too soon to say. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but I'm not very good at it. Nevertheless!

Overall
Cost: 4/10 (25$ for 20 days' supply)
Taste: 7/10

Gerb's Sun-Dried Tomatoes

Oh, no. Despite how unappealingly laryngeal these look in the picture, the real deal is even worse! They're basically black with occasional flecks of brown, red, and (mold?) white!! But they're brand new and supposedly last years, so I foolishly added some to my wrap du jour. Mistakes were made. They're So Salty and also So Tough and also taste like putrid earthy fungus. The ingredients are clean, though, and the company has a great allergy situation. Maybe I need to rehydrate them for a really long time first? I have a very large bag of these. Oh dear. At least I can still experience a range of taste experiences with my limited diet!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 3/10

Atoria's Traditional Lavash Flatbread

This is good. It has most of the qualities I presently desire in a foodstuff: no nuts, legumes, etc; no tyramine, histamine, preservatives, etc; tastes good; pre-packaged; versatile. It's extremely hard to find anything that fits those criteria! I got pita from this company before, and it was good, but it went bad super quickly. So I have been storing these in the freezer until I need them, which is honestly pretty annoying, but has worked to keep them mold-free (thus far). I just need to adjust to freezing and defrosting as part of my life. These are great for wrapping and folding, because they aren't dried out and therefore are easy to work with without breaking. They're a good size (i.e. big) but not particularly unhealthy, and they have a nice fresh bready taste. The only other downside is that no stores nearby actually carry these so I had to order a (very large!) order online, but since I can store them in the freezer it's all good. At least until the power goes out ^___^

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Philadelphia cream cheese

This is a classic ingredient. I'm not very into cream cheese with non-desserts, but it's OK. Just kind of boring on its own. But of course it is merely a blank slate for you to add flavor to, and Kraft has decently good allergy policy, so despite their pecan cream cheese (with real pecans!) I feel safe with this. It also supposedly has low tyramine even though it is a "cheese" (of sorts). I have been using this as a condiment replacer in wraps/sandwiches, because it is wet. Texturally it is good, taste wise it is extremely neutral. I still think bagels with a lot of plain cream cheese are gross though (don't disown me, blog fans)!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Fresh Express Spinach

This is spinach (or épinards, for you Canadians out there). I have always liked it because it is healthy and cronchy and green and gets so so small when you cook it and yet is so so big when you try to put it in a wrap or sandwich or something. Lately I am having a lot of chicken wraps with unaged cheese and spinach, and if I can be real with you, the highlight of those banal wraps is definitely the spinach. It is also good with pasta (less so rice) and of course for salads. The downsides of spinach: it gets slimy pretty fast in the fridge, and if you eat a lot of it it has an unpleasant gritty texture. Hard to hit that spinach sweet spot of Very Fresh and Just a Little, but if you do, it's solid.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10
Dear God I'm Reviewing Spinach: 9/10

Haribo - Harry Potter

God, sometimes I get so sad about how all the things I used to love are ruined by people being terrible. Of course the difference is there aren't R.Kelly and Pinker gummies being sent to me free in the mail (although that'd also be terrible). Anyway, as always I didn't buy this for myself and resent that it exists and wrote a negative review on the actual product site. But you get the real truth of it... in hopes that they rebrand as Scary Dotter gummies or something. Mm. For once they tell you the serving size in gummies: 6. Blessedly, these have a super weird rancid sweet flavor about half the time, so I don't yearn for a Dotter rebrand. They can just ef right off. The Ron and Hermione versions are essentially the same as Harry's, except the little red face is a different face and the animal is alternatively an owl, a rat, or a cat. After eating a lot of these, I determined that there's two 50/50 shots (both independent): having a white bottom and being weirdly gross tasting. So each shape is the same color but comes in four varieties, my favorite being white bottom x not gross and my least favorite being no white bottom x gross. Lol. 

Golden Snitch: Actually a Yellow Snitch; it's lemon sorbet flavor. This is worse than lemon flavor haribo (or maybe just the bad IP vibes sinking in?); it tastes a little rancid and rotten. I'm not getting lemon OR sorbet! Ick! (yay that ick)! 2/10

Blue Lightning Bolt: Cotton Candy flavor -- this also tastes weirdly rotten and bad. Hooray! Slightly more berry flavored than the snitch, but mostly not good. 5/10 

Yellow Letter: More lemon sorbet (bad) with a white bottom (doesn't cancel out the bad)! 3/10

Clear Owl/Rat: Hedwig? It's caramel, which tastes just like lemon sorbet (bad). Scabbers is the same, and Crookshanks too. They all have evil looking eyes, which is confusing. New Haribo canon? 3

Clear Mug 'o (Butter)beer: Caramel with foam bottom, but 50% of them were somehow not gross like the owl. IDK man. 6/10

Brown Hat: Cola with and without foam bottom. Now we're talking. 7/10

Green Potted Plant: apple, tastes good but what plant does Harry have!? Is my HP knowledge atrophied? (Probably for the best, but shocking) 8/10

Green 9 3/4 sign: with foam bottom; ALSO tastes weird as hell. what is happening?!?!?! 3/10 

Red Lumpy Circle: I guess this is supposed to be Harry et al's head? It's cherry, and tastes pretty good (or sometimes gross). Looks like a football most of the time.

Overall
Cost: 8/10
Taste: 5/10
Missing Out Factor: 2/10 :D 

Bigelow Peppermint Tea

I feel like someone who's hooking up with a bunch of different people with different qualities of an ex they never got over. This one has blonde hair. This one is a poet. This one speaks Spanish. This one is left-handed. But none of them are really what you wanted, are they?! My ex is coffee and this hot little number is not coffee. But it is 1) hot 2) a drink and 3) allergy-free. As well as, of course, being caffeine-free (unlike decaf, apparently (and I guess that's why they don't call it nocaf)). The only ingredient here is peppermint. That's nice and clean. Unfortunately it tastes like peppermint and didn't magically transform into something else via the process of hot water steepage. In terms of taste, I'd put it on a par with green tea. Not good, not exciting, but fine. It has a certain comfort just in being hot tea. And the mintiness is pretty subtle, not gross like a toothpaste or a breathmint or something non-ingesty. In that sense it serves its purpose. But does it bring me joy? Wakefulness? Satiation? Hope? A reason to live? It does not. I guess that's a lot of pressure to put on a drink. I would crumble under that kind of pressure. For now I will endeavor to accept the comfort this peppermint tea brings. Namaste.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Mott's Hot Apple Cider K-Cups

Mmm, delicious packaged foods. This feels like it should be forbidden, but there's no caffeine or artificial sweeteners or citrus, so I guess... it's not! I needed a break from morning cranberry juice, so I got these instead, which are much sweeter and less bitter. I was worried because I once had a little kool-aid packet of Mott's Apple Cider and I think it was terrible. But either this k-cup is much better or I am much more desperate for Hot Drink (possibly both). It is cinnamony, appley, and pleasant. Thanks, Motts! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

del Cabo Cherry Tomatoes

I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, I know. These are cherry tomatoes. They are in a fairly large container and they themselves are fairly large, too. Until recently I had a huge indoor tomato plant that gave me lots of (small) cherry tomatoes every week, but that plant died this summer along with my joie de vivre. So, here we are. These, like many tomatoes, are "fine". Good for rice, pasta, salad, etc. Not particularly sweet or juicy or anything, but not flavorless either.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Bluebonnet Earthsweet Chewables Vitamin B12

Now we're talking. I think this is the last of my supplement inventory, at least for now (the only other thing recommended to me was lots of different magnesiums that I can't find a suitable source for) and I saved the best for last. Don't get me wrong, this didn't do anything to heal me either, but it had the nicest form factor by far. It's a small pill shaped tablet, firm, and tastes like a vague sugar pill. I guess B12 is really small and that's why it can be in such a pleasant format(??). I find the dosage (something like 5000x DV) weird and unsettling, but I guess it's hard to force it past the brain-blood barrier, or something. I wish these did something for me because I'd happily take them eternally, but as it stands I'll just finish out the (60ct) bottle and cherish its memory. If you take B12 I highly recommend this one though!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10
Efficacy: 1/10

McCormick Vanilla Extract

This is a good vanilla extract. You use it in baking. Who among us hasn't had the experience of thinking this smells good, tasting it, and realising it is not meant to be consumed in such a fashion? You may try to save money by buying artificial vanilla extract instead, but you should not, because that one is much worse. This is the way to go.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [5$ for a small bottle]
Taste: 7/10

Signature Kitchens Whole Blueberries (Frozen)

I don't have much experience with frozen fruit, since I am dubious about Store Brand's allergy policy and since fresh fruit is much tastier, most of the time. But this was for a blueberry bread type bake, so frozen seemed cheaper and more straightforward. They were good! Whole berries, as promised, and no weird taste or color or issues of any sort. I would definitely get these again. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [3$]
Taste: 7/10

essentia water

Water is the new wine! Just kidding. Although it is a liquid that tastes extremely similar to other versions of itself, with vastly differing price points and markets. But I don't intend to try too many different packaged waters, even if I never drink wine again. The only reason I have this one is because I can't drink Gatorade etc presently (due to citric acid), but I was in the market for an electrolyte beverage. However, I got fully suckered in by the packaging here. This is just water. It is not an electrolyte beverage. There's like, 1 electrolyte. Which is only there "for taste". Hmph. Anyway, it tastes pretty good as bottled waters go. No plastic taste, very thick. Good body. Subtle notes of "my mouth". I never considered the acidity of water, but I suppose I'd rather less acidity, which is what this is (9.5 pH or higher!). Isn't water usually like 7? I'm not sure. I've entered my "I should really take biochem" era of food reviews. Learning is a lifelong journey! 

Overall
Cost: 4/10 (2$)
Taste: 6/10

Herb-Science Vitamin B2 Supplement

As far as supplement brands go, this one is on the less-legit-looking side. The name alone evokes suspicion. But B2 is apparently not available in a appropriate form via my already vetted sources, and although I am kind of out of energy to vet, this one does say that it is nut free. And the ingredients are only B2, water, and glycerin. Therefore I eye-dropped it into my juice as instructed. It doesn't have a noticeable taste (in juice), but it is a neon yellow color, which makes it seem legit. Also, this reminds me of a sign I saw on the church by my house:

   `The best vitamin for friendship is B1.'

I didn't understand it because I'm so deep in vitamin land that I forgot about language land! I was like, "what does that mean? Is that true? Should I also take B1????" But it's a silly and syntactically weird thing to say, anyway.

So, back to business. Does this do anything: no. Of course not! Well, (content warning?), it does make your pee really yellow, so that's something. But alas, I aspire to more.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10
Efficacy: 2/10

Fancypants Crispy Salted Caramel Cookies

These aren't very good for a cookie! So there! I like salty caramel but these mainly just taste like a salty (buttery) cookie. I guess caramel has a buttery note, but it doesn't come across like caramel here. There are distinct "bits" in the cookie to look at it, but they all sort of meld into the larger cookie of it all. Very crunchy and crumbly, if you like that. Unfortunately, very crunchy and crumbly if you don't like that, too. These do have cream in them, so they are forbidden, but you can't really taste the cream. Hmph.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

DeLallo Bucatini

Ah, pasta. This is a fun shape: spaghetti with a hole in the middle. (Bucatini is, of course, Italian for "lil holes".) That hole really adds something, too! They feel substantial but also a little chewier, even when cooked fully. There's something about these that I find whimsical. And without cheese or onion I will take my pasta whimsy where I can!! They take about 8 minutes to cook and are pretty filling. A top tier shape, to be sure. (The taste is the same as all other DeLallo pastas: fine.)

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Nordic Naturals CoQ10 Gummies

God, there's a whole world of supplements out there! So many people have told me their lives are everchanged by iron pills or vitamin D shots or whatever, so I guess it's possible something like that could happen to me, although it feels unlikely. Then again, what do I know? I'd never ever heard of CoQ10 ("Coenzyme Q10") before this month, because it doesn't have a daily value and so it isn't on food packaging, and also my last biology class was in... middle school. But apparently this helps with calming down bb's sensitive brain (I am bb). And it's in meat, nuts, and fish, which means it isn't crazy to think I'd have a low level of it. So, the search for an allergy-friendly source was on. Sadly my already vetted Bluebonnet did not have a suitable form, so I had to look elsewhere, and this was the most legit company I could find. (Nature's Bounty and Nature's Own are both unwilling to declare themselves nut-free, and they seem to be the biggest in the supp game.) Even though they make a lot of fish oil stuff, I was able to contact someone there who assured me there's no nut/fish/legume in these bad boys. So, that's one hurdle down. 

But they are bad, boys. These are very soft gummies, as if someone tried to make a good candy but did a bad job with the formulation and it melted and has a weird strawberry taste and maybe sugar on the outside??? And it says to take with food?? Good thing I don't enjoy Food anymore because this would render any adjacent meal pretty unpalatable, like strawberry flavored kids toothpaste. 

That said, I'm not taking these for taste, and they didn't kill me, so that's half the battle. The other half is: will they actually do anything?! It's too soon to tell, but I don't have any new foods to review, so you're getting this word vomit instead. If I am magically healed I will be sure to check back! :)

Overall
Cost: 4/10 [Like 24$, dang]
Taste: 5/10
Efficacy: ???/10

Langers 100% All Cranberry Juice

For those days when you can't have coffee, tea, hot choco, seltzer, or alcohol, there's always 100% Cranberry Juice! I remember in my peak covid era feeling a similar way, so at least my past woes are paying present dividends. Sometimes it is nice to drink something other than water, but also something that's not Forbidden. I'd never heard of Langers, but this is indeed 100% cranberry juice, no sugar added, the same exact stats as the Ocean Spray version. At first sip I thought "yo this is bitter and terrible, I feel my teeth dissolving as we speak", but like all the great drinks (see sentence 1 for list of great drinks), it gets better the more you have. Still not quite as tasty as ocean spray, but maybe a blind taste test would reveal that's just my prejudice talking. If things get truly dire, I'll propagate this blog with such riveting content as cranberry juice taste tests!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Bluebonnet Earth Sweet Chewables - Calcium Magnesium & Vitamin D3

Are supplements food? No, they are not. Do they have any consistent allergy labeling at all? No, they do not!! So for these reasons (plus my inherent skepticism), the only supplement I'd ever taken til recently is your classic childhood Flintstones Vitamins. Plus, my dietary labs have always been fine (thanks, Toaster Strudel). But now I've reached the "I will try literally anything" level of medical misery, so it's all aboard the supplement train. Luckily this company has very transparent labelling, and they were quick to respond to my queries about legumes (no legumes). Unluckily there is citric acid & raspberry in here, which I am supposed to avoid for dubious brain diet reasons, but it's got to be a pretty small amount, right? 

A serving is 2 Tums-size tablets. The taste is "tums" and the texture is "tums". Are these just tums? They aren't a joy to eat or anything, but they aren't objectionable. The real question is: do they do anything? In my case, the answer is no, but I didn't have any direct evidence that I was deficient in any of these substances to begin with. Plus it's only been about 3 weeks since I started. I will probably finish the bottle and then not buy another bottle, but I would not have a problem with resuming the Tums life if somebody said I should.

Overall
Cost: 5/10 (20$ish)
Taste: 5/10
Efficacy: 1/10

Blueberry Toaster Strudel

I'm glad I got to try these before embarking on my restrictive new "brain calming diet"! These hard-to-find blueberry strudels are superior to all the red-filled strudels, and possibly even to the apple strudels. King of Strudels! The filling also was much colder than in other flavors, even with the same 2 toaster cycles as always, but maybe my freezer is colder or some other wacky variable. In a way, I am now motivated to stay alive so I have a chance at healing and eating these again. At the same time, let's be honest, the toaster strudel ceiling is not quite that high, so maybe those are some desire-for-what-once-was goggles talking.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls Cereal

Here we have cinnamon toast crunch in circular disc form, with small dark spirals on top. The whole disc tastes the same, which is very unlike a cinnamon roll in actuality. It is also crunchy, which we hope is unlike a cinnamon roll in actuality. But the taste is not quite "cinnamon toast crunch", it's a little less cinnamon sugar and a little more "roll flavor", whatever that is. This is to its detriment. It is a fine sugary cereal but on the low tier for sugary cereals.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Fancypants Chocolate Chip Cookies

Cookies! Chocolate chip cookies! One of my pile o' doctors has recently suggested that I abstain from chocolate, caffeine, cheese, and alc (otherwise known as my "CORE FOUR"), which is much more disruptive of a task than it has any right to be. But it makes my memory of these cookies all the sweeter! O cookies! How I yearn for you! 

Like the oatmeal raisin ones, these are small, cronchy, and very buttery. Unlike the oatmeal raisin ones, those are sensible notes for a chocolate chip cookie, so it was good. Was it as good as a fresh homemade chewy cookie? Of course not. But was it better than any other bagged chocolate chip cookie? Might just be. Will I ever eat a cookie again? Almost definitely. Should I switch to reviewing medicines instead of food? Probably not, but stay tuned!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 8/10

TGI Friday's Mozzarella Sticks (frozen)

After telling my family about the 10 year anniversary of the TGI Friday's Endless Mozzarella Stick article, which I emotionally connected to, I saw these and thought "why not?". Why not, indeed. I now know that I would have many of the same feelings that article writer did, such as "Why didn't I pick something else?" and "I need to vom". These come with a packet of marinara sauce which tastes very similar to the lunchables pizza sauce -- kind of sweet. Although I like to dip things in sauces, I think these are better on their own. The sticks themselves are very weird: flat, the cheese doesn't stretch, and it's more like a chicken nugget in consistency. Perhaps tastes like a mozzarella stick flavored product, but isn't a mozzarella stick (i.e. there's no tasty stringy oily cheese in there). This is not a food I anticipate any future yearnings for. It also comes in a weird amount (7) considering the serving size (3). Let's just say it took me longer than one business day to finish the box. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10