Jolly Rancher Freeze Dried

I waited an impressively long time to buy these, if I do say so myself, and that's because I've had enough freeze dried fruit to last me a lifetime. But surely candy is more delicious? (I do prefer fresh fruit to candy, but frozen fruit is a whole other sad story.) Well, no. I should have waited a little longer.

Anyway, these are much bigger orbs than I expected! Like a little solar system model ready to be constructed in there! Weirdly, the blue ones are huge and the pink and green less so. Too bad because just like the Jolly Rancher Ropes of horror, the blue ones are the worst. They taste exactly the same as the funky ropes (4/10). Like, 100%. But the form factor seems less disturbing here; it's basically a big captain crunch cereal piece. The watermelon taste just like the hard candy, and were weirdly polished, totally spherical, like a marble (6/10). The green ones were similar, also polished and akin to the sour hard candy, although a bit more artificial tasting than the pink (5/10). I can imagine a small child enjoying these, but I, a large child, did not. A failure of candy innovation! Plus, my teeth wept.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10  

Pop-Tarts Crunchy Poppers Frosted Strawberry

Good god. Well, as poppers go, these are probably your safest option! No wonder they're so bad. The taste is somehow worse than regular pop tart, kind of like a weird green tea flavored off-brand pocky. The texture is oddly firm (thus the name, I guess), but not really crunchy, since the inside is kind of chewy and there's not a lot of distance between outside and inside. I will say, they're cute, as all stupid little miniature versions of foods are. But there are better cute foods out there. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10 

 

PS - Jane here's also going through it vis-à-vis a lack of poppers:

AMC Theatres Ready to Eat Popcorn, Classic Butter

If this is what movie theater popcorn tastes like (and as far as I remember it basically is, it's just been 20 years or so since I've had it), I'm not really missing out! This is just, like, regular popcorn with a lot of salt and butter flavor. It's also bright yellow from riboflavin added for color, which makes me lol as a riboflavin-taker since I say "wow, this is so yellow!" pretty much every morning when I add riboflavin to whatever I'm drinking. Weird also that the front of the bag says "artificially flavored" but there aren't artificial flavors in the ingredos, just coconut oil, which I guess is the artificial butter flavor (but it's not artificial, it's just not butter -- wait, what does artificial even mean?? new semantics squib unlocked). Anyway, the texture is pretty stale/chewy, even though it's nowhere near expiry, and the taste is like burnt oily paper. It's a little denser than your microwave popcorns, so it fulfills some sort of popcorn box, but it's not particularly good, and I think the skinnypop/angie's/etc are tastier. Don't sleep on that tagline ("perfectly popcorn"), either; talk about an all-timer. Perfectly tagline.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Knorr Buffalo Chicken Pasta Sides

Noodle pack, my beloved! It's been ages since I've had one of these, even though I basically subsisted on them from age 10-24, because I was worried about their salt-bombiness. (Also this has MSG in it, and onion powder, which are brain diet non-approved, although I'm still not sure I believe in that stuff.) But this is a new flavor, so I gotta try it. It's soy-free and has the nice spiral noodle shape we know and love from cheddar-broccoli-flavor. I don't really like buffalo chicken flavored things, but that's fine because the main flavor notes here are: noodle pack and slight mouth burning. I guess a little chicken broth. There's no cheddar or broccoli in it, and yet if you told me this was the cheddar broccoli flavor with a little hot sauce or red pepper added, I'd say "well OK, but why'd you do that to it?". It is good because noodle pack is good but would be better if it were just cheddar broccoli noodle pack. However, if you love chicken broth and mild heat, or hate cheddar or broccoli, this could be the introduction to the noodle pack lifestyle you were waiting for! (In the age old question, "Am I nostalgic for my youth because of the noodle packs, or nostalgic for noodle packs because of my youth?", the answer is 100% the first one)

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 7/10 

Jolly Rancher Ropes Blue Raspberry and Cherry Flavored Candy

Just because a candy is allergen-free does not mean it will be good, and these are a great example. However, I do trust Hershey's labelling. And one of the primary ingredients here (like actually, above ~10 other things) is "artificial flavors". Never a good sign. The texture is compellingly stretchy play-doh-ish, although that might just be because my house is 5000 degrees. But although the stickiness is unpleasant, they are pretty fun to stretch out, like a cheese stick or something. Does not add to their "foodstuff" profile, however. The two flavors are pretty different; blue raspberry is straight up bad (4/10), and tastes like strange artificial pool noodle. I actually got more "green apple" than blue raspberry from it, if anything. Much better texture than the similarly plastic filled twizzlers, at least. (Fool me once...). The cherry one is definitely better (6/10); it tastes pretty close to the cherry jolly rancher hard candy, with not too much artificiality (or medicinalness, for that matter). I will eat them all in time, but half will be a mild punishment and half will be a mild treat. Perfect for end-of-month work task motivation! 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10

Consalo Family Farms Green Onions

Ironically, this actually IS a local veggie (New Jersey being plenty local, if you know what I mean), but it didn't come in my veg box, it was just at the store. Good job, store. Now I'm not a big onion fan, only a small onion fan. Well, these are scallions, which are less good than shallots, but generally fine when used in rice and similar dishes. I got them to cook in some healthy goat-cheese-and-egg veggie muffin things (which are overall mid tasting, but solid breakfast meal prep), and they were fine in their role, though I really think the muffins would taste better without them. But as a green onion, these did not do anything wrong. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10 

San Pellegrino Ciao! Cherry

Ciao! I am happy to see this product line, because I've always liked the normal San Pellegrino ethos, but found them to be too sweet. Now they're following the Spindrift model of "put just a little bit of actual juice in there", which is a great model. I decided to try out a fun drink because it's a Heat Wave and my house is, of course, 100+ degrees. However, I forgot that now I have OAS and Real Fruit makes me itchy. Surely fruit concentrate is like, heated at some point, and therefore shouldn't make me itchy? (I have an allergist appointment in August and will inquire about this, so stay tuned.) Anyway, maybe it's just the heat!? My physical form really stinks. 

But this drink only stinks a little bit. The cherry is "sweet cherry", and for the first time I think I can distinguish between sweet and tart cherry, and I can say that sweet cherry is the medicine one. You'd think medicine would be tart, but no no. This is full on medicinal (whereas the tart one's juice was kinda like cranberry, which was good). But it's also a little bit sweet and got that orange/lemon undertone that all the SanPelis have, which makes it more palatable. However, cherry is not the move, unless it's paired with lime. They shoulda done lime. I will try another flavor later since I think I am mostly not that itchy and not dead in any case. Ciao!

Overall
Cost: 5/10 [6.50 for 6]
Taste: 6/10 

Eggo French Toaster Sticks - Cinnamon

Boy, do I have some complaints! I went to the store looking for some frozen French Toast, and come to discover, there is none anymore. What!? So apparently the renamed Pearl Milling Company had a recall about 6 years ago and never resumed making french toast after that. They were my go-to! My childhood toast! And there weren't any store brand options or Eggo options, either. The next best thing, I guessed, would be french toast sticks, but they didn't have Murray's, just these Eggo french toastER sticks. I had assumed the -ER was for, like, copyright or something, but now I'm thinking it's because these aren't french toast at all, just batter in bread form that you put in your toast-er. No egginess, fluffiness, no nothin'. They taste exactly like a nookless Eggo waffle, which makes sense, but I yearned for French Toast and not waffle!! (Also, the appeal of a waffle is surely the nooks.) These are also marketed as Eggo For Kids®, which (a) haha @ me, but also, (b) is sensible because all my whiny "i hate any flavor or texture" adult kid friends would probably eat these. I guess it's good there is a breakfast equivalent of dinosaur chicken nuggets, and they are nut-free and have a cute lady toast mascot, so it's not bad, it's just I'm baffled by the total and sudden disappearance of what I considered one of the big 3 frozen breakfast bread products. Now the freezer is full of Jimmy Deans and Protein Mini Waffles. The 1900s are over for real, I guess.  

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10
Crisis of lost youth: 9/10 

Goldfish - Strawberry Shortcake Grahams

In for a penny (of goldfish), in for a pound (of goldfish). These look just as cute as all the other fish flavors, but they aren't as enjoyable. Even though the strawberry flavor is natural, it has a pretty strong "strawberry flavor" taste, which is turns out is not very good in a cracker (as opposed to a strawberry or an iced cream, the two places strawberry flavor is delicious). Other than that, I guess there's a bit of shortcakeitude, and there's sugar crystal coating too, but even so it's very "white chocolate strawberry milano", which is to say, not my favorite. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

village farms - maverick mix tomatoes

I could have sworn I reviewed these already, but nope, that was Wild Wonders! I tell you what, the US tomato landscape has really evolved over the last 20 years. When I was a kiddo we were lucky to have cherry tomatoes (red), and now there's like 5 sizes in 5 colors. Very good. Gotta take the wins where you can, I guess. Anyway, this is a good mix, despite (or in addition to?) the absurd name. These were mostly grape tomatoes, and small ones, but they were all very fresh, and there really was a good mix of purple, yellow, red, and shades thereof. Good flavor, lots of tomatoes per package, and generally a fun product that I probably would have gotten obsessed with instead of Jell-O as a teen if it were available to me. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Lakeside Organic Gardens Sweet Baby Broccoli

I could have sworn I already reviewed this, but no, that was CREEKside Organics. What a world. This is, shocker, very similar to the other sweet baby brocco. Not sweet, mostly baby. Not too many yellow flowers yet, but lots of leaf and not as much stalk as I'd like in my brocco. Tastes very mild, no issues, but I still prefer adult brocco. I also have a stomach ache, but I think that's from rice and not the brocco. (Why does rice give me a stomach ache 70% of the time? Best not to worry about it, probably.)

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 

Partake Snickerdoodle Soft Cookies

Alas... another bad cookie. The reason these were available in my veg box (and the bad lemon ones too) is that Partake has a "new formula" now, so maybe they have become a bit less gross recently. But for now, they're very heavy on the foot vibes. I do like that there are oats in, and the texture (somewhat soft, but mostly Firm like a Nantucket) is not terrible even though it's not really what I'd call soft. The taste is mostly unobjectionable slightly sweet bready dough, but there's a weird fake cinnamon note, like in the bad [[apple jack] [pop tarts]]. This taste is now in my bottom 3 tastes, and I am tasting little notes of it everywhere. I don't think it's just what cinnamon tastes like, because I put cinnamon in my oat meal and that is pleasant and fine. This is like a lab-created [red hot] dust or something. But just a little bit of it. Am I lost in space? Maybe. But these cookies are not good. I didn't even eat more than the serving size, which is extreeeeeemely rare for me and cookies! And unlike the lemon ones, they didn't mildly grow on me as I consuméd. Happy Father's Day.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10 

Goldfish Cinnamon Roll Grahams

Yes. These are good. A real bounce back from the Old Bay goldfish!! Of course, sweet > savory. They have the cute fish shape with a nice teddy graham taste. Actually, they are softer and butter-ier than a teddy graham, and therefore markedly more delicious. A nice cinnamon sugar coating. Plus a serving is 33! Very good snack. Nut free of course. It does taste a lot like a cinnamon roll; props to Gold Fish Inc. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10 

Green Mountain Breakfast Blend Decaf

You'd think I'd be into decaf coffee and alcohol-free beer, since I love the ritual of Drinking, but it's never really interested me. Maybe because the taste is basically bad without the caf/alc to make it worth one's while. This one in particular, at least, tastes pretty bad. I bet the decaf dunkin is superior. Anyway, it's not all that smooth or fruity or anything I would like in a cofe. Suddenly I get where the "cup of mud" metaphor came from. But this is still better than tea (regular or decaf). I know because I drank them back to back, because I have a problem.

Overall
Cost: 10/10
Taste: 5/10 

Bigelow Premium Tea 100% Ceylon

Ceylon, for those of you who weren't around in the 70s, is tea from Sri Lanka, which used to be called that (until 1972). I am not enough of a tea drinker to have location-based tea preference, so this is your run of the mill black tea to me. It's fine. Actually, you'd think drinking a hot drink on the first 90+ degree day in my house would be horrible, but it distracts me a little from the heat, which is a pro. Just a little. This was another hotel freebie, so it's got that to recommend it also. 

Overall
Cost: 10/10
Taste: 5/10 

Old Bay Goldfish

Hm. Well. This is a cute bag design. I live in Old Bay country, and Old Bay is just a seasoning (no cumin or untoward legumes or anything in it; it's mainly celery seed and salty peppers), yet because they use it on crabs, I always associate it with crabs, which I am allergic to, and so I end up not liking it. It's so briny!! If you like Old Bay and very salty things, you will like these. If it weirds you out and/or you disprefer the non-cheese savory goldfishes as I apparently do, stay away. The flavor is pretty strong even though the seasoning quantity isn't that high in terms of coverage. They should call it Bold Bay. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10 

Gushers Watermelon & Sour Apple

One of the best things about watching little kiddos is the snacks! But these snacks are a little bit gross. Whoopsie. The watermelon one tastes like watermelon, which is never my favorite flavor-of-thing, but is fine. The sour apple one is like, way too sour, especially for kiddos. It's got a bit of Plant-Potpourri vibe and also a bit of "scented plastic in some dirt" to go along with it. So, not great. The gusher form factor is still a win though. 

Gushers do remind me of one of my favorite stories, from Survivor player Cochran (first name "John") -- when he was calling in a food order one time they asked if they could get a name, and he said "uh, sure, John" and they thought he said "Usher John" aka the singer Usher and got very excited. This is a relatable tale that always makes me lol. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 5/10  

Ben's Original Whole Grain Brown Rice

What a relief to be home safe in the land of My Own Rice. Brown rice is not quite as delicious as white rice, at least when you add the usual egg/garlic/veg/chicken to it, but it does seem more filling. I guess there's marginally more protein/iron/calos in it, but I'm not a rice scientist. I guess it's the same situation as the wheat~white pasta distinction, huh? A slight sweetness in the whole grain. Anyway, rice is great. Cheap, quick, easy, filling, no weird allergens, I guess there's toxic metals but like, whatever. 

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 6/10 

Ben's Original Ready Rice - Tikka Masala

These are really convenient for travel, since you just heat and eat. They're also convenient for building empathy for old people who struggle with change, since I keep calling this by its old name and then stuttering in embarrassment. Anyway, as a flavor it's whatever. The smell was very strong; I thought turmeric but I read it as "sweet" like those vadham teas. Even though I know it's not sweet. I guess clove-y. Cloves are often paired with ham, which is a sweet meat. Ergo. Anyway, the rice is nice delicate basmati, and the flavor is not particularly strong, but it's not my favorite rice flavor profile -- I prefer the Spanish rice much more, or even plain. I am a sensitive soul though, especially lately. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 5/10

Green Mountain Colombia Select k-cup

It's been a minute since I non-Dunked! These are nut-free though. Another Holiday Inn room drink. A very smooth one. I forgot how different non-Dunkin' cofes can be. In fact, this didn't really even taste like coffee to me, to the extent that I was worried the machine was broken and just splooting water. So if you like that, take a hike up the Green Mountain. I don't hate it (but I don't prefer it).

Overall
Cost: 10/10 (free)
Taste: 6/10 

Stauffer's Lemon Snaps

Oops, it's another unintentional cookie era! These are made in York, PA, which is very close to both my hometown and my home town. Yet I can't find Stauffer's cookies anywhere (except for the boring plain animal crackers). Somehow in Ohio, there they are! So I had to try this lemon snap, since I like their ginger snap so much. I never met a lemon cookie I didn't at least find pleasant, and these are similarly pleasant. Same bright lemon flavor you expect, plus the nice firm, round, ginger snap texture. No ginger flavor though -- a lemon/ginger hybrid would probably be good!! Anyway, these too are good, nothing unusual or unexpected, but I do prefer the ginger snap for both comfort and flavor (and uniqueness).

Overall
Cost: 6/10 [3$ish]
Taste: 7/10 

Lofthouse Patriotic Shortbread Cookies

The thing about a memorial day-adjacent birthday is that you get a lot of patriotism in your [[sad birthday] cookies]. Not [sad [birthday cookies], because patriotism aside, these are pretty satisfying. They aren't cakey like those big lofthouse circles; more of a typical shortbread with a reasonable (ish) quantity of icing and an unreasonable (in a good way) amount of sprinkles. Crucially, these are nut free and also legume free. They're far from sugar-free, of course, but hey, it's my birthday!!(ish). Here's to 30 more years of unhinged blogging about my food terrors and compulsions! \o/

Overall 
Cost: 5/10 [6$ish]
Taste: 7/10

Bigelow Premium Tea - Decaffeinated

Thanks to the Ohio Holiday Inn for providing this nice allergy-free tea. The trouble with a travel tea is that I didn't pack a travel mug, so the water can only get so hot given my limited resources. But, if it's perfect hot or iced!, it's probably perfect tepid too. (Maybe perfect is a bit strong). Anyway, this is black tea, my preferred tea color, so it tastes just like all the uninspiring yet comforting teas I've had this past year. Away from home I have plenty of inspiration and not that much comfort, so I appreciate it! Hilton (my usual hotel chain of choice) should take note.

Overall
Cost: 10/10 (free)
Taste: 5/10 (tea) 

Haribo Berries

Today a new part of my body has become numb (my back!) so in search of emotional and/or physical relief, I decided it was time to sample these jaunty Haribo berries. I always assumed they were licorice, so avoided them, but they aren't! They're raspberry and blackberry flavor, I think. Which makes sense because they look like those things. This is an adorable conceit; like a gumdrop covered in sprinkles. Not firm at all. Extremely sugary, maybe even verging on "too sweet" (in my opinion, I mean, not in John Q. Dietician's opinion). Very different from any other Haribo (in a good way). I think the red one is marginally more delicious. 

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 7/10