Partake Ginger Snap (Crunchy)

I guess I'm accidentally in the midst of my Bad Cookie era. They don't make the soft baked ginger snaps anymore, which had a nice strong ginger flavor. These do not have a strong ginger flavor. They primarily taste like "weird Partake cookie"; I suppose a result of the gluten-free (buckwheat heavy) flour mix they use. There's a very small ginger note, which I like because any ginger note is good. And there's no snap. But they are, to be sure, a cookie, and I like that. Good car cookie. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Partake Vanilla Wafers

This is so disappointing. Cookies, man. They ain't what they used to be. (We used to read a cool paper in my semantics class about how "ain't" was used to index authenticity but now I don't talk about it because I don't want to deal with the complaints. I could never work for a cookie company or the bad reviews would bring me to death's door. Anyway,) these are small and crunchy. I eat them in the car. They taste like slightly vanilla nothing. Airy. Not bad. Not good. Not anything. 

They look pretty on the package though.


Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Dr. Pepper Peeps

Often I ask myself: What if instead of being bad, I didn't be? I wonder if these Dr Peepsers ever do the same. I like a peep now and again (when on Easter sale, pretty much), and I like a Dr Pepper compared to other sodas, and yet this is very much the minus of its parts. (Happens a lot with these gimmicky food combos, I feel). They are regular peep innards with a Doctor Pep flavored sugar coating. And indeed it's accurate, but they don't go together. This serves no one. Also the eyes were badly applied so they were like little 4-eyed alien peeps, which would be cute if they were delicious, but they aren't so it wasn't (the lament of every uggo, self very much included)!

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 5/10

Dum-Dums

Dum-Dums are the rice of lollipops -- they are good if you want to eat a lot of something. Also, they have no allergens and are very tiny, so they are good for school (and for me to eat the leftovers in my sad office hours when inevitably studos don't really want Dum Dums). They are also a funny name! And there's a high number of flavors! What's not to like? Well, OK, some of the flavors are bad. And they're very small. And the sticks are kinda gross sometimes because they're made out of paper. And they aren't wrapped super well so sometimes you find yourself just touching sugar accidentally. But hey, the negatives are outweighed by the positives, in my opinion. Here's my to-be-added-to flavor ranking:

1. Cream soda: Very good, and there's no other cream soda candy out there to compete. Much better than the soda itself, creamy and light citrus, plus that soda-flavor bitterness. I think I love all soda flavored candies really. 8/10
2. Butterscotch: This is almost an exact dupe of the yellow-wrapped butterscotch hard candies, which is nostalgically miss (all may-contains now). Lovely. 7/10
3. Lemon-lime: Not only is this an S-tier flavor, but the wrapper gives me 60s nostalgia (inherited from my dad). Magilla Gorilla, anyone? Tastes like very mild limey lemon. 7/10
4. Sour apple: This has a nice, bright, sour apple taste, like the tootsie pop candy apple. Not too sweet, with a pleasant tartness (thus the name I guess). 7/10
5. Blue raspberry: This is a classic dum-dum flavor; it tastes very blue. Has a subtle sourness which elevates it beyond generic blue candy. 7/10
6. Root beer: Told you I like the soda flavor candies! Even though I don't like root beer (the drink) much at all. These are not quite as fun as the root beer barrels of my youth, but they are still fun in evoking them. 7/10
7. Orange: There aren't really a lot of orange-flavored candies apart from these and Tootsie Pop, right? I guess because it's not very exciting (and a little bit medicinal, but in a candy-ish cough drop way). Still, I like oranges, and now that I can't eat them I will settle for this orange-flavored lolly. 6/10
8. Pineapple: This is a unique flavor for hard candy! A cute yellow color, and an accurate taste (although a little canned pineapple-ish because it's so sweet). 6/10
9. Bubble gum: Who wants a lollipop that tastes like bubble gum? But the flavor is accurate. The bubble gum jelly bean is superior, though. 6/10
10. Mystery: Gotta be in the middle, because the mystery really could be any flavor. Sometimes it's grape, which is horrible and medicinal, but sometimes it's root beer or butterscotch, which are tasty. 6/10
11. Cotton candy: Extremely mid. Sugary. Aren't they all? 6/10
12. Fruit punch: A funny little flavor. It tastes just like Hawaiian Punch, i.e. an artificial "red" drink flavor. Not my favorite, but pretty unique among lollies and I guess nostalgic for the 90s, when such punches were trendy. 6/10
13. Cherry: Tastes like medicine, but at least it's red. And a lollipop and not medicine. 5/10
14. Strawberry: Pretty bad; doesn't taste like medicine but instead tastes a little bit like it got contaminated by soap or something, even though it didn't. Missing something that those cute strawberry-wrapped hard candies have, alas. 5/10
15. Grape: Tough call between this and strawberry for worst flavor, but I think grape takes it. Strong concord flavor, like grape juice, which I hate. Also tastes like medicine, which I hate. Tastes like how it's meant to, though, I think. 4/10
?. Peach mango: I didn't eat this one (mango allergy fear), so I have no rating. Bet it's good!

Overall
Cost: 7/10
Taste: 7/10

Gourmet Garden Basil Paste

This concept is fucked (unless you need it for disability or whatever). Well, I guess in a roundabout way, I need it for disability or whatever: I'm too physically and/or mentally ill these days to take care of the repertoire of herbs I used to grow at home (basil/parsley/rosemary/dill/sage/cilantro), so they've all died (except some crispy parsley still hanging on.... though not for long, I fear), and my store didn't have any fresh basil (classic). So, I bought this thing. In its defense, this seems very convenient, doesn't have any allergens, and lasts much longer than fresh basil. It's also about the same price. Compared to the weird frozen garlic blops I bought when I was in a similar store-didn't-have-garlic scenario, this tastes much more similar to Normal Non-Tube Basil. It also smells the same as fresh basil. And since I was blending it into a sauce, the texture difference did not present a problem. So, what am I complaining about? I don't know, it's just very unappealing, since I mostly see basil as a topper or garnish and I don't want a toothpaste looking sludge as a garnish. But, maybe it has its place. Maybe I'll come around on basil tube after a few more gos at it.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10
Tube: Hmm/10

triscuit thin crisps - applewood barbecue

Blech. This should really be a 5, but since it didn't actively kill me I'm bumping it to a 6. I also like the box font. It's like a feminine hygiene product. What a stupid euphemism, by the way. 

I've always hated triscuits because they taste like a basket. But they are linguistically interesting (Blogger wants to autocorrect it to "biscuit"!) and they remind me of all the good times I had telling posh Euro-dudes that the only US-based cracker they like (triscuit) is bad and tastes like a basket. Ah, memories. Anyway, I'm doing real bad still, so we cherish the memories while we still have them. And also, I guess, the triscuits. These are thinner than normal so they're actually way more manageable than the OG. But the BBQ seasoning is to their detriment. It's just regular BBQ chip type seasoning, and there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it doesn't go with basket. Smells bad. Maybe just my brain talking. (Ha ha... isn't it always.... so true). 

On the plus side, I have several students in one of my classes this semester who have disclosed some neurological issue(s) to me (unprompted!!!!). Concussions, strokes, migraines, unspecified mystery issues (!). I like to think maybe they've keyed in on a type of gaydar for brain trauma. Or maybe they just needed an easy class because their brains are exploding and heard I'd fit the bill. Either way, I aspire to be like these triscuits (kinda bad, smells not great even though not expired, always there if you need 'em, some day you'll look back and think "we had good times, didn't we?"). 

Overall
Taste: 6/10
Cost: 5/10
Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space: Yep/Yep

Orville Redenbacher's White Cheddar Popcorn Seasoning

This past week I've unlocked a new symptom of unknown provenance: sporadic full body numbness and itchy tingling, which, in concert with my general allergy anxiety, has made me kinda unhappy about eating. It's like when your sick kid's only willing to eat ice cream so you give them ice cream. For me, I guess ice cream is this popcorn seasoning. I only gave it a shake or two, so there isn't much flavor to go on, but there's apparently 91 servings in here (1/4 tsp each) so I think I got approximately one serving. I suspect more might be gross, although I haven't tested that yet. The main flavor note is, like, MSG. Not a real strong cheese flavor, although kind of a "this is powder that would be on a goldfish cracker" flavor. Vaguely sweet(?!) and not especially buttery. I guess it's solid. I also had to rewrite about 300 words in this entry, so I think the numbness etc may be a flare of the ol' migraine(/MS/seizures/whatever the heck I've got going on neurologically). I feel like a jello mold. But at least I smell like popcorn!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Special K Strawberries & Crème Cereal

Not to k-hole on main, but it always weirded me out as a kid that there's a drug-named cereal marketed as a health cereal. Of course, I later found out the the cereal came first and the drug name was a play off of it. Kellogg's won the long game by keeping the name, since I don't think anyone really even calls ketamine Special K anymore. Anyway, I wish this were drugs and not cereal. But I'm on that full cereal, no drugs life (for all the good it does me!!). 

Much like frozen brocco, there's way too many similar varieties of Special K on offer. This particular one is not even on Kellogg's's website, or any website, but I have it in my hands so I know that it's real. It's actually much tastier than the 'Strawberry Cheesecake' flavor, since it's less artificial. Here we have flakes (classic), weird yogurt clumps (made me nervous and look kinda gross, but taste like a trail mix yogurt clump), and little bits of oat cluster (good). There is also an essence of dried strawberry, but no real strawberry pieces, and that's quite alright since I'd prefer no essence of dried strawberry at all. Pretty sweet and fatty for a health cereal -- in fact, maybe this isn't even intended to be health cereal and I just assumed it was because it sounded gross to me as a kid. The milk becomes very pink and I like that. It's also pretty filling. Special (bric)K. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10 (but like, 6.5/10 though)

Kellogg's Original Squishmallows Ceral

I'm probably not the target audience for this, but when has that ever stopped me? I aspire to consume every new food I'm not allergic to, especially if it's stupid. 

The immediate smell of this is weird, like Halloween candy or something. The taste is at first remarkably like Rice Krispie treats cereal (my beloved) - marshmallowy (and this is the cereal bits mind you) and metallic, which is a rare combo. But then it quickly morphs into something much less pleasant -- the stale, artificially colored corn that it is, I guess. Pleasant Apple Jack-y texture. Nice vanilla-y leftover milk. Very few marshmallows per grain-'O', unless they all sunk to the bottom. I don't know if anyone will especially like this, but it is better than the average stupid new cereal, if only marginally.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter (Salted)

Butter, obviously, improves the taste of many things. This butter is from a great company (at least, ingredient-transparency-wise) and might cost 5 billion dollars soon, so I had to get some while the getting's good. The 8oz package is much cheaper than half of the 1lb package, and it's also a more appropriate size for me. But it's not in sticks, it's just a thick rectangle, so the portioning-out process is a little bit annoying. Nevertheless, with the right tools, you can make it work for you. 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

R.W. Knudsen Organic Lower Sugar Cranberry Juice

At first I thought this was labelled as "lower sugar" because it's just 100% cranberry juice, i.e. no sugar or other juices added, which is the kind of cranberry juice I want. But it's actually "lower sugar" than their normal (100% cranberry) cranberry juice, which means this simply has Extra Water. Yes, it is lower sugar because they added water. This is, frankly, absurd. There's no limit to how far that gambit could go. Next they'll be adding air to chips and calling it low-fat chips (spoiler: they already do this). Anyway, annoying marketing, but the juice is good. I guess they didn't add THAT much water because it still has a nice cranberry flavor, and for people who are bitter babies (that is: babies about bitter food (and no judgment, I am a baby about many foods for a variety of reasons)), this might even be preferable. The only trouble with this is that it makes me want to drink alc! 

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

village farms heavenly villagio marzano tomatoes

If people aren't giving you grace, you gotta give yourself grace. I am trying to do that right now, by reviewing these tomatoes instead of (metaphorically?) killing myself to do Tasks. Is reviewing tomatoes not a task, you ask? It isn't. It's like a meditation. So too is eating tomatoes. Move over, raisin meditation. This is a cool bag, and the contents are also cool. The tomatoes are long and wrinkly. Not roma, but (san) marzano, which is a type of tomato I was not even aware was a type of tomato until now. Pointier and less juicy, I guess. But in a good way. They lasted a long time without molding. I don't know what else you could expect from a tomato.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10

Sargento 4 Cheese Mexican Traditional Cut ~ Off the Block

Move over, reduced fat mexi-shreds! It's full fat time! I get this 4 cheese blend whenever a recipe calls for American, Colby, or Monterrey Jack cheese, since my store only has those in the deli counter, which is allergy central. We make do, do we not? But this cheese is plenty tasty. And it melts well, which is the main consideration usually. It's also non-aged, so theoretically fine for brain diet hangers-on (i.e. me depending on mood). Is it any better than the reduced fat version? I think the taste is actually pretty similar, but the texture is a bit less stiff, which is an improvement. Also, I feel cooler eating this one. You know, like the Gone Girl version. So it is what it is.

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10

Sour Patch Kids Glow Ups

Who asked for this? "The first ever candy to glow under a blacklight"?? I mean, I'm not against it -- I like the stupid cooling Icee cereal, so I also like this. It's just a funny product. I wonder if it will encourage anyone who doesn't already have one to buy a blacklight. If they do, they might discover some hidden infestations they wish had remained hidden (or sex stuff, but in my experience I'm mostly just discovering hidden infestations, even in hotel rooms, which is the original reason to purchase a blacklight before Big Gummy got in on the game). 

These are supposed to be strawberry & watermelon, but I think (??) they're all the same color & flavor, so I guess it's a mix in a single Kid? The predominant flavor I get is watermelon, which is a fine flavor, although not as delicious as those seasonal black raspberry ones. Easy to binge, alas. But good for nausea! Even if not good for other organs and systems....

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 7/10
Stupid Novelty: 6/10 (if you don't have a blacklight these are literally just regular candy)

Frosted Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts

OK, I think we might need to call it on the pop tarts after this. Not that these are particularly awful -- it's just, you know, pop tarts. For flavor authenticity, these aren't bad -- I definitely get the cinnamon roll vibe, since they taste like bread, thin frosting, and warm cinnamony goop. Unfortunately, there's a touch of that horrible apple jack poptart potpourri flavor in the cinnamon goop which is really unpleasant. It's nowhere near as bad as it was in the apple jack poptarts, and if I never had had those I might not even notice or hate it, but alas. I did and I do. So.

Overall
Cost: 6/10
Taste: 6/10

McCormick Sea Salt Grinder

Although people say a lot of weird stuff to me, I also say a lot of weird stuff to people. My hope was that, by eating salt, I will be less woozy and less likely to say weird stuff. I ate this whole salt and it did not have the desired effect. Even so, this was a nice shaker with an appropriate number of holes. It makes food taste much better, too. I am pretty sure salt is either something I need way more of or way less of, but since I have no idea which one it is, I will probably buy another one of these bad boys. Thanks, salt!

Overall
Cost: 5/10
Taste: 6/10